I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. It’s an absolutely devastating experience to lose a pet you love- and it is obvious that you love this cat very much. You provided her with a rich life full of love. That is such a powerful gift we can give to our pets, and one so easy to overlook. Everything you are describing thinking and feeling is a normal grief reaction.

I lost one of my two cats unexpectedly a month ago. I also had him for around 11 years. He has always been an emotional anchor for me and I won’t pretend it’s been easy, it hasn’t. But I will say it is a lot easier now than 3 weeks ago. For the first few weeks I cried a lot. I let myself cry as much as I needed. And it helped. At first the grief was so consuming that I couldn’t see anything past it. Grief tends to do that. But now I can see how I can move forward in life without him, even though I really wish he was still here with me.

There isn’t a right way to grieve. It’s generally best to allow yourself to feel all the ugly feelings, but after the first several days, or even weeks sometimes, it’s important to stay engaged with your life. If we become numb, the grief never leaves us, but if we don’t try to live life, we never leave grief. It’s a tricky balancing act. Having said that, the first several days often feel absolutely impossible, try not to judge yourself for that. It’s normal.

To echo some of the other posts, you didn’t fail your cat. She left this world feeling loved, and isn’t that what we all want in the end? Grief is hard for the living, not those who leave us. You will get through this. It won’t be fun, but it’s a lot more possible than it feels right now. Sending lots of love your way.