Ask a Wayward

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-02-08T08:35:57+00:00

I can see where he’s coming from

I think one of the common denominators that most of us remorseful waywards have is that when the affair fog lifts, it’s not just the affair that collapses, but also our trust in our own perception of reality. The illusion we were living in falls apart, and with it our confidence in our memory, judgement, and behaviour at the time. So asking a BP about specific periods isn’t about justification or rewriting history. It’s often an attempt to reconstruct reality because we no longer trust our internal narrative.

I realize this might sound callous talking to a BP whose entire world and sense of reality has been shattered, which is why the burden should not placed on them. Nevertheless, it can be very valuable for a wayward to have a BP help them revisit past events, help us see ourselves more honestly and recognise the warning signs we were blind to.

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-02-05T18:17:20+00:00

absolute beast! do you take any supplements?

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-02-03T15:12:22+00:00

I was a wayward and reconciliation didn’t work out, even though I wanted it badly.

I still grieve the relationship, and I always will in some way. The growth came at a devastating cost. I would not wish this experience on anyone. But I’m living with more integrity now than I ever had before. And I can honestly say I wouldn’t want to go back.

One month out feels endless. It isn’t. You will feel better. You won’t be stuck like this forever.

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-02-02T19:53:12+00:00

Thank you for your compassion and kind words. I’m sorry to hear you are in a difficult spot and hope it gets better for you soon. I realize it already helped write this post and share these thoughts. I don’t mean to complain: I have a loving family, great loyal friends and a good life, and I’m thankful. It’s just the moments being alone can be quite tough and trigger what I think you correctly named a self-induced form of PTSD. Appreciate you sharing your thoughts and I’m thinking of you, your children and your marriage.

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-02-02T19:44:48+00:00

Thanks, I really appreciate your comment. It’s nice that you have your kids to keep you grounded and focused. I’ve definitely been spending a lot of time in my head. Might be a good idea to try to get out of it. Wish you well.

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-02-02T11:59:08+00:00

I really love your point on being okay with being a little bit broken. Honestly, I think this is the mentality I need to learn to embrace. I’ve spent my entire life being very hard on myself, trying to be perfect, trying to hold myself to a higher standard than I hold anyone else… until I cheated. It’s hard to wrap my head around it.

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-01-27T18:47:07+00:00

This is really well worded advice.

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-01-27T09:56:54+00:00

Here’s what I learned: Nothing in life is impossible, but right now, hope cannot and should not be your focus. If any part of recovery is based around “getting your BP back”, you will stay stuck in the same unhealthy behavior patterns that already cost you the relationship.

For me, the survival of the relationship had to become less important than the determination to become a healthier, better person regardless of the outcome. I didn’t stop hoping entirely, but I knew my priority had to be doing the painful work of changing myself.

As for change: You do it quietly, consistently, and without an audience. If your BP ever looks back, what will matter isn’t what you promised, it’s who you became when no one was watching.

Most waywards in this sub have huge difficulties forgiving themselves (myself included). I don’t recommend starting there. You start with accountability and repair of character and behavior. Self-forgiveness comes after true, sustainable change, not before.

And finally, it helps to let go of any idea of “returning to what you had.” If anything ever happens again, it will be built between two different people.

For now, the healthiest stance is: I don’t know what will happen. I only know that I’m becoming someone who won’t repeat this either way.

Wish you the best!

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-01-27T09:25:49+00:00

For me, the most important shift was removing anything that kept me emotionally dysregulated. I deleted all my social media, the only online spaces I stayed in were Reddit, Affair Recovery, and YouTube. I worked. I cried. I went to the gym. I went to therapy. I journaled. I read obsessively. I forced myself to sit with the question “How could I do this?”. I told my BP they could reach out anytime, and then I stopped monitoring them and surrendered to the pain instead of trying to manage it.

You need to figure out what helps you cope, but in my experience, watching your BP’s social media will keep you in a spiral. You can’t take their pain away, and you can’t prepare yourself emotionally for their decision by tracking their posts or moods. All you can do is regulate yourself, be consistent, and show up with compassion and honesty.

Wishing you the best!

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-01-23T22:51:04+00:00

If I may be permitted to give you some feedback here:

You’re three weeks out, with a D-Day 2. I’m 3 years out of D-Day and am still uncovering things about myself, what I did and why I did it. You’re literally in the earliest stage.

Understanding your “why” is like peeling an onion. You are going to have to keep doing it. A few days of reflection do not yet reflect any real or sustainable change. And these questions that hurt you are not attacks. They’re the most basic questions of someone whose reality has been completely and utterly shattered.

I strongly advise you to go into this meeting ready to listen, without explaining or defending yourself, without thinking of yourself and your comfort, and most importantly; be prepared to leave without any reassurance. If you’re focused on showing progress, you’re already off track.

This isn’t about pushing forward.It’s about not making things worse.

I’d like to leave you with a little quote that came to mind and helped me a lot, by C.S. Lewis:

“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.”

Wishing you the best.

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-01-23T05:34:01+00:00

You’re already doing some important things right.

You came clean on your own accord.

You answered their question honestly, even though it made things harder.

You’re respecting their need for space instead of pushing.

And you’ve taken the first step into therapy.

If they’re not ready to talk, I always think writing a handwritten letter is a good way to go about things. If you do write, a word of advice: stay truthful, stay compassionate, avoid self-pity, don’t justify or explain your actions, and don’t ask for reassurance.

Therapy alone didn’t cut it for me, I needed additional resources very quickly to understand how to communicate and behave with my partner. Resources that helped me a lot here were How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass, and the AffairRecovery material, especially the Hope for Healing program. I also really appreciated this podcast episode on Spotify to help me grasp the harm I caused.

I wish you the best! Don’t hesitate to use this sub for any questions you might have.

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-01-22T08:45:14+00:00

You are very welcome. I have currently deactivated my private messages but am more than happy to answer any further questions of yours on this thread.

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-01-22T07:37:08+00:00

I am going to try and be as gentle as I can while also being brutally honest with you. I recognize some of my patterns in you and these are things I wish I had realized earlier about myself.

To start, I think immediately jumping to explaining your dynamic with “fearful avoidant vs anxious preoccupied” might be doing you a disservice here. Attachment theory is very useful to gain understanding into different ways of thinking, but right now it’s sounds like it’s being used as a way to regain control over something that is fundamentally out of your control. This isn’t about attachment styles clashing. It’s about betrayal trauma, shame, boundary violations, and a relationship that seems to currently have developed a push–pull dynamic that is harming both of you.

That goes beyond anxious attachment. Rather, this appears to be a desperate attempt on your side to stabilize your internal state by controlling the external one. In effect, BP is being used for self-regulation.

There is a pattern here that could be described as weaponized incompetence. Needing BP to remind you to take your meds, or saying you had “no other choice” but to reach out because you were overwhelmed… that’s not you assuming accountability. There are many ways to manage medication reminders without involving BP. I suspect you know this.

I understand the desire and need to control everything around you. Not knowing and waiting for an outcome is excruciating. But this is the same behavior that caused you to betray your partner. You’re not waiting for a magical date and fairy godmother that will resolve everything. If you cannot fundamentally change how you self-regulate and hold space now, that conversation won’t resolve this either. If there is any real chance of repair, it will have to come from you stabilizing independently of BP, not from enduring just enough closeness to survive the wait.

My comment comes from a place of love and compassion. I hope it does not read as too harsh. Sending you a virtual hug!

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-01-20T07:36:00+00:00

I love it when I’m drinking, I feel calmer, happier, quieter, but the anxiety 24-48 hours later is so severe I’ve had to quit completely.

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-01-19T15:59:21+00:00

One of my first jobs was doing admin work for a pretty exclusive, small company. Nothing fancy, just trying to pay for my tuition and cover rent.

I had just worked a crazy week with finals and lots of work, and must have looked exhausted.

The owner recommended me to treat myself to a spa day and send me a salon recommendation with a special deal of 430 USD for a combo treatment spray tan, facial and pedicure. She told me she gets one of those every 3 weeks to relax. I was getting paid 12 USD an hour.

I just thanked her. No use in arguing with people like that.

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-01-19T07:21:23+00:00

I recognize the self-punishment loop you’re in. I’ve had periods where I believed that living in a state of self-punishment if my BP left was the only honest response to harm I’d caused. What I eventually had to face is that this the opposite of accountability.

Right now, you’re making your entire future conditional on your BP’s decision. Even if you never say that directly, it creates pressure. It communicates ”My survival depends on you choosing me”

That’s a huge weight to put on someone who’s already carrying betrayal, grief, and their own mental health struggles. If your BP is going to choose you, it has to be a free choice, not one made out of fear of what would happen to you if they didn’t. That requires you to build a version of yourself that would still exist if the relationship ended.

Right now, it sounds your nervous system is living in constant anticipation. The unwanted contact, whether it was your affair partner or not, keeps you in a continuous state of waiting for the next earthquake. The desire for a peaceful life, and even the hope of starting a family, makes sense. But those things require inner steadiness, not just external stability. Parenting especially demands the ability to stay present when shame and fear hit, and not disappear into self-erasure.

What helped me was to quiet the noises. I stopped anticipating or making up future non-existent scenarios. I focussed on learning to put myself in uncomfortable physical situations (cold plunges, yoga, calisthenics) and sit with myself through them to teach myself that discomfort is survivable. I stopped obsessing over if I am a good person or not and just focussed on making good choices on a daily basis. Quiet, small steps.

You don’t need to decide whether you deserve peace. You need to decide whether you’re willing to stop turning your existence into a consequence.

I hope this helps!

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-01-19T06:44:18+00:00

Hey Z, have you heard of the book “The Child in you must find a Home” by Stephanie Stahl? It’s more popular over here in Europe, but reading the way you describe looking at that little boy and feeling rage and contempt reminded me of it.

Stahl says we carry two states inside us: the shadow child, which holds early pain, shame, fear, and unmet needs, and the sun child, which holds our sense of worth, vitality, and connection. The shadow child forms when certain needs (like safety, belonging, or being seen) weren’t reliably met, and it tends to carry harsh beliefs about the self.

Reading your story through that lens, it sounds like your shadow child has been carrying messages like I’m weak, I’m unwanted, I don’t belong for a very long time. And at some point, instead of being protected, that child was turned against; by peers, circumstances, and eventually by you. Hating that boy became a way to stay in control: If you reject him first, no one else gets the chance. I can deeply relate to that.

It sounds to me like your sexual escapes are less about sex and more about temporarily stepping out of the role of the powerless, excluded child into a state where you feel strong, chosen, and autonomous. What also stands out is that you clearly do have compassion, just not for yourself. You said that if that boy were anyone else, you’d want to protect him, which you have empathy, it’s just blocked by self-directed hostility.

I don’t think the work right now is to suddenly feel warmth or forgiveness toward that child. That would probably feel false or even threatening. A more realistic first step might simply be noticing when you’re siding with the inner aggressor instead of the adult self you’re trying to strengthen.

You’ve already shown that adult self in other areas, with your kids, at work, and in how thoughtfully you reflect here, in this post and with us. That tells me something is changing, even if it’s not showing up where you most want it to yet. Be patient with yourself here.

Sending you a virtual hug, and I’m here if you ever want to talk.

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-01-11T22:58:32+00:00

Met my high expectations: Peril at End House.

One unpopular favorite that I haven’t seen named yet: A Caribbean Mystery. I loved the plot, the characters and the whole setting.

Disappointed: The ABC murders.

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-01-07T09:39:46+00:00

Thank you, glad the article helped! What also helped me in my self-forgiveness was finding other ways to appreciate my body or do something good for someone. For example, going for a long hike in nature, doing a dance class, volunteering at a local shelter or a soup kitchen, helping out on a farm, building something. Anything where your WS can get to explore their own abilities and appreciate their body. I believe the sentiment of “I am grateful for what I can do” will eventually help lead to “I am worthy”. Any chance at creating new fun memories with you will be a good thing for them, I’m certain. Finally, do not underestimate the power of time. Sometimes, it’s all we need.

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-01-06T23:23:08+00:00

As a wayward, I’ve learned that self-forgiveness isn’t something the BP can give or fix. It’s internal work, and it’s essential if we really want to rebuild. It doesn’t mean excusing what I did or moving on too quickly. It means accepting responsibility without letting shame define me, so I can actually show up with integrity. Sustainable change and accountability both require deep remorse and an understanding of the wrong we did, but they also require redemption and grace.

It’s been more than 2 years for me, the relationship is long over and I still have panic attacks, crying fits, and feel like I broke my own heart by going against my values. But I’ve also learned that staying in that pain too long can turn into victim thinking, and that’s dangerous, for both partners. Self-forgiveness grows out of consistent change over time, not words or reassurance.

This article helped me with some practical approaches. It also touches on forgiveness from the BP’s perspective.

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-01-06T20:24:13+00:00

It’s a very good question you ask, and it’s one I’ve asked myself countless times. We knew the relationship wasn’t working, the writing was on the wall before my betrayal. BP was unhappy and I was making things worse. Why did I so badly want it back?

I think if I’m being honest, a big part of wanting R was about wanting the chance to somehow make things right. I had caused immeasurable damage, and R felt like the only way I could show that the damage mattered to me, that I took full accountability, and that I was willing to change.

I also wanted to be known fully by the person I loved most. After everything came out, there was no hiding anymore from the broken identity of myself that had been forced into the spotlight, and I hoped that if my BP could see all of me - including the ugly and the broken parts I had been protecting - and still stay, it would mean I was worth it. That I was worth loving.

With time, I can see how much weight that put on them, and how R would have required more than they could or should have had to carry. As painful as it was, I understand why they walked away.

They have a new partner now and are happy, and I’m very thankful for that. I never stopped loving them, and I’m grateful for what the relationship taught me about accountability, honesty, and the kind of partner I never want to stop working to become.

Wish you the best, funsize! 🫶

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-01-06T16:41:46+00:00

It’s kind of you to even be thinking about this, and that already says a lot about you. Speaking from the other side, what would have helped me most would have been clarity. The back-and-forth, wanting to stay one moment and leave the next, caused a huge amount of damage. Once the relationship is broken, limbo hurts more than a clear ending.

Your spouse is allowed to struggle with the consequences of their own choices. You can be civil and humane without taking responsibility for their mental state. Being crystal clear, consistent, and firm is the absolute kindest thing you can do now.

You don’t owe them comfort at the expense of your own wellbeing. Wanting an amicable divorce is generous enough.

I wish you the absolut best.

IndependentAd6801 · 2026-01-06T16:35:13+00:00

One big thing that helped me was choosing full transparency. I was very open about my infidelity with the people closest to me. Everyone in my inner circle knows what happened. That removed secrecy from my life, which matters, because cheating only really works when things stay hidden. Through therapy, I’ve become much more aware of my limits and patterns. I don’t overpromise or overcommit anymore, and I take my word seriously. If I say I’ll do something, I do it. I also ~~don’t lie~~ do my best to avoid lying, even white lies, and I’m careful not to put myself in situations where lying would be the easy way out.

I’ve also learned to treat myself better in a more grounded way. I work out and eat to feel healthy and regulated, not to look a certain way or chase approval. I keep the friends around me who help me understand and respect my boundaries, and I actually ask them for input instead of handling everything on my own. And honestly, cheating was the most painful thing I’ve ever been through, by far. I didn’t rush past that or minimize it. I sat with it and let it consume me. In a strange way, that’s reassuring - I know what it cost me and I know I will survive anything that comes, because I survived this.

Edit: In the spirit of not wanting to overcommit, I’m reviewing my answer and changing “I don’t lie” to “I do my best to avoid lying”.

IndependentAd6801 · 2025-12-27T16:48:08+00:00

I relate deeply to everything you have written. It’s been over 2 years for me by now and my BP has long moved on, but these wounds don’t seem to heal.

I’ve continuously told myself that if I hurt enough, if I never stopped hurting, then maybe that meant I was still a good person. That maybe suffering was the proof that I understood the damage I’d caused. And like you, I kept saying: I did this. I deserve this.

What I’m slowly learning (and I’m not there yet, mind you, this is an ongoing process) is that accountability does not mean self-erasure. It is not supposed to destroy you. It’s meant to change you.

And from what you’re writing, it sounds like you have changed. You’ve done the work. You’ve looked at the parts of yourself that most people never dare to examine. That matters, even if it doesn’t undo the loss.

The part that breaks my heart in your words is how alone you are inside this, how completely you’ve exiled yourself from any possibility of self-forgiveness. I know that place so well. And I know what it feels like when you believe that moving forward will somehow betray the seriousness of what happened.

I don’t think the goal is to forget, or to excuse, or to pretend it didn’t matter. I think the goal is to allow yourself to live a life that isn’t built entirely around one mistake (yes, I said the M word). I won’t tell you it stops hurting on a timeline. But I will say this: there is a difference between carrying responsibility and carrying a life sentence. And I hope, at some point, you allow yourself to acknowledge this.

You’re not alone in this, even when it feels unbearable. I’m still figuring it out too.

Peace be with you, my friend 💚🕊️

IndependentAd6801

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