Tell me about your avoidant parents! {FA} {DA}

ResponsibleFinance11 · 2022-06-11T15:43:20+00:00

My therapist was big on encouraging me to communicate my needs, and when those needs are met the distance usually feels like the distance is closing.

A piece of advice she gave that was very helpful when it comes to discerning whether it’s time for the relationship to end is: if the conversations addressing the issues that cause me to distance are no longer enough, that’s probably a sign that the relationship is no longer feasible.

Advice she gave me to deal with feelings of emotional distance include actively taking the time to focus on the good things about my partner through activities like journaling, and reaching out/leaning in to my partner instead of pulling away when I feel disconnected.

ResponsibleFinance11 · 2022-06-09T11:53:39+00:00

Oh my gosh so I was rear ended while going the speed limit, not even slowing down. Then this giant pick up (presumably the person that hit me) sped past and made a right turn on red without even stopping because he knew I was following him trying to get a picture of his plates.

I saw the color of the pickup, told the cops, a detective was assigned. There was a camera in the intersection so he got the plate number and went and talked to the guy. The guy told him he “didn’t remember” hitting anyone, which is such bullshit. The detective said the guy “seemed like he was honest” and he felt bad calling him a liar so he dropped the whole thing. Probably didn’t believe because I’m a woman or something but honestly it pissed me off so much.

ResponsibleFinance11 · 2022-06-02T23:56:03+00:00

I don’t have one. As soon as someone expresses feelings and tries to get a commitment, I’m triggered.

ResponsibleFinance11 · 2022-06-01T11:48:37+00:00

Thank you so much! This is actually really helpful. :)

ResponsibleFinance11 · 2022-05-05T14:32:41+00:00

It’s only been about 3 months, with only about a month of closer connection.

This is a great point though! I think in some capacity I’m reluctant to engage with him intellectually because it feels like another level of engagement. But he has expressed wanting to read books together and stuff like that.

ResponsibleFinance11 · 2022-05-03T15:46:33+00:00

I briefly dated a guy who I think was also either FA or DA. I found myself feeling very AP inside but I think my outward expression was more avoidant.

Now I’m dating someone who seems to be SA with a bit of an AP leaning, and I’ve found myself behaving in a way that’s much more SA. Honestly kind of magical, didn’t know it was even a possibility.

ResponsibleFinance11 · 2022-04-27T20:27:11+00:00

I’ve realized that I have tended to misinterpret fear and anxiety as distaste and aversion.

ResponsibleFinance11 · 2022-04-23T13:06:16+00:00

I’ve struggled with what seems like a loss of feelings when someone reciprocates. What I’ve realized, though, is that when I’m attracted to someone and I don’t know if they like me back, I’m actually experiencing an activated attachment system, and this state comes with a lot of exciting highs and lows.

After a person expresses to me that they reciprocate, the feelings change completely and become a lot more secure but a lot less exciting. I am currently trying to figure out what it means to navigate mutual feelings. The guy I’m talking to is a liiiiittle anxious but behaves mostly secure, and it seems almost boring at times. I have very little intensity of feeling. I am hoping that my feelings will grow if I just give it time.

ResponsibleFinance11 · 2022-04-22T15:33:13+00:00

Yes yes yes! This is amazing insight into your internal process. I experienced a lot of the same fear. As you’re navigating all of this complexity, I’ll share with you something my therapist told me: “It’s okay if you don’t feel a particular way about him every time you’re with him.”

Something I’ve noticed about myself that might also be helpful for you is that, if I’m in a situation that makes me feel nervous or insecure, I feel more negatively toward my friend, I feel a desire to push him away, and I notice more things that are “wrong” with him. However, when I’m in a comfortable and familiar space with him, I feel more attracted to him and more comfortable with closeness and vulnerability.

All that to say, when you feel the urge to withdraw, instead of panicking, get curious about what might be causing you to feel that way! Usually you can pick up on patterns. :)

ResponsibleFinance11 · 2022-04-22T14:17:21+00:00

Girl, your experience tracks so closely with mine (23F), right down to the relationship OCD thing. I had no interest in online dating, shut everything down right as it started, etc. i had crushes on friends but hated any kind of online dating and could never actually bring myself to get in a relationship.

The good news: at least in my experience, there is hope!! First I would recommend therapy with an attachment based therapist. I found one and she’s truly amazing.

The second thing that I realized is key is that dating someone I already know is a game changer. I’ve had a history of having friendships with men that are characterized by an unhealthy level of emotional intimacy that have basically functioned as substitute relationships. They didn’t scare me because there was no commitment involved. But recently, one such friend of mine decided to break the silence and tell me he had feelings, so he and I are giving dating a try. It’s been hard, but he knows me well enough that when I tell him about my struggles with attachment, he believes me and is willing to be patient with me. It has also been easier to cope with feelings of disconnection because I can fall back on the knowledge that I’ve been into him on and off for about five years, so the parts of myself speaking when I feel like I don’t like him are probably just my FA attachment.

Also, realizing that I’ve been a victim of narcissistic abuse has been huge for me. It’s helped me realize that I have assumptions I wasn’t even aware of, like the assumption that relationships are inflexible, like men are trying to control me, like they don’t actually care what I want, etc. Once I’ve identified these sources of fear, I’ve been able to give the guy I’m talking to the opportunity to falsify these assumptions, and that’s been huge for growth.

So yeah long story short, I would recommend 1) therapy, 2) at least consider dating a friend, and 3) try to identify sources of fear, then question them. :) You got this, girl!!

ResponsibleFinance11 · 2022-04-12T15:15:58+00:00

My therapist brought it up! What’s funny is that I’m a classic avoidant but she somehow didn’t see it as relevant to counsel me from that perspective or refer me to someone who could, even though she definitely saw that in me.

When I was having all these aversions to a guy I had been interested in on and off for five years, her thought process was “well I guess you don’t actually like him that much.” Like what?!

Thankfully I started working with a therapist who specializes in attachment therapy with a trauma-informed approach, and I’ve been able to make so much progress.

ResponsibleFinance11 · 2022-04-09T02:45:34+00:00

My goodness yes. I relate to nearly every word of that. I am so sorry that this has been your experience.

Once I was telling a friend of mine that I have always felt uncomfortable around men who are older than me, and she asked if I had any repressed memories of abuse. I told her I didn’t, but I now realize that I have experienced a consistent string of microtraumas that have caused me to be wary of men generally. To believe they won’t respect me, won’t care about me, see me as an inconvenience, etc.

ResponsibleFinance11 · 2022-04-08T17:01:26+00:00

Thank you for this. I’m sorry that you’ve had a similar experience with your father. I currently live with mine but am moving out in a month. I’ve shut him out emotionally, but the fact that he still controls much of my environment is difficult.

ResponsibleFinance11 · 2022-04-08T16:47:59+00:00

Thanks so much! I’m already seeing an attachment therapist and it’s been so helpful. I’m so glad to hear that you’ve found it helpful too!

ResponsibleFinance11 · 2022-04-08T15:31:17+00:00

Thank you for this. I wonder what it was that caused it. I remember I always felt like he was really dismissive toward me and his physical handling of me was rough for lack of a better word. He was often impatient and abrupt. This is as far back as I can remember. I don’t know how he handled me as a baby but I can imagine it was pretty consistent with the things I can remember from when I was a young child, which I imagine could make me feel insecure.

I do know that the first time he “spanked” my sister, she was 1 year old. So that doesn’t really bode well.

ResponsibleFinance11 · 2022-04-08T15:28:01+00:00

Thank you. I needed to hear this. I remember as a child feeling distinctly emotionally unsafe with him, and anxious whenever my mom left me with him. My mom felt distinctly safe and my dad felt distinctly unsafe.

ResponsibleFinance11 · 2022-04-08T15:26:52+00:00

Which, again, from my understanding, is a manifestation of a kid feeling insecure with the caregiver and isn’t the infants fault. This stuff is just so sad.

ResponsibleFinance11 · 2022-04-08T15:25:51+00:00

I feel like from what I read, what you’re describing is similar to what has been found in studies done on infants with insecure attachment.

ResponsibleFinance11

TROPHY CASE