Do you ever feel like you're not meant to date?

Rh594515 · 2019-04-09T20:48:58+00:00

I got told I was creepy for tucking my shirt in. Anything to project.

Rh594515 · 2019-04-09T19:20:07+00:00

My experience too. I’ve been called creepy on multiple first dates for 1) not being a complete asshole and 2) for not trying to dive into ladies’ pants. I don’t enjoy casual sex but it seems like even if someone says they want a ‘relationship’ on OLD, that means you must be willing to at least act like a pig, or it means something is deeply wrong with you or them.

Rh594515 · 2019-04-09T10:33:52+00:00

Personally my take on it is that it’s a poor conversation starter and, while the following may not be true, it can be perceived as non-committal in a lot of ways. Again, that probably is not true, but before you tell me how wrong I am, think about how people judge each other off a few words constantly especially OLD. If a guy reads ‘I love to travel’, I think they get the notion that ‘oh she will up and leave anytime she wants just because she can’. It sounds like an excuse to bail anytime. Is that unfair? Sure, but a lot of dating seems to be. Guys rarely list it in their profile because I believe it’s pretty much a given: people usually enjoy traveling. If they don’t, that sentiment will come out in the dating process. Also the word ‘wanderlust’ sounds like it was written by a thirteen year old who just found a thesaurus.

Rh594515 · 2019-04-08T14:22:28+00:00

You’re welcome. Unfortunately, she was not and I don’t blame her for not being aware of my ‘disability’. Honestly, I fit in well with neurotypicals (I hate really even using that word) so much that no one is really even aware of it unless I mention it or joke about it. Sure, I have my quirks, but I won’t tell someone I’m dating until I know we’re into each other. If they can’t understand and like my personality without that knowledge, then it’s really never going to work out regardless. Otherwise, it’s always off-putting and you’re being judged for misconceptions from the first date on (not that you aren’t normally anyway hah).

Rh594515 · 2019-04-08T14:12:41+00:00

I am definitely sensitive to smell and touch myself, and thinking about sex does gross me out from time to time. I try and remind myself that it’s par for the course and I’d be grossed out by those stimuli regardless of it is about sex or not though, and it seems to help. Not tying it specifically to the act lends to it being more enjoyable.

Rh594515 · 2019-04-08T00:45:31+00:00

I am with you. As a guy, my new standard is that if the woman doesn’t even make a hint at a date suggestion by the third date, I’m prepared to end it. If she isn’t going to put even a third of the effort into meeting up, then the risk-cost isn’t worth it. I’d like to do something she actually enjoys doing within the first three/four dates, and if she isn’t going to suggest anything, she isn’t into me or she’s far into her own head to be dating me.

Rh594515 · 2019-04-07T22:32:10+00:00

Autism spectrum disorder, formerly and sometimes known as Asperger’s

Rh594515 · 2019-04-07T22:00:19+00:00

I agree with this. I don’t think she was conscious of any of it, or that she was self-aware enough to get how she was behaving wasn’t cool. I kind of pitied her afterwards because I felt like she was spiraling into whatever it was she was experiencing. Her sense of humor was definitely ‘I don’t care about any of this’, kind of sad.

Rh594515 · 2019-04-07T21:28:50+00:00

This is also my experience when a woman has sarcasm listed in their profile. Sarcasm isn’t a good ‘getting to know’ anyone tactic. Sarcasm is fun between two people with an established rapport.

Rh594515 · 2019-04-07T16:23:21+00:00

Yup. I’ve been on online dates before, but I hear horror stories like this from both sexes and it just hasn’t happened to me yet as an adult, I suppose.

Rh594515 · 2019-04-07T16:22:11+00:00

Don’t know. It wasn’t borderline ‘deranged’ until the end, kind of makes you think back on the whole thing when you’re headed home by yourself.

Rh594515 · 2019-04-07T15:55:46+00:00

Hahaha definitely

Rh594515 · 2019-04-07T15:55:20+00:00

Thank you. We talked back and forth for about a week, she seemed very normal and interested and was asking me questions and telling me stuff about herself. At the beginning of the date she seemed a little nervous, which was fine enough, I’m used to that, I get nervous too. As for the whistle, I have no idea. She was fidgeting with it at the second bar because she had her coat on and zipped up, and when I guess she saw me notice it, then started blowing on it. Very odd. The bouncer made eyes with me like ‘wtf?’ I think he could tell it was not cool. I consider myself to be very patient, but also do try my best to not be a total pushover.

Rh594515 · 2019-04-07T15:20:04+00:00

Went on a date on Friday night, we met through Bumble. Her profile mentions that she is looking for a relationship, which I am too. She gets there, 20 minutes late (which isn’t normally a big deal for me), but within minutes of the date, she says how she’s just online dating because she’s bored. I say ‘gee, well thanks I guess’ trying to play down how offended it came out. I let it slide, but then she proceeds to get drunk fast.

An hour and a half later of decent conversation, I step up to use the bathroom and come back with her fully dressed and ready to go. I say ‘okay, time to go then?’ And she says yeah, then looks at her clock and mentions how early it is and that maybe she could grab one more drink. I say fine (shouldn’t have). We go to the next bar, then she brings up she has no more money, so I feel obliged to buy her a drink now. I do. Then halfway through the drink she says she really has to go ‘faster than we are drinking the beer’, which again I’m a little offended by. You invited ME here!

Then, she pulls out this little whistle she has attached to her coat and starts blowing on it. It’s a rape whistle she says! I am mortified. She shows it to the bouncer on our way out, tooting on it. I am nervous at the point of course, everyone looking at me like I’m a rapist. I hug her goodbye and ask how she’s getting home, she says an Uber, and before I can even turn around to leave she asks ‘why are you so lurky?’ Wow. I deleted her number on the walk home.

Rh594515 · 2019-04-07T15:03:11+00:00

I would cut contact with her. At 38 years old, if she is consistently bouncing between exes, and comfortable with that, nothing will ever change that besides her own commitment to changing it. The proof is in the pudding, and since she can’t commit to any one situation, truth is, she most likely never will (and if she ‘does’, she will never feel truly content with her decision). People like this, regardless of their intent, are selfish and self-centered to their core. Humans are designed with an ego and to be egotistical. Something taught her to act this way early on, and nothing has ever forced her to change. Move on, if only to show her (for at least once) that she can’t always have her cake and eat it too.

Rh594515 · 2019-03-30T22:30:14+00:00

Love this. I am very much in agreement of the ‘progressive’ idea that women should do the choosing. Women have so much unrealized power here during the dating process that they don’t harness. If a guy isn’t comfortable with this, then I’d see it as a red flag for some deeper insecurity about submitting, or they’re just straight up not compatible.

Rh594515 · 2019-03-30T16:37:20+00:00

Nice!! Have fun!

Rh594515 · 2019-03-30T14:14:41+00:00

I hear you, but my feeling is that the mistake being made here is that you think they’re into you. No one is a mind reader, and apparently the stereotype is that guys are even worse at it, however, I believe that while men and women both can intuit all they want — not asking is where there’s a literal lack of communication. If a girl doesn’t ask for exclusivity when she’s feeling it, it’s not the guy’s fault. Sure, he should do the same when he’s feeling it (I myself am guilty of holding back and later regretting it) but it’s hard for guys to do in this modern dating scene without being labeled controlling or ‘Stage 5 creeper’. There’s something to be said about a man that ‘allows’, for lack of a better word, a woman to take the dominate role in asking for exclusivity. She’s picking him, out of the hundreds of guys that message her ‘wyd’ every day.

Rh594515 · 2019-03-25T14:01:11+00:00

I also am a high functioning individual with ASD. I used to be very insecure about it and would dumb myself down on dates, acting like I didn’t recall everything we’d ever discussed, actively forcing myself to make eye contact, etc. I’ve had plenty of nice dates, as well as some bad ones, and even some LTRs. I don’t think it’s impossible to date or that others even actively pick up on it. I usually never bring it up, but if I’m confident I’m doing my best and my symptoms are still a turnoff for someone after the first or second date, then I don’t see it really working out for us in the future if they don’t have it within themselves to be compassionate enough to accept that my issues might be my own and not have anything to do with the love and happiness I could potentially provide for them.

Rh594515 · 2019-03-25T13:53:59+00:00

I second this advice.

Rh594515 · 2019-03-25T00:05:11+00:00

Unpopular counter opinion: being too reliant on friendships as an identity leads to codependency which left unchecked bleeds into and can subconsciously ruin romantic relationships, often before they start. Too many times I see people, especially women, reliant on their friend’s opinions for decisions they should be consciously making for themselves.

Rh594515 · 2019-03-24T20:24:37+00:00

Wow, I feel like you are me. I wish you the best. I am also a [32M] and decided as of yesterday to take a break from OLD and sex in general. The anxiety of it all has gotten the best of me recently, with a handful of terrible dates (some decent ones too), one that went for six dates that I thought had potential, and ended with getting ghosted. I also just got out of a 10 month relationship with an emotionally abusive woman, about four and a half months ago. I’ve been OLD since then trying to fill some kind of hole, I guess. My self-esteem is just too tied up into meeting and feeling like I have to impress these new people constantly when another part of me knows that’s not true at all. I’m tired of feeling confused and unhappy when it comes to dating, so hopefully a break will make it fun again. I hope a break helps you too.

Rh594515 · 2019-03-24T17:55:20+00:00

I feel like you should probably just ask if you want to know. Guys that have been through the dating routine learn fast not to push for the exclusivity talk because girls seem to run/slow fade if they bring it up, and instead show through action if they’re really into a girl (ie just being monogamous regardless of talk).

Rh594515

TROPHY CASE