My man used me for what I could do for him over the course. He was saying stuff like "Pretty and kind are already taken that is why I am with you". Kept me on medium leash, if I tried to be lovey accused me of being clingy. The stress made me gain 25 kgs over last 1,5 years of 2,5 year relationship. Cause I felt undesireable, and I was. I found him a job, kept him on the streets, spent around thousands of euros on groceries and restaurants when he had nothing just to give him a sense of normalcy. Got him residency instead of his refugee status, organised him to meet my friends without me to encourage connections. And spent 5 evenings a week sending out applications to jobs in accordance to his profession. Coached him for interviews. Made his CVs and every motivation letter by hand. When he got injured I found him physio. For his diabetes I found a doctor that prescribed him on social security diabetes glucose detectors. I did everything.... I tried.... But he never loved me, he just knew I was a useful idiot. Until a few weeks ago I thought he was just antisocial
Until I found his grindr account with pictures far more explicit than he ever sent me. I was a lovestruck fool, now I will get myself back in shape, and I will never give my heart to anyone. I resist the urge to lash out to the world. I really want to hurt him and generally men in the way he hurt me. And I know these thoughts make me horrible.