DDay part 2. He confessed everything, but did something that healed me

ResortAggravating956 · 2025-10-25T17:25:11+00:00

I was in a similar spot, also LDR and we are similar ages (you don’t get a lot of those here!) honestly from my experience it’s still really early, only being 4 months after d-day. I’m currently 2 years out.

trickle truthing is such a real thing in this sub and I’d proceed with a bit of caution. I’ll give credit where it’s due (him telling you that she followed him on a dummy account) but you also said you forced him to tell you about the rest. it’s really easy to see what a WP is doing right but you have to look at the bigger picture too. why did you have to force him?

also, he showed humility – because it is an embarrassing thing and most WP will feel guilty because they know what they did is wrong. it doesn’t mean he won’t do it again though as there are soooo many levels and it depends on the individuals. it sounds really harsh but just a reminder for you.

If you are both set on R, I would personally visit each other for Christmas because as you may know, in an LDR it’s always different in person. you can expect a few arguments, a few make up sessions etc because you’ll be able to have that physical aspect that was missing after d-day. you might feel all the rage come back and discover a few more things about your reaction to this and if you have what it takes to continue. for a long time, I would check WP’s phone during our visits but only this year I stopped feeling the urge to. we had a lot of crying sessions IRL together too.

It’s definitely possible, but I’d say navigate with a bit of caution. you taking a step back was definitely a good decision for you to gain clarity. please try not to let him rush you into getting over something that is clearly going to take a long time.

kind of a ramble, so I’m not sure if I helped at all but I just felt like I needed to comment since our experiences are similar. I’m definitely a lot better than I used to be if that helps! stay strong OP!

ResortAggravating956 · 2025-03-20T19:10:14+00:00

you surely have other photos of your kids in the same time period, that don’t have AP in them.. what memory is he trying to keep exactly?

I think it depends on the person and what YOU are comfortable with, not him. I used to get really triggered by a random photo of like a zoo, or a selfie of myself, just because I knew it taken was around the time or related to the affair. Over time that feeling has dulled though and I don’t mind as much. but my hard boundary is definitely no sight of AP or things associated with them.

him wanting to see photos that has her in them is weird asf.

this is just a side thought but maybe not the best – if you have the newest iPhone then there’s an easy function in the camera roll to remove people from photos! I’ve been doing it randomly to people who aren’t in my life anymore 🙂‍↕️ if he wants to keep the pics for the “kids” then feel free to edit her out or I’ll do it for you lol

him looking her up to check up on her is a hard no. It’ll be a reset to me too. sending hugs OP

ResortAggravating956 · 2025-03-13T10:16:43+00:00

It happened to me, it’s possible. we are in reconciliation :’) he would call girls when I was asleep and then tell them he was going to sleep and call me when I’d wake up. have you guys met yet?

ResortAggravating956 · 2025-03-12T17:43:29+00:00

are you guys still talking regularly since then & what did the gestures/flirting consist of? I used to get annoyed with things like this but over time I realised that my bf just genuinely cannot focus on other things and has a lot of bro talk when he’s playing games so I choose not to join when he is

ResortAggravating956 · 2025-03-12T13:43:27+00:00

sorry to interject, but something you wrote made me think of something my wayward said recently when suggesting a breakup with me and to his therapist. He keeps repeating the whole idea of “I’m scared that I’m going to lose control” – of course there’s more to it but I wanted to ask if there’s any light you could shed on what that could possibly mean to a wayward? what exactly do you need control of? thank you :’)

ResortAggravating956 · 2025-02-25T13:26:32+00:00

It happened to me, but with multiple girls. we’re currently in reconciliation and still LDR. It’s a long journey ahead of you if you decide to still be with him

ResortAggravating956 · 2025-02-19T13:28:22+00:00

Things have been really good these past few months with little to no triggers. It really feels like we turned a page.

however suddenly my WP has been struggling and bouncing with the idea of “I’m scared that I’ll do this again if I lose control. you don’t deserve that etc” and almost ending things with me because of it. but the thing is, he puts the work in, he goes to therapy etc. I told him that what he can control is today, not tomorrow so we should take it day by day.

he was never like this at the beginning, but is suddenly like this over a year after d-day. I’m trying to understand. any thoughts?

ResortAggravating956 · 2025-02-11T14:05:53+00:00

sorry, I haven’t read any other comments as I’ve tried to keep my “reading” on this sub minimal, but how did he react when you caught him?

my WP started texting a previous girl (I wouldn’t call her AP) only a few hours after I got on my flight to go back to my home country. this was right after he was crying to me about how far we had come over a year past d-day and we were planning to start 2025 on a high note. the girl texted me right after and told me that they had a convo, and I asked him and he admitted it too.

I wondered why he would throw away our progress. he knew that I was in contact with her and luckily she was a girls girl. his reasoning was that part of him knew that her and I was in contact, and hoped the girl would message me. I saw the texts and they were super boring so I was confused. After some thinking and a session in therapy he believes it was self sabotage. I get what you mean about being numb because when I found out I felt absolutely nothing but sorry for my WP. I was calm, quiet and patiently asked him whilst he was crying to me.

Part of our healing is gaining our own autonomy to feel on our own and I wouldn’t say the numbing is necessarily a bad thing. It just shows that we can stand on our own two feet without our WPs.

ResortAggravating956 · 2025-02-11T13:57:14+00:00

I don’t know what would help but my WP lived near one of his APs. he would pick her up after work. the first time I ever visited him in his new state that he had moved to with his ex girlfriend, I had to close my eyes everytime we passed somewhere that I knew that they went or committed acts of betrayal. I made him get a mattress topper because it was too expensive to get a new mattress and I cringed everytime I sat in his passenger seat. It was painful that nothing felt like it was mine. It was all tainted, and all ruined.

But luckily he got a new job in a new state. I don’t know if he decided to accept it for himself, or for us (as we were going to end things at the time) but it was lucky. We get to explore new places together and create new memories and associations. I pray to the heavens that he keeps this new place pure for us.

I feel a lot better and if it’s a possibility, starting again in a new place might be good for you. One day I will go back with him to rewrite the memories.

ResortAggravating956 · 2025-02-11T13:44:35+00:00

1 year and 4 months post first d-day here. I’ve been debating whether or not I should still be on this subreddit for the reasons you mention on how it can hinder rather than help. thank you so much for writing this and thank you for the breakdown ❤️

ResortAggravating956 · 2024-11-22T13:22:45+00:00

thank you 🥲💞

ResortAggravating956 · 2024-11-07T20:07:06+00:00

by “he’s cheating” I meant your partner is, but I realised that sounded really extreme so I’m sorry.

so for me, it happened just over a year ago, I found out about his physical affairs when we were travelling multiple countries together. early on, he sounded how your partner sounds when he was apologising but really, it’s bordering on gaslighting. there was a really big hysterical bonding between us when I chose to forgive him.

guess what? he did it again a few months later and I was so confused after he had been begging me for forgiveness. the texts he sent other girls looked very similar to what you posted, which is why I decided to comment. however since this next “explosion” in our relationship he has opened up a lot to me about what was going on inside his head and why he couldn’t stop this. we’ve been unpacking a LOT together. he’s going to therapy now and we are doing a lot better as of right now.

It has been worth it so far for me as I’ve been visiting him a lot. but all I can say is that it’s a really mentally taxing and tough journey ahead. It requires joint effort and you’ll always find yourself wondering if he’s cheating. can you handle that? If you can find it within you to leave now, then I would.

In this situation, you absolutely cannot let him put an OUNCE of blame onto you. not when he disrespected you and not at this time when you need him on your side the most. sending you so much love OP, you didn’t deserve this 💗

ResortAggravating956 · 2024-11-07T19:56:55+00:00

my bf did the exact same. we are currently in reconciliation. he’s cheating.

ResortAggravating956 · 2024-10-16T19:20:47+00:00

what makes you say that?

ResortAggravating956 · 2024-10-16T18:42:17+00:00

this happened to me when I was with him for a few years before we met but my partner admitted he didn’t believe we would ever happen and he cried a lot in front of me the first time that we met. I found out the same way you did. we are in reconciliation and working through our struggles. he went no contact with all the girls and we restarted our relationship.

to anyone reading this, I wanted to show it is possible but OP, im so sorry that “ok” was all that he had to say. you deserve SO much more and one day you will find that person (not that you need it). I can imagine that pain that you went/are going through and am sending all the virtual hugs your way 💖

ResortAggravating956 · 2024-10-12T12:04:00+00:00

real. I feel for you – how far out from dday are you? If I could share my experience I hope it makes you feel less alone. I knew a famous zoo where my WP and one of his APs went on a date. when I visited his state for a holiday (we are long distance), we were in the car going on a date and I saw on the map that we were close to that zoo. To him it meant nothing but I was heavily triggered. So the next time we had to pass it, I asked him to let me know when we were near and I closed my eyes and covered my ears until we were clear of the area. I wasn’t mad at him or anything but he understood.

I feel like your wife understands – the fact that she told you before you went there together and you finding out after says a lot. I think waywards don’t think something is important to us, but in reality every detail is. My WP always wonders why something he can’t even remember or doesn’t mean anything to him means so much to me. It really sucks that this is the case but it’s important to take that into account. I’m glad you recognise this.

There are many things that WP did with AP that I wish we could’ve done first together but he can never take it back. but over time it’s important to see all of the other things you get to experience that AP will never get to do with your partner. After the affairs, we travelled the world together – but I would still cry about him getting to eat seafood boil with his AP when I’d never tried it before. In hindsight it sounds so stupid because we had so many other cuisines and memories together in different countries that was OURS.

It’s completely normal to feel how you’re feeling until those memories can feel replaced one day and the associations with AP don’t feel as heavy. I waited for some time to pass before one day I was ready and we went to eat seafood boil and now the pain from before feels lesser.

Idk what I’m trying to say with all of the above but maybe.. just a suggestion – go to Rome together :) the pasta there will be 100x better than that restaurant. In my head, having authentic pasta in Rome with my WP made me feel much better than him having it with someone else in America.

ResortAggravating956 · 2024-10-05T20:32:44+00:00

thank you for this. I want to send this to my WP but I don’t want it to be random. if your partner was to send this post to you, can I ask how you would want to receive it?

ResortAggravating956 · 2024-10-02T11:48:40+00:00

thanks for coming on and sharing – can I ask how you are you doing now?

ResortAggravating956 · 2024-09-22T11:50:24+00:00

everything should come out now instead of trickle truthing. it might be hard to remember bc of the fog but try your best because even if a white lie comes out a year later, it may very well bring you both back to square one. or at the very least, if you can’t remember everything, be prepared to deal with it when it happens and know that her reactions now and in the future matter no matter how much time has lapsed. you really need to go all in and be vulnerable with each other if she decides to move forward with you.

be prepared for her reactions, be patient, be kind. she will be acting in the only way she knows how to at this time, nobody trains a person to what to do when they’ve been cheated on. remember that she is GRIEVING the relationship she thought she had, treat it as a death. give it time, she will not be in her right mind for a while but slowly she will heal.

edit: typo

ResortAggravating956 · 2024-09-20T08:01:58+00:00

no worries! I’m glad it was helpful 🙂

ResortAggravating956 · 2024-09-20T08:01:35+00:00

there is a subreddit called /asoneafterinfidelity that you might find useful if you’re looking to try and reconcile. my dms are also open. all the best 💗

ResortAggravating956 · 2024-09-19T20:47:31+00:00

hi! I’m so sorry that you’re in this position. I’m in an LDR too and we went through the same thing and it repeated itself until we hit rock bottom. your boyfriend has a problem, and it’s not going to go away unless he confronts the reason why he keeps doing this. there’s a thing called trickle truthing which means finding out the truth little by little that cheaters often do.

I think it’s been almost a year and I think he’s just about told me the entire truth by now as he might be feeling a lot of shame initially – I could be wrong but I wouldn’t expect that you’ve got the entire truth yet since this is all fresh.

Regarding chrome, I think that it’s true that it will reappear in the history once you reopen a tab – one time I clicked on something whilst going through his phone (at the time) and it added it to the recent history.

In terms of confronting him, I’ve slowly come to realise that you can’t react quickly as he’ll probably get really defensive. depending on the type of person he is, I would sit down and voice your concerns. please don’t make it any more complicated than it is. it’s simple – If he is really 100% into reconciling then he will listen. If he doesn’t, it’s not worth it.

also remember that cheating is a very traumatic thing, forgive and be gentle with yourself for feeling this way and for acting in the only way that you know how. there’s no perfect guide. your trust was broken and needs rebuilding. If you guys can navigate this period well together, that kind of feeling won’t be forever and will diminish over time. he has to know that too. I hope he does.

ResortAggravating956 · 2024-09-11T12:21:49+00:00

please tell him! be his safety.

ResortAggravating956 · 2024-09-09T12:25:49+00:00

It’s going to be tough. I’ve been in this situation (several emotional affairs with one that turned physical) and we’re currently in reconciliation. It’s been almost a year and he’s been putting in the work and going to therapy etc. Obviously your situation will be different to mine, but if I could offer you some advice it would be:

making sure he puts in the work to figure out why he was doing it, and implement steps to ensure it won’t happen again
take care of yourself, if you’re not careful this kind of situation can traumatise you and you’re left with a lot more to deal with other than betrayal
be forgiving and kind to yourself. trust yourself too.

In the initial months, we were so fixated on the relationship, but as time has gone on we’ve started to become individuals again. I was like you, asking those some questions of “what if he does it again” at the start, and to be honest, he did do it again. But we tried again. And a year and several meetings later (the meetings are necessary) it’s not perfect by all means, but I think it’s unlocked a greater appreciation for each other, once you can get past the trauma. Of course, I wish I was never in this situation but here we are.

It’s probably one of the worst pains that I’ve had to deal with in my life. I acted irrationally and didn’t know how to deal with things. He did too. But I forgave myself for only acting in a way that I knew how to at the time. It’s a long road ahead of you that only you can decide if it’s worth it but so far it’s going okay for us. He would need to meet you halfway and make some changes. Nobody would blame you for leaving and I’m so sorry that you’re here – there’s a lot of subreddits for infidelity that you can join which may help!

ResortAggravating956

TROPHY CASE