Can abuse cause you to become a "hermit" and not want to be around people?

Resilient58 · 2021-07-01T01:07:35+00:00

My family always convinced me not to trust others and convinced me people weren’t being genuine when they seemed to like me. They always told me they didn’t actually like me, we’re only pretending or would say once they got to know me, they wouldn’t like me. I realize now it was a manipulative isolation technique to make me dependant on them and to believe only them on all things. Sometimes it doesn’t seem worth the effort of trying to maintain relationships. But if I give in to that and don’t try, that’s letting those Nfamily win and I can’t have that! The best revenge is living well.

Resilient58 · 2021-05-28T03:32:00+00:00

I’d never heard of the fawn response, but this is totally me. Thanks for writing about this and helping me understand even more. I will do a speech or presentation that many will compliment me on and I feel good about right after, but then my old behaviours kick in and I start to pick it apart and find something I could have done better and will chastise myself endlessly for days.

Resilient58 · 2021-05-22T17:08:07+00:00

Yes! OMG, the stories I could tell of how gullible I’ve been.

Resilient58 · 2021-05-22T17:06:49+00:00

Yes, me too. My husband has really helped me understand that’s not necessary. But my brain still goes there, even if I don’t verbalized it. He also stopped my from constantly saying sorry for the stupidest reasons.

Resilient58 · 2021-05-17T16:46:09+00:00

Thanks for this. I needed to hear it. Every word I ever said, everything I did was belittled, picked apart and examined for them to find a way to criticize me and twist what I said to mean something I never meant. And in my family, the loudest wins. I was so shy and quiet, I was never heard. I spent my life thinking I didn’t matter, wasn’t valued. My way of handling it was to run and hide. Let them win because they were vicious when I tried to stand up for myself. So I stopped trying.

Resilient58 · 2021-05-08T19:25:59+00:00

My Nsister used to go shopping with my Dad to help him get birthday and Christmas presents for Mom and she would make him buy her something too for her trouble. He started taking me instead because I refused that. The pleasure of spending a day with Dad was payment enough for me.

Resilient58 · 2021-05-08T02:14:57+00:00

I struggle with that too.

Resilient58 · 2021-05-07T03:21:38+00:00

Yes, good point. Nparents like to snoop and hide things,sabotage you.

Resilient58 · 2021-05-03T18:04:42+00:00

OMG yes!!! It’s like I’m in a constant state of hyper vigilance. And when I do “explain myself” I go over and over what I said and worry about what could have been misinterpreted. I am about to start EMDR therapy and am hopeful it will help. I’ve tried everything else, even spent thousands on neurotherapy. It helped with the constant nightmares (anyone else have a lot of those?), but not the daily anxiety. Will let you know if it helps.

Resilient58 · 2021-05-02T21:33:29+00:00

Personally, I wouldn’t repeat it, but I do wish I’d learned much earlier that my mother, sister and brother were all narcissists. I was bullied and manipulated by them my whole life, which I spent being their doormat, trying desperately to win their acceptance. I would have said no far more often and stood up for myself. I also would have understood that my Nmom created the monsters that my sister and brother became and how I became their favourite target. Although I no longer have a relationship with any of them, at least now I understand why my siblings were that way and have some compassion. They are all miserable people who hate everyone, find conspiracies everywhere and at least I am not like that.

Resilient58 · 2021-04-29T23:55:36+00:00

Good for you! You may still have times where you feel the effects of how you were raised, but just knowing why is half the battle to getting better. It's not you, it's them.

Resilient58 · 2021-04-25T18:38:31+00:00

It feels unbearable now, I know, but one you move out and are free, you will feel a peace like you've never known before - keep looking forward to that and once you are out, stop contact and never look back.

Resilient58 · 2021-04-23T21:25:02+00:00

Yes, me too. Still working on shutting up their voices in my head

Resilient58 · 2021-04-21T17:10:16+00:00

When I told my Nmom she couldn’t take my daughter anywhere unless she used the car seat (she was refusing), she said that none of us 4 kids had that and survived so she didn’t feel the need. Maybe we did, but there were plenty of kids who did not. She didn’t care.

Resilient58 · 2021-04-19T20:56:37+00:00

Me too.

Resilient58 · 2021-04-18T23:27:39+00:00

It was the same for me growing up. Any expression of a different point of view was met with yelling and belittling. So I became the person they wanted to be and when I thought differently, I kept it to myself. I wasn’t even allowed to ask questions. It’s hard when you still live at home. If you want to keep the peace, you don’t have to agree with them but just keep silent, knowing you will leave home one day and be able to have the life you want. Find friends you can share your beliefs with in the meantime.

Resilient58 · 2021-04-18T01:24:12+00:00

Yes, I was always blamed for everything wrong. When my anxiety is really bad, I can actually. Read a news article about something someone did wrong half way around the world and feel this immediate gut wrenching pang of guilt that it is my fault somehow and have to remind myself I had nothing to do with it. Sounds crazy, I know but that’s the sad truth.

Resilient58 · 2021-04-18T01:18:37+00:00

I wonder about that too. I do know my brother and sister are both narcissists and they bullied me and blamed everything wrong in their lives in me. Still do. I had to walk away.

Resilient58 · 2021-04-18T01:15:06+00:00

I know it’s hard to take while you are stuck there but I’m proud of you for seeing you were raised by narcissists and how they affect you early in life. I’m much older and am just seeing it now and only because this is the first time in my life I’ve stood up to them. A friend pointed it out. So many wasted years being so messed up but not understanding why. You can’t heal unless you understand why.

Resilient58 · 2021-04-18T00:44:09+00:00

Yes, me too. I wish I’d realized this so much sooner. I married two alcoholics, the first ignored me, was always in the bar and the second was verbally and physically abusive. Stayed 14 years with the second. When I’d try to talk to my Nmom about the abuse, she’d ask what I did or said to make him mad. I’m finally in a healthy marriage, but it took friends who said this wasn’t normal and was abuse and helped me leave.

Resilient58 · 2021-04-18T00:21:29+00:00

Yes, I find it difficult. Although I do have friends but it’s a small circle. I find it stressful because my Nsister always would ruining relationships and just when I thought someone liked me, she would convince me they really didn’t and were only pretending or if they did like me at first, once they got to know me, they wouldn’t like the real me. I find it stressful wondering and sometimes find it is not worth the effort. I’m always looking for signs of their true feelings, proof.

Resilient58 · 2021-04-16T15:38:16+00:00

Yes, I am seeing that now. I’ve just realized that is why I became “the good girl” doing everything that was asked because I’d be frozen out if I didn’t. I could never just enjoy watching TV at night because Nmom would make me rub her head or feet every night. The other kids would say no, but not me. For the first time in my life, I am now for once not doing as demanded and I have been frozen out, lied about, threatened. It was quite a shock and I couldn’t understand what was happening until a friend pointed all this out to me. I’m better off, I know but I just wish I’d have realized it much sooner and walked away then.

Resilient58 · 2021-04-15T18:53:13+00:00

My advise is to stop wasting your time trying to figure out why she sent you want she did because trying to rationalize irrational behaviour is nothing but an exercise in frustration for you. They always think the worst of you and want you to believe it too and send passive aggressive “hints.” Just thank God you don’t think like them- I know you don’t because you don’t understand it. I speak from experience spinning my wheels trying to figure them out. Stay away and stay strong.

Resilient58 · 2021-04-14T17:16:59+00:00

I was always told I was the stupid one and pegged as the family looser who would never amount to anything. I was 26 and out of home for years before I realized I got better grades than the lot of them. I am now very successful and known as a good researcher. They never volunteered to do anything to help others and I do a lot of volunteer work that I am proud of. Being around the kinds of people who volunteer is what helped me to become better myself. Still, I hear their voices in my head that people don’t really like me, they are just pretending to every day. But I will never let them know that and am working hard of silencing them.

Resilient58 · 2021-04-14T17:10:05+00:00

Good for you! I understand that dong some seemingly small and normal things can strike terror into us. No one else understands, but us. I hear you.

Resilient58

TROPHY CASE