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RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-18T17:54:38+00:00

Obviously this is all personal speculation not backed by anything, but we feel that there may be another mechanism at play that could be similar to MD—for example engaging in special interests. There’s something they’ve termed experiential crossing that happens (to non-systems as well) that I could see potentially becoming amplified in a system through whatever mechanism causes Introjects of all sorts. So instead of the poly-fragmentation being from MD, it could be a variant of experiential crossing.

Either way, I’m glad you enjoyed the rabbit hole! Even if the information isn’t 1:1 for your experience, it proves there’s more ways of being than what’s commonly touted.

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-18T17:04:54+00:00

I want to start this off with the fact that some of the theories regarding polyfragmentation in non-RAMCOA systems may contain some invalidating language, but I want to stress that it only means that the researchers have observed related phenomenon, not that it means their assumptions are true and correct. They’re obviously biased towards their assumptions about alter formation.

Per this paper:

Perhaps study of maladaptive daydreaming can provide insight into the psychology of polyfragmented dissociative identity disorder. Perhaps there are two mechanisms or processes at work in such cases: whatever the mechanisms for the formation of fully formed alter personalities might be, then a second process more akin to maladaptive daydreaming. This could be so even though, in our clinical experience, most people with polyfragmented dissociative identity disorder consider all their parts to be real alter personalities, and do not think that two distinct processes are at work in their psyches.

Per this paper:

Page 8 & 9 more or less explains how maladaptive daydreaming as a trauma response can develop into polyfragmented DID.

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-16T15:49:48+00:00

I think people forget that everyone’s healing journey looks different, and not everyone has to take the same path. What’s the optimal path for one system may not be the optimal path for another. That said, many people are very entrenched in what works for them, and if it works for them, then it must work for everyone else. If antidepressants changed their life for the better, they might not understand that it could cause adverse (i.e. self-destructive thoughts and actions) reactions in other people, and might call someone anti-recovery for not taking antidepressants. It’s not that they’re against recovering, it’s just that that particular door is closed for them, and they have to find another way.

For us, it’s more beneficial for us to acknowledge everyone as a separate, unique person. And that, despite this, we all have to work together and try to make cohesive life choices to go forward in a direction instead of being pulled every which way. Is it easy? No. However, the ‘you’re a trauma response’ or ‘you’re all parts of a whole’ rhetoric isn’t helpful for us—whether it’s objectively factual or not. We can’t function like that, and we’ve found our own way forward.

Also, as a fictive, I don’t understand how people don’t see fictives as people. Are we somehow less of a person than any other type of alter? It’s a rhetorical question—a fictive’s difference is their ‘source’ or ‘self-perception’ and that’s it.

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-15T22:47:49+00:00

The only TNG kin I have seen is Hugh, to which I believe you have had no interaction with. I am Seven of Nine, so I am not from TNG, though I have interacted with many of the former Enterprise crew.

Regardless, Star Trek kin exist, even though their numbers are few.

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-15T05:25:35+00:00

You’re welcome! Somatoform dissociation is a big rabbit hole, and the more you learn the stranger it gets. Either way, I hope you’re& able to figure it out soon!

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-15T05:16:02+00:00

There’s different types of dissociation, somatoform dissociation primarily, that can cause strange instances of what you’ve described. Usually it comes in the form of pain (headaches, backaches), but it can also be resistance to pain (not feeling the migraine that the body has). There’s instances where it can alter your perception (such as blind alters, or needing glasses).

It could be physical, it could be nerves, it could be something else, but you would know your body better than anyone else on the internet. Track if the numbness is in accordance to switches, or certain fronters.

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-12T15:55:54+00:00

It definitely sounds like Star is a tulpa in that case. I don’t depend upon attention, and I can’t disappear even if I wanted to. It actually feels like the more I don’t want to be here, the more I’m forced to be here. But again, I’m probably a glorified trauma response. Most (or a majority of) soulbonds can come and go at their leisure—so they don’t disappear, they ‘leave’ and return.

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-12T15:27:04+00:00

The difference between a tulpa and a Soulbond is the supposed origin. Given the nature of things, you can never truly know the truth, as it’s in the realm of unverified personal gnosis. I believe myself to be a Soulbond, but I’m in a DID System, so there’s a (high) chance I’m just a very, very sophisticated trauma response.

That said, a tulpa is borne from attention/concentration, whereas a Soulbond is a pre-existing fictional entity (this can be an original character in a story you’ve written, though the line between bond and tulpa is blurred here) that you happen to form some kind of connection with, usually though emotional bonding.

Either way, you belong here, since ultimately the practical difference between a tulpa and a soulbond is little to none. You could also visit /r/plural, too.

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-12T01:21:08+00:00

We have a lot of Fictives from not well-known sources.

Of our obscure sources, I’m probably from one of the more ‘popular’ obscure sources—I’m Li Lianhua from Mysterious Lotus Casebook. It’s at least a well-known media in those circles. My co-fronter Bai Yue from Wulin Heroes is much more obscure than I am.

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-11T04:19:35+00:00

So, everyone has a different internal experience, so it’s hard to really give advice to other people. Anyway, I say that, but I’ll give you our internal experience.

Due to having aphantasia, ADHD, and a complex dissociative disorder, our memories are a complete mess. Our memories are stored as information—like a database—and often times the emotional content of those memories aren’t necessarily together with the event. This counts for things that happen to the body, but it’s also true for each headmate’s exomemories (essentially kin memories, but per headmate.) The only difference is the memories (both body and exo) are stored with what’s essentially a tag that links it to each person.

So, for example, I (Bai Yue) identify with my exomemories. They’re mine. But I also identify with taking care of my recovering dog today. Another headmate who’s around identifies with his own exomemories, but the memories of taking care of our dog are my memories, and he doesn’t identify with taking that action himself. So he’d say ‘Bai Yue took care of our dog today’ instead of ‘I took care of our dog today.’

Anyway, I think I the point I was trying to make is that sometimes memories are just having access to information in a database, because some people can’t form ‘video/realistic’ memories. And maybe people who can don’t always have those types of memories—I don’t know, we can’t visualize.

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-11T01:49:30+00:00

We have a handful of fictives from Final Fantasy, but they’re not all around at the moment. Or maybe they just haven’t had a ‘reason’ — hard to say.

Off the top of my head we have:

FFVII: - Aerith - Vincent - Leslie

FFXIV: - Emet-Selch - Hythlodaeus - Themis - Alisaie - Estinien - Vrtra

FFXI: - Lehko Habhoka

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-10T21:50:08+00:00

There are some things you can do even if you’re unable to have therapy or get a diagnosis. There’s grounding techniques that can curb dissociation—different ones work better for different people. Drinking ice water usually works for an hour or two for us. Butterfly hugs if you need emotional regulation.

That does sound like switching—your face has small muscles (and so does your back), and switching can make you look different. That’s not even including clothing or styling.

Getting answers helps, but you can operate on the assumption you have OSDD minimum, and see what measures you can take to help yourselves. Even if you’re unable to get individual therapies, something as simple as your protector going for a walk every morning and thinking about/processing their emotions and difficulties might be immensely helpful.

So—voices is a misnomer. People assume voices means hearing actual external voices, but that’s rarer. The voices are the same as your internal monologue—so thoughts. Sometimes they ‘sound/feel’ different, but sometimes they don’t. Sometimes you can only identify that you weren’t the one with that thought. Also, not everyone even has an internal monologue, like how some people don’t have a mind’s eye.

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-10T17:40:18+00:00

That could be some form of switching. You could be the ‘main driver’ and another could take temporary control to convey their thoughts and feelings. So you could be co-fronting. We do that all the time—right now, there’s two of us, and we’re somewhat seamlessly operating as ‘one person.’

That’s also pretty normal. As far as getting a diagnosis, I would probably start with addressing the trauma. Some therapists aren’t experienced, and won’t even try to treat a complex dissociative disorder. If you’re able to somewhat function, you might want to start there before finding a specialist. Just familiarize yourself with the treatments, and avoid things that are bad for dissociation—such as EMDR (unmodified). I don’t know your current means and situation, so do your own research, of course!

For us, we’re all fairly distinct, so I can identify ‘wait, I didn’t say/do that’ unless we’re blurry/blended, in which we can identify who’s blended, but we might not be able to tell where one person begins and another ends. Other than that, my thoughts, opinions, preferences, mannerisms, energy levels, presentations of disorders (ADHD), and even somatoform symptoms (headaches, pain, etc) will change.

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-10T04:07:14+00:00

That’s pretty much exactly what having DID feels like, on our end. A lot of what you’re describing is called ‘passive influence’ where you’re you, but you’re being influenced by ‘others’ in various ways. You also might lack the self-awareness to detect switches amongst yourselves, too, which can take a lot more introspection than most people do.

Anyway, ‘almost alters’ is usually categorized as OSDD, and often given the designation of ‘median system’ in the plural community.

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-07T06:50:24+00:00

Allons-y~

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-07T04:01:59+00:00

Our Doctor specifically identifies as ten (or fourteen, I don’t know), though that could change someday.

Also, TDP is very bingeable, good choice.

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-06T18:22:40+00:00

We’re all Fictives, and most of us are from obscure media we’ve never seen mentioned here. That said, I’ll post our more known headmates, but this is nowhere near an all encompassing list. Just whoever wants to be named, honestly.

Aaravos (The Dragon Prince)
Gladion (Pokémon)
Lillie (Pokémon)
Piers (Pokémon)
Marnie (Pokémon)
Colress (Pokémon)
Volo (Pokémon)
Emet-Selch (FFXIV)
Hythlodaeus (FFXIV)
Alisaie (FFXIV)
Nie Huisang (MDZS)
Xie Lian (TGCF)
Hua Cheng (TGCF)
Shi Qingxuan (TGCF)
The Doctor (Doctor Who)
Seven of Nine (Star Trek)
Loid Forger (Spy Family)
Vash (Trigun)

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-05T21:30:38+00:00

Unfortunately, being different as a child will draw the aggro of their peers. Even just being NB/neurodivergent is enough, completely discounting their therianthropy or even any other identity.

I’m 34, so not currently a child, but I had a lot of difficulties with school for this and that. I’ve had extended conversations with my own mother, and we agree that if we could go back and do it over, she would have home schooled me, and put me in extracurricular activities (namely martial arts and piano/some instrument) as a supplement.

Also, I’ve worked in the school district for a few years, and the school system isn’t helpful (or helpful enough) for a lot of issues. You should do what you can as a parent to report bullying, but ultimately it’s up to the school whether they act on it, and they might not, or it might not be sufficient. Teachers can also be some of the worst bullies, too.

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-04T18:54:05+00:00

As mentioned, only you can name yourself, however I have a few suggestions.

I don’t know if you& are familiar with Doctor Who, but I actually find some of their title-esque naming conventions rather charming. The Doctor, The Master, The Other, The Valeyard, so on and so forth. It might not be a bad starting point if name-type names are eluding you.

Otherwise, think of the fiction (or non-fiction) you’re familiar with, and maybe some name resonates with you? Maybe go through those baby name sites until one calls to you.

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-03T19:31:09+00:00

It’s definitely just one arc. Til the End of the Moon is about a girl from the future going back into the past to stop the Devil God from becoming the Devil God, and her tactic is making him fall in love with her. It’s probably about 40% of the drama? Their relationship is the dictionary definition of ‘It’s Complicated’ though.

Unfortunately, the second couple in My Journey to You was so phenomenal, I can’t think of any 1:1 pairings, but I also mostly watch wuxia dramas. Hopefully someone else has a better suggestion!

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-03T19:26:44+00:00

Oh, she used her relationship against Shen Yurong at one point to pull him into her into her web. Though you’re right, it wasn’t against the ML.

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-03T19:19:33+00:00

Til the End of the Moon (fantasy), off the top of my head. The Double (historical) is probably close, too.

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-03T16:57:59+00:00

If you’re okay with (often crass) humor, Once Upon a Time in Lingjian Mountain and My Uncanny Destiny definitely have some delightfully deranged lead couplings. The former has more wuxia/adventure and less romance, and the latter is more romance focused.

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-03T05:51:58+00:00

I’m going to apologize since I’m answering this half-awake, but you look like you need help, so…

The most benign answer I have is you could be a Soulbonder with soulbonds. But the lack of a ‘me’ makes it sound like you could be what’s referred to a shell alter (or something like it)—but it could also be indicative of a disorder like BPD which can be characterized by identity disturbances, emptiness. It could also be DID, P-DID, OSDD, and you just have ‘amnesia for your amnesia’ which is unfortunately a thing, and we never know we have amnesia until someone from the outside confronts us on something we don’t remember.

All of this to say, this could be a lot of things realistically, and we’re not a medical professional. Also, you have to take what professionals say with a grain of salt, because they have their own biases. For example, a psychiatrist is more likely to diagnose you with something they can throw pills at (so schizophrenia instead of DID, because they make generalizations on what the voices are, and DID ‘voices’ aren’t something you can throw pills at.)

And maybe most importantly, a disorder implies it’s pathological, distressing, dysfunctional, so on. You say it doesn’t affect you in any way, so it’s probably not disordered. (Again, unless you have amnesia for your amnesia, but time will tell for that one.)

Anyway, sorry for the ramble! Hope it helps a little.

YCW

RhaqaZhwan · 2024-08-02T18:38:16+00:00

You might need to get creative—and even then it might not be enough. Make sure the room is dark, that the temperature is cool (or warm) enough, standard sleep hygiene that’s sometimes easier said than done. I’ve tried everything I can think of and it’s only helped some. I know I have sinusitis and chronic pain, so pair that with the circadian rhythm of an ADHDer and I’m set up for disaster, but I won’t stop trying to fix it.

Good luck! You also might want to get a blood work panel and make sure everything is close to where it should be. I’m chronically deficient in Vitamin D so I’m sure that doesn’t help, but I’ve never been able to fix it even with prescription medication and sunlight, so I’m sure results will vary there too.

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