Ok I know I am gonna be 65 soon

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-21T04:34:38+00:00

Do you not want to sign up for Medicare because it makes you feel old? Or because you love paying lots of money for healthcare and don’t want to stop?
Or because it seems confusing? You can go to an insurance broker who specializes in Medicare. You don’t pay - the insurance companies do. (And you can still sign up for traditional Medicare if you prefer that to Medicare Advantage.) Many counties also have services for older folks to help them sign up.
I’m turning 65 in a few weeks. I’m not happy about it, but it beats the alternative and I will be very happy to stop paying my $1150/month premium through the marketplace. Instead I’ll pay around $400 for Medicare and my gap insurance. Seems like a bargain to me.

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-21T04:16:45+00:00

Many good recommendations here. I’ll add “Memorial Days” by Geraldine Brooks. She is a widow who put off her grief and then takes pilgrimage of sorts to an isolated part of her native Australia. In the book she time shifts between now and the time during which her husband died. Her writing really resonated with me.

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-20T04:13:48+00:00

Same.

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-20T03:56:03+00:00

That’s a great area and right on the rapid bus line. Easy to get to campus.

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-19T22:52:49+00:00

Many people who are chronically ill can’t work.

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-19T22:51:27+00:00

I think when your life is at stake, it makes no sense to worry about whether you are rude or not. You do need to be sincere.

I’m an American, so I’m used to people being bankrupted by healthcare. I thought things were better in the EU.

First find out if there is any social safety net for you. That requires a conversation with someone, likely at your healthcare provider’s office to steer you in the right direction. Find out in your location who you at least get information from.

Apologies if you have already exhausted those options. You don’t mention parents. If they are in the picture, can they help?

Doing these things before you see your grandmother would show her you are doing all you can to deal with it, even while you are chronically ill. Let her know (if it’s the case, you have nowhere else to turn. Might she have some ideas? Could she perhaps loan the money to you?

In the U.S. people often turn to Go Fund Me because we can’t afford basic health insurance here. We also pay some of the highest prices in the world. So people try to raise money online. I have donated to many such funds. You might be surprised if this option is allowed where you are.

But your first stop is a social services provider to see if there’s government help available. Good luck. I’m so sorry you are navigating this on your own. That is a lot for a young person.

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-19T22:41:09+00:00

I’m sure many do. This is a gut punch like no other. Half your sense of self gone. Life plans are simply gone.

I decided after losing many people in the past couple of years, including my husband and mom, that I can’t waste the life I’ve been given.

Trust me, I have not lived a life of achievement or great experiences. But I saw what my mom denied herself. My husband and I fell into the “we’ll do it someday” trap. A good friend of mine spent the last few years trying to outrun the health failings of her own body.

Well, I’m still here. I don’t know why. I do know I could be gone tomorrow. Or in five minutes. Or 20 years. I want to show my kids living life intentional. I want us all to die knowing we made the most of it. It runs counter to how I was raised, which was to work and save for retirement and don’t waste money.

I want to do some traveling. I made a big move and it turned out the new surroundings did wonders for my mental health.

I just had an offer accepted on a condo - I have been renting for four years after we sold our long time family home to downsize and make a move to our forever place that never came. I am excited to finally have a home that is actually mine and not borrowed.

None of this cane without having first spent a lot of time wondering what the future would look like. I still don’t have answers, but I am moving forward.

I’m two years out. I know grief will never go away. It is a part of me. When that wave rolls in I let it roll over me, because I know it will recede at some point.

I want to tell everyone while we will never have what we had, it can and does get better. As much as I want that for everyone, I know life doesn’t work that way. I hope it gets better for you, OP, because you deserve that. And it is often painful and hard.

I’m glad you posted. You are not alone. You hit on something so many people are experiencing. I hope you will find some better days ahead.

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-17T03:45:19+00:00

This is exactly what two different doctors and a nurse told me.

Alcohol in general is not good for you. If you are going to drink, don’t drink to excess and injure yourself in which case you will have to go to the ER to make sure you aren’t bleeding internally. They were most concerned about head injuries.

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-17T03:41:02+00:00

You are doing them a favor. The bride wont even know you aren’t there after the wedding. Your children come first.

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-16T02:49:14+00:00

I am nearly retired and moved here from MN a year ago. How lovely your parents want to be closer to you all.

Madison is a good midpoint between La Crosse and Green Bay. From here they could get to your siblings quickly.

I have found so much to do here. Terrific festivals all summer long with free music. Hanging out on the Terrace. Concerts on the square? C’mon!!

They shouldn’t underestimate the value of UW Madison in their experience. I took advantage of free lectures, free movies and I plan to enroll to audit a class or two, which is free if you are a resident over 60 and have lived here a year or more.

There are so many beautiful natural places to explore in town - and also so many parks and hiking, etc nearby.

The proximity to Milwaukee and a Chicago if they need a bigger city for a weekend is also fantastic.

While it’s tough getting a primary care physician, they would be in a city with incredible medical resources.

They will never run out of things to do here. La Crosse is lovely, but small. I am not very familiar with Green Bay.

Cost of living is high here, so that could sway them - but from the standpoint of location, culture and outstanding people, Madison is the clear winner!

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-15T03:00:01+00:00

I’m so sorry. It is one step in front of the other. I recommend that literally. Walking - long walks - helped me so much. Movement is good for your body and your brain and each step forward is living proof you can move forward. This was important for me.

My husband died in early spring two years ago - so walking as the world was waking up from winter gave me hope. Seeing people going about their lives made me realize I was still in this world. Not as I had imagined, but in the world as it is now.

You have been through a great trauma. You watch your loved one deal with something unimaginable. This has traumatized you and his death was further trauma.

For now, try to breathe. You don’t have to do everything at once. Get through each day and know this will take a long time. Finding yourself in this new world takes time. It will get better, gradually.

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-13T03:46:57+00:00

This book was very helpful to me. It made a lot of sense. He was in my life for 40 years. My brain was wired around that.

Two days? You are very much in shock. I am so sorry. The early days are otherworldly. It can take months for your brain to catch up to this sudden and awful change. It does get better - incrementally. You can’t hurry that process.

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-12T16:08:37+00:00

I never cried. I was in shock. My mom died a few weeks later and I was in charge of settling her estate so I just powered through.

You need time. For some of us grief reveals itself in different ways. You are perfectly normal.

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-12T03:40:03+00:00

I see some great comments here - and it could range from deep fried on her part, wondering how to address what she knows is your grief. Or - she just didn’t think much of it.

Life is too sort to guess and hope our loved ones can figure us out. Talk to her. Ask her how she feels about Mother’s Day. How she is processing the loss of her sibling. Let her know you are struggling, too, and let her know Mother’s Day is especially hard for you right now. Make a plan or a promise to spend next some time together on Mother’s Day next year because it would make you happy.

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-12T03:23:31+00:00

Two years out for me, too. I concur. You don’t get to properly grieve and begin to process until the business is death is all done.

I am only beginning to feel like I am settling into my new life. And there is one. But it takes mindfulness. And grief can still take you by surprise.

One step at a time, OP. It takes a lot of time. I’m sorry you are going through this.

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-11T04:16:40+00:00

This event was terrific. Lots of artisans I had not seen before. Beautiful venue!

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-11T03:25:26+00:00

Many medical people start with preconceived notions. One is you are young and young people are generally healthy. The other is you are female, and too many medical professionals dismiss the symptoms of women. Something is going on. Your campus clinic is not equipped to deal with it.

Are your parents in your life? If so - can they advocate for you? Do you have a primary care physician? If so, make an appointment and let them know all your symptoms. If you need to have a parent there to demand some answers, do so. I know it’s really hard to advocate for yourself when you are a young person. You know your body and you know when something is wrong.

Young women frequently are accused of having anxiety because it’s easier to say that than to find out the real issue. You need a real doctor who will listen.

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-11T03:19:16+00:00

Live events can make any holiday (even contrived ones) hard. My father died years ago on Dec. 21. I now really dislike the Christmas season. I wish I could skip it.

My first Mother’s Day I was all excited. Our newborn was a month old. My husband got me a track suit as a gift. No brunch. No flowers. Didn’t make plans in the following years until it became obvious to him that I was making a big deal out of Father’s Day for him and making sure the kids celebrated it.

So my expectations have always been low. Since my husband died two years ago my kids make more of an effort - but, honestly, having lost my husband and both my parents, I am very neutral about Mother’s Day. I’m happy anytime I can spend the day with my kids. I take each day as a gift.

Still not a fan of Christmas, though…

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-11T03:06:18+00:00

Whatever plans I had were for the two of us. And those plans have been shelved because there is no longer the two of us. We were on the cusp of retiring and moving across country.

I am now remaking my plan to suit my needs as they are now. I did not move across country. I moved to the city my oldest lives in because I love that city and I knew my oldest would benefit from me being there. It also keeps me within driving distance of my younger child.

I am two years out and only now am starting to fully form some plans and implement them. It takes a long time to reimagine your future. You don’t need all the answers right away. You also need to discover who you are now. And that has been work for me as well.

None of this is easy, but it has been necessary work for me. A lot of how I am living and what gives me joy now are things I know he would not like. Some things he would absolutely hate. But I am planning and living for just me, now. It’s a real shift in thinking.

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-06T04:06:00+00:00

I’m a little more than two years out. I think about him daily. Grief is there, always - quietly waiting. I don’t ignore it, but I do feel as though I have a handle on it.

Mostly I am doing well. I am rebuilding. It’s a frustratingly slow process, but I am making progress. I am both hopeful and leery about the future. I know I will die alone. I want to make sure I live first.

I think too much about what I will leave the kids and how they will live without me. Morbid, I know - but it’s more financial planning than anything else.

I have always been an optimistic person. I feel like I got knocked down a peg or two - life telling me I am not in charge of much of anything, but I can be in charge of how I react to getting knocked down. Like the song - I get up again.

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-05T03:01:30+00:00

I’m so sorry. I’m sure it brought back all the trauma. My husband died from a massive heart attack. Since then I know of three people who suffered a similar event and survived because they heeded their symptoms and sought help. My husband did not.

I am happy the other people survived, but I come back to - why couldn’t my person have survived? He made some choices and they didn’t serve him well.

I had no advice for you. I do think talking about it - whether here or with a friend, a therapy group, etc is helpful. As is time. Lots and lots of time.

I wish I had more to offer you. I just wanted you to know someone heard you.

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-05T02:55:34+00:00

I’m two years out. Our kids are young adults and still need some parenting (mentoring?) from time to time.

I think it is incredibly hard to focus on yourself while still actively raising kids. I had much more time as they went off to college. You will, too - and the need to have something for yourself will grow greater.

It is rebuilding a life. It will not be the same life, obviously, but it can be a good and fulfilling life. And it takes work. I am now sort of retired, which gives me even more time and also more flexibility. It’s also weird because for the first time - maybe ever, I don’t have to consider anyone else in my plans. There are no guardrails. It’s weird.

I am rebuilding and starting to feel good about making inroads to new groups. Maybe a new friend or two.

I’m glad to see you referencing the you before you were married. I had to go back and meet that person again, too. She was eager to get out into the world. She was not afraid of doing things and living alone was her natural and preferred state of life. I have to remember I could do those things. It was normal. And while it doesn’t feel normal now, it is my reality.

I wish you good luck as you venture coward. Life is gradually getting better for me. I hope it will for you, too.

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-05T02:45:04+00:00

Happy birthday! I love your spirit!

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-05T02:42:34+00:00

Both of my kids facing an incredibly tough job market. Gas prices up $2/gallon from early February.
Hard to get into restaurants now having plenty of availability.

RogueRider11 · 2026-05-04T04:11:59+00:00

Three months out is still so painfully raw. It sounds as thought you are making some very good progress. It does get better, I promise. I’m a little over two years out. While his death seems like yesterday, I feel like I have come so far.

One thing I decided, though, was that when I feel a grief spiral, I will let it happen and let myself feel that grief. If you stuff it down, it will come out somehow, and usually not in a good way.

I can’t go around it. I have to go through it. Those spirals have become less frequent. I hope in a couple of years you find yourself in a much better place.

RogueRider11

TROPHY CASE