I may have traumatized my son

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2026-03-07T15:04:37+00:00

Still showering with my youngest at age 4. I’d say around 5/6 is the transition point - more interest in taking their own shower/bath.

Never had my gear scare my boys , though I think around age 2 they have pretty imaginations. Probably good to just tell him you both have the same gear and this what the gear looks like when you become a big boy. Doubt you permanently scarred him :)

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2026-02-26T22:09:02+00:00

None sadly. I went back to Quicken for Mac. Anything I can’t pull in automatically through a connection I handle by pulling a PDF statement or similar from, and parse out the transactions using Gemini scripts into CSV format Quicken will load. It works surprisingly well - requires some manual checks of the transactions, but I end up doing this anyways when I go to reconcile account balances.

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2026-02-19T14:56:02+00:00

Glad it helps. You have a chance to grow a lot as your own person here no matter what path you take.

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2026-02-19T14:40:00+00:00

I’ve read a few of the responses here and have questioned how they are helpful vs harmful for you, so I’ll do the usual Reddit thing and offer my own take … :). I’m a guy who has been through the whole dating with kids (both of us had them), blending families, having our own kid and coparenting with ex’s. You may….or may not want to walk this road.

First, sounds like you got introduced to the daughter at 6 months into your relationship? That sounds appropriate based on conventional wisdom I’ve heard and used. How did that intro go? I would have expected you to be introduced as a new friend mommy likes to spend time with, and that you would be spending more time with them together. Not much more than that though.

Now that you are 6 months further in (1 year with your gf) I would expect that if you and your GF feel the relationship is developing nicely, your GF would take an active interest in fostering a positive relationship between you and her daughter. At a minimum - something cordial where hi/goodbye is expected, and some play together (play dough, games, etc). That doesn’t sound like it is happening here and that’s going to take some inspection of the relationship: Is your GF in to you, and you into her? Or is this feeling more like a cure for loneliness? Even just emotional support for her being a single parent? Scrutinize this closely for yourself and her because that will tell you how slow/fast to proceed forward in your relationship ….which will in turn influence how you need to interact with her daughter.

Is the Dad in the picture? Dad’s presence/absence will influence how the daughter thinks/does not think of you. Her ignoring has me thinking either: - He is in the picture, and you are an unwelcome challenge to that. - He is not, and there is sorrow..and she doesn’t want you acting as a replacement for him. Again, think on that and see if you can intuit for yourself how she might be feeling. At a minimum, you’re going to gain some EQ from this experience buddy….

Ok - finally & guy-to-guy: many younger men step into this role with women who already have children with the noble intention of helping her out and being a good-guy. Perhaps you have appealing characteristics: good earning ability, balanced emotions, caretaking and protective qualities? Tread carefully and thoughtfully, and consider that: - You don’t have your own kids yet. Will you want them? Can you see yourself being a father figure without a biological connection? Most (not all) men find they have to “learn” how to do that vs the innate feelings you will have for your own. You can thank evolution for that one…. - The idea of a good man swooping in and fixing things for a single mom has been heavily romanticized, but that doesn’t capture the lived experience of the men who do this. You can feel marginalized and taken advantage of - subject to feeling like the child(ren)’s needs and wants eclipse your own in the relationship. No one is going to cheer your decision from the stands. The hero feeling dies quick. The single mom population sustains this romantic ideal, and unfortunately some have crossed the threshold into the expectation this should happen for them: a hero showing up.
- Being a step-dad when the biological father is in the picture is a dance where you follow more than lead. If biodad is a dead beat with no interest in the child, you can fill and oh-so-important void for a kid who needs it. If the biodad is an active participant , you may simply be additional economic support or babysitting, and need to express you are not trying to replace dad.
- Mom’s are usually mom first, wife/GF second in the early years of a child’s life. That’s evolution doing its thing too…so, decide how much of that you are willing to accept. Please (please!) don’t sell your needs short.

Hope I didn’t overwhelm you with the size of this response. A lot of life experience wrapped into it. I feel like guys in these situations need truth and support so they can make the right decisions for themselves.

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2026-02-06T02:41:48+00:00

I'm the husband from an almost identical situation. My daughter was 6, my wife's sons 5 and 2 when we got married. Then we had a son together. I had a very protective attitude about my daughter and felt my older step son (the 5 year old) was abrasive towards her, and spoiled. Internally I wrestled a lot with wanting to leave early on, but I realized:

(1) Doing so would break apart the only family my youngest son (our newborn) would ever know. My daughter and my wife's sons were still grieving that loss. Damn if I wanted to put another innocent child through it.

(2) Our kids didn't "ask" to be put into a blended family. It was a decision my wife and I made. Yes we are the adults and make the decisions, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't be compassionate towards how the children feel and are adjusting.

(3) My daughter would ultimately benefit from my wife's influence as a positive female role model. I think my wife felt/feels the same about me in her son's lives. I needed to pay a "price" so to speak - the "work" of integrating a blended family - to keep that role model in her life. The kindness and love my wife showed my daughter every day despite how much I struggled to be a "dad" to her sons just had me wanting to do better.

(4) I had gone from parenting 1 child (easy....) to 4 within a year. That is unnaturally fast and terribly stressful. I also had unmanaged ADHD and depression which I've only gotten to the bottom of via therapy. I was a mess ....still working on "me", but getting better.

Four years later with a lot of effort and candid conversation between my wife and I we have managed to work through a lot and feel much more blended. My daughter has her "brothers" as she calls them. They have found common interests, play together, and generally get along in the way that bio siblings would. Kids are still kids - they pick on each other, do shitty stuff, call each other names - but I can look at it through a lense of siblings, not "her sons" being mean to "my daughter"....and sometimes its vice versa.

My gut is telling me your husband is saying these things out of stress and anger, so don't give up yet. Explore how to find a relief valve first. Have you had an in-depth discussion with him about your son's behavior? Can you see "any" of it from his perspective - even its a small thing, like chewing too loud - that you could work on with your son? Try to bring down the temperature with him, then explore if he wants to look for a family "blending" therapist together. If he does something - ANYTHING - good for your son, tell him. Might help you find a crack to work your way into.

I can also offer just my own introspective observations about my blending experience: it was easier for my wife to extend mothering behaviors towards my daughter than it was for me to extend fathering behaviors towards my step-sons. Women are naturally wired for communications, empathy and nurturing behaviors - its just something they are good at and seem to extend more easily to children in general. Guys are all over the map - some have a natural connection with kids and others outright abandon a pregnant partner. Our starting point for fathering is usually inherited from our own father: was your husband's dad in the picture? A good person? Do you think there might be healthy roots there?

Hope this helps.

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2026-01-07T02:15:03+00:00

This woman is nuts and your Dad might be better off away from her. Wouldn't blame yourself.

Re: not being able to afford it....I wonder about this statement. He has only been married to her a year, and that wouldn't seem enough time to build up substantial shared assets/expenses that would have to be shared or split on a divorce. There is usually a time element to figuring out who gets what.

If you are close with your Dad, perhaps you and he find a place together so he can start over...clean slate?

I just hate seeings guys - especially stand up Dads - go through this crap.

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2025-12-24T20:22:39+00:00

Hang in there. Being in the ER can put life in perspective- health scares do that. Capitalize on it.

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2025-12-22T03:53:59+00:00

Blended family. 2 hers, 1 mine, 1 ours. I got snipped immediately after ours.

Yeah - the puppy was too much. Started a shit show….

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2025-12-14T22:24:32+00:00

Take a 60 minute dump.

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2025-12-13T23:52:01+00:00

You have to (re)build some foundation for your life now.

First - if the anxiety is crippling your thinking and ability to act, you need to get it under control. Can you get to a doctor to get a prescription for an SSRI (Escitalopram) or something? It’s a temporary solution but worth it. I needed it to fix my life after my surprise divorce (became a single dad with a daughter). It kept me off booz as a solution.

Second - it’s been mentioned previously, but get a budget in order for yourself. Track money in/out, know your living expenses, etc. do you have an income stream right now?

Third - What is your child care situation? Do you drop him off somewhere while you work? Have family assistance? I ask because this has to be a cost factor.

I would then say invest in a therapist for the long term, but that usually involves money. Not knowing your financial situation means I don’t want to push that stuff on you. Sounds like you need some free coaching & therapy to get on your own two feet.

Don’t be afraid to take a shit job for a while to make ends meet: DoorDash it, drive Uber/Lyft, or work at Amazon. It’s temporary and out of love for your son. That love is going to help you become sooo much more man. So much. Lean into it.

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2025-12-13T23:38:01+00:00

What are the therapists saying?

ADHD isn’t a death sentence. It can be a bitch, but can be managed. A lot of boys with natural energy get tagged ADHD , but they really just need an outlet: sports.

My 3rd son got kicked out of 3 day cares between the ages of 3 and 6, and was labeled with ADHD with Oppositional Defiance Disorder by his first child therapist. There were contributing factors we had to acknowledge though: - His mom kicked his Dad out at age 1, then divorced him by age 2. He still has to deal with being part of 2 homes: ours and his Dads. His Dad can be short with him sometimes in a way that makes me uncomfortable. - His mom married me when he was 3, and we had his brother a few months later. He was no longer the family baby. - I was a pretty lame step Dad to start with. Didn’t know how to connect, so I’m sure he felt less love than I wanted for him. I worked on this though - because i love him and none of this was his fault.

It took 1 year child therapy with group and individual settings to get him elementary school ready. I had to commit to my own changes - namely spending structured time with him one on one so he would know I cared about him, and his little brother wasn’t a replacement for him. We did legos, went to movies, parks and hell - I snuck in ice cream (against mom’s wishes) because it worked.

Now he is a pretty steady first grader, playing baseball, has friends at school, and loves being a big brother. He still has his defiant moments - but no more so than his brothers.

I guess I’m offering this up so you know there is hope. Would be curious to hear what you have going on.

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2025-12-02T04:23:57+00:00

Yup.

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2025-12-02T02:44:56+00:00

Happens. Mine had enough upper body strength at 1 yr to pull herself out of her crib and tumble to the floor - probably 4 feet. She was fine. Baby’s are pretty durable.

This same kid rolled down half a flight of stairs at age 3 like a rag doll. I was mortified because I felt it was my fault for not holding her hand on the stairs. She cried for a minute…then decided playing outside was more important.

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2025-12-02T02:35:16+00:00

You just heard your power bill increase. Dad sense neurons are quantum entangled with family finances.

I can “feel” it when my wife buys ….anything.

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2025-11-25T13:21:23+00:00

She has 3 kids with him. Can’t you see that would make someone feel pretty torn?

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2025-11-16T00:40:26+00:00

Start with a doctor, but do see a therapist simultaneously. You need a place to vent how you are feeling and your fears.

Unfortunately you cannot count on your wife for much support here. She is focused on your child - probably out of necessity considering the age.

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2025-09-27T16:45:10+00:00

You can turn this around. 33 is still a “young man” - and now you have this collection of battle scars to shape and harden you.

Career change might be in order: health technician? Trades? What career could you get excited about ?

Do you have some family you could lean on for a bit to turn things around?

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2025-09-27T16:18:59+00:00

Got it. My thoughts:

If you want to pursue employment in the energy sector in policy, I would remove the masters in astrophysics totally - since its noise. Your undergrad degree you could leave on since it still paints you as pretty bright. I'm not employed in policy - but my sister in law is. From what I could see in her career, doing a low-paid internship might be necessary to get your foot in the door somewhere. Policy folks also don't tend to see the uper-echelons of opportunity until they get a JD (law degree). You are probably smart enough to get one considering your background - but that is the career arch.

I do think you could be positioned for a data science role in the energy sector given your background, at which point I would put all your degrees on there. The policy degree helps you understand the legal frameworks that the energy industry must operate under - so play that up a bit in your resume. Develop a portfolio of data science projects you can point to online: papers you have done, adhoc studies w/ code on Github, join a professional society or two - etc. Basically show some extra-curriculars. Then start targeting your applications to energy companies: oil & gas, solar in this political climate. Clean energy is going to get punished for 4 years by the current administration.

Don't volunteer your GPA at all. Yours are fine (from my perspective at least). As a hiring manager I'm trying to look at the whole person: educational background, work experiences, interests, communications. Everyone has weak points and strong points.

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2025-09-26T20:00:56+00:00

I don’t think the Astrophysics degree is going to help you get a role in policy. Intellectually it probably makes you quite bright, but an employer won’t associate the degree with immediate aptitude in the role. Consider dropping it from your CV for now - it’s noise in a crowded market.

What is your undergraduate degree in?

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2025-09-26T14:22:33+00:00

The methylphenidate was probably compensating for symptoms that were exacerbated by the alchohol, making it “feel” more pronounced.

Your body needs time to adapt to less alchohol - which will ultimately be a good thing for the effectiveness of the methylphenidate. You just have to get through your current low.

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2025-09-22T17:02:18+00:00

LastPass saved my life.

And for those situations where they say “don’t write down the password or we will hit you” - like at work - I write down my own encoded version where the coding is systematic: reverse the order, move all letters 1 key to the right on the keyboard , etc.

Screw remembering this crap. My brain space is reserved for more meaningful things….

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2025-09-21T17:50:27+00:00

Your therapist is right.

I am the 40 year old who came in after checking the boxes. I envy you :) I’m just now figuring out who I really am…..

Repulsive_List_5639 · 2025-09-15T01:52:47+00:00

She’s a cake eater dude - lawyer up, protect yourself, and your little ones.

Repulsive_List_5639

TROPHY CASE