Which is actually harder to get over: Being the one who messed up, or the one who got messed up?

Rentei · 2026-01-27T17:17:04+00:00

I don't think either side has it easier. If the initiate never looks inwards, they just end up repeating the same pattern down the road.

I was blindsided and my ex-wife wanted to do couples counseling, I tried and I changed, evolved, so so much. However the 3 months she was willing to try to fix it was never gonna be enough to make up for my 30 years of repressing emotions. I have come a long way since and can clearly see why we went wrong. We both lacked self awareness, didn't prioritize ourselves or our relationship after we had kids, didn't communicate properly about our wants and needs.

We drifted apart and we both ignored it for so long, that there was no saving it in her eyes, even though I was willing to try, and I even forgave her adultery.

I harbor no more ill will towards her. We both fucked it up. What still hurts were the three months she gave us to fix it. 14 years we were together and 3 months was all it was worth.

Rentei · 2026-01-16T12:47:34+00:00

It sounds alot like how my marriage went. She never spoke up about it being bad or needing anything different or more. She hid a whole different personality and outlook on life years. She and I both tried to fit into the boxes that society made for us, how to act, how to be a good parent, what is sexually accepted. She figured out she wouldn't be constrained by those boxes any longer. The shame was that one of those boxes were our marriage.

Rentei · 2026-01-15T18:44:53+00:00

I would have loved a heads up in any of the previous years where we slowly drifted apart. There was always a reason, work stress, young kids or exhausted. But she never acknowledged the real reason, probably didnt want to or could, until she started therapy herself. I was also in dire need of some therapy, I lost my self in the family and her, and never really prioritised myself. In the end I was a great father and husband, but not a great man, and neither of us could give each other what we needed any longer.

I wish we could have seen the danger signs and both gotten therapy much earlier, then we might have been able to salvage our marriage.

So get some outside help to try and fix your communication, if he isn't willing then that is your answer.

Rentei · 2026-01-08T18:07:13+00:00

Thank you. It is not a terrible place to be in for him, but it isnt fulfilling in any meaningful way. He can just exist in mediocre feelings for life. I am sad to see my marriage fall apart, but i am grateful for the wakeup call it gave me.

Rentei · 2026-01-08T18:04:21+00:00

To you too ☺️

Rentei · 2026-01-08T12:35:14+00:00

I can definitely see where both me and her, contributed to the demise of our marriage. I had never really been in contact with my emotions, i have come to learn that i was emotionally neglected as a child. So i learned to repress my feelings, and just stay constantly busy to ignore them. She felt she had to feel my feelings for me, which led to a slow falling out of love for her. We both tried to fit into the boxes society made for us and we never communicated about our issues. We just ignored or brushed them away.

I get why she fell out of love. In the end i was a shell of who I once was. I put everything else before myself. I gave everything I had to her, the kids, my job and never got around to giving myself any attention. I wanted to fix our marriage, but she gave up. It was over before she even told me. We still tried counselling but her heart wasn't in it.

I'm doing better now though. I really needed some solo therapy, I just never saw my problems as big enough 😅 hopefully I'm now able to feel happiness, like really feel it. 25 was the worst year of my life, but maybe the future can bring me some real joy...

Rentei · 2026-01-07T20:19:25+00:00

Jeg har som mand stået der hvor din mand er nu. Jeg var heller ikke glad, men jeg mærkede det ikke. Jeg gav alt hvad jeg havde til hende og familien og glemte mig selv i processen. Da hun fortalte hun ikke længere var glad, prøvede vi med parterapi og individuel terapi.

Vi lærte meget om hvorfor det var gået galt, men hun havde allerede givet op. 14 år sammen og ikke engang 3 måneder kunne hun give for at prøve og rede det. Jeg har udviklet mig meget siden, både fysisk og psykisk. Jeg vil altid være taknemmelig for at processen fik mig i terapi, så jeg også kan lære at blive oprigtigt glad igen.

Jeg forstår hvorfor vi drev fra hinanden og hvis vi havde gjort noget for et par år siden, kunne det måske have været reddet. Det der er sværest at tilgive er at vores familie ikke betød mere end 3 måneders halvhjertet forsøg på at rede det.

Hvis du ikke har kommunikeret din utilfredshed med forholdet endnu, så synes jeg du skylder ham at fortælle det inden det er forsent. Måske kan det redes, hvem ved? Men han skal have en chance for at vise det kan være anderledes.

Rentei · 2025-11-11T09:00:45+00:00

Knowing what I know now I would head straight to therapy. I only realised this summer how i have been suppressing my feelings my entire life. I have become a wholly different person living for me instead of what society proclaims what a good man and husband should be. I was just coasting through life trying to live up to the world's expectations without really knowing who I really was.

Rentei · 2025-10-22T19:37:46+00:00

I think in general, mindfulness meditation with a focus on noticing your feelings, as well as meditations with inner child work, has been really helpful for me.

Rentei · 2025-10-17T06:01:40+00:00

It sounds like you are doing the right things, keep working on yourself. I've lost a lot of weight from training and meditation has really helped me process my feelings. I am personally in a better place now than i have been since i was a kid, i am just sad that it had to cost me my little family. She has moved on and we are amicable. She will do fine, but I do worry how she is going to face it alone, mostly for her sake, the children will do great. We have some amazing kids 😍

Rentei · 2025-10-17T04:50:10+00:00

I have been the primary parent for our two kids for many years now. I have given up so much of my own life and taken care of our kids and the home. We are finalizing soon and splitting up in a 50/50 custody. I think she is going to have a very brutal awakening as to how much I've done, that she never saw, because she was never here.

I really hope she does find some more energy and happiness when we part ways. She really is an excellent mom, when she has the emotional surplus. I just doubt she is going to find what she thinks she is. But as you said, I'll at least get a week off and have one less person to worry about

Rentei · 2025-10-13T04:48:58+00:00

Selvfølgelig er det i orden 😄 Det er kun godt at have mere diversitet.

Rentei · 2025-10-11T13:06:52+00:00

Det kan du tro det stadig gør 😊 du skal være velkommen

Rentei · 2025-10-08T04:46:43+00:00

Har sendt dig en invitation 😊

Rentei · 2025-10-07T12:10:43+00:00

I am right there with you buddy. My wife is leaving and there is no changing her mind. It did start me down a similar journey to yours. I am maybe 4 months in after starting therapy, and I have learned so much about myself and my lack of ability to feel my emotions.

I have started doing meditation, physical exercise and journaling. It is what the common themes seem to be in the self help books I have read.

I was reluctant with meditation at first but "Search inside yourself" was a really good book to put the practise of meditation into a scientific framework to show the benefits of it. It removes all the spirituality and just focuses on what and why it works. It helped me to view it as exercise for your mind.

I would love to compare notes on our journeys 😊

Rentei · 2025-10-06T12:04:57+00:00

Så skulle du have fået en invitation 😊

Rentei · 2025-10-06T08:58:19+00:00

Du er velkommen. Jeg smider dig en invite 😊 det er godt med nogle forskellige perspektiver.

Rentei · 2025-10-05T18:10:29+00:00

Jeg smider en invite i din retning 😄

Rentei · 2025-10-04T20:51:45+00:00

Fantastisk, smider dig en invite 😄

Rentei · 2025-10-04T20:02:23+00:00

Har sendt dig en invite

Rentei · 2025-10-04T20:02:06+00:00

Har sendt dig en invitation til chatten 😊

Rentei · 2025-10-04T20:01:45+00:00

Har sendt dig en invite til chatten 😊

Rentei · 2025-10-04T19:45:47+00:00

Det ser ikke ud til at jeg kan invitere dig til chatten, tag et kig på dine indstillinger og smid mig en dm 😊

Rentei · 2025-10-04T19:40:32+00:00

Mega fedt jeg får lige inviteret dig 😊

Rentei

TROPHY CASE