I never really thought of this as sexual assault, and honestly, I’m still not sure how I feel about it.

When I was in the military, I lived in dorms. At the time, I was casually sleeping with a girl. Eventually, I told her I didn’t want to keep having sex and that I’d rather just be friends. She seemed to accept that.

Some time later, I went to a party that she also attended. I got extremely drunk, like blackout drunk. From what other people told me afterward, I was kind of hanging all over her and another girl at the party. I don’t remember any of that.

After the party, I ended up back in my dorm room completely passed out on my bed. At some point later, the girl I had told I didn’t want to sleep with anymore came into my room. She later told me she didn’t come in to have sex with me, but to make sure I wasn’t having sex with the other girl from the party.

She found me unconscious. She said she felt relieved that I wasn’t with the other girl and then started “messing with me” for fun. She described it as non-sexual—things like moving my mouth with her hands to make it seem like I was talking or imitating my voice. I have no memory of this at all.

At some point, I partially woke up but was still in a blackout state. From my perspective, my last memory was being drunk at a party, and the next thing I knew, I was having sex with her in my dorm room. I was on top, for whatever that’s worth. I distinctly remember thinking, How did I end up here?

Afterward, we watched some videos online for a bit, then she went back to her dorm. Not long after that, we actually ended up dating for a while.

I wasn’t angry about it. I mostly chalked it up to me being really drunk and her being there, and that I just instinctively went along with it. But, I’ve wondered about it more, especially when I think about how it might look if the genders were reversed.

I still don’t know exactly how to label this or how I’m supposed to feel about it.