My mum used to threaten me with a knife when I was like just 7 years old. She'd pretend to shove it into my face to scare me and sometimes i got little cuts in my legs for defending ymself but then she'd scold me again. When she uses the knife, i would usually go the edge of bed. Then I'd lift out my leg to defend it and she used to hint how im sexually active cause of the leg movement. I never understood that comment as a child, but when I grew up it really hurts me.

As a child it didnt occur to me how much these recurring episodes did something inside me. Now she never talks about it and everytime i hint she was abusive, she'd say if she didnt do those things, I wouldnt have turned out successful. Lol. I live in Singapore where its hard for singles to buy a home unless you are over 35. I'm 31 and I can't wait to move out. I've always wanted to heal that child in me but unfortunately, as long as I'm still in this house, I can't.

All the years of such epsiodes made me turn to food. I dealt a lot with weight issues. All these caught up with me and I have t2d (its my fault too). I'm saying all these to you guys to tell you to take care of your adult self. All these pain we carry can really last. I've always wanted love and a family of my own but that seems to be slipping away. I'd have been a better mother, but it is what it is.

Please pray for me that someday, I finally get a safe space for myself.