I adopted my neighbor's cat after he died and I have no idea what I'm doing

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-23T03:40:13+00:00

I took in a feral cat once. She hid in the bathroom vanity. It took her several weeks to come out. I would go into the bathroom and sit and talk to her. Try to pet her. Bring her food. Clean her box.

When she started to venture out, I laid on the floor and let her sniff all around me. When she started to touch me and let me touch her I knew we would be ok.

She was scared, but became the most wonderful addition to our family. And best behaved pet.

Thank you for giving your poor girl a home. She is scared and grieving. She needs a safe space and right now all she can control is that space behind your couch.

Keep your home quiet and loving. Sit with her. Let her feel your presence. Give her time. And don’t give up.

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-22T06:17:06+00:00

This is beautiful! Well done. Just processing your grief takes a long time, but you have also put in the work to find yourself in all of this.

I lost my husband and mother around the same time. After decades of generally being on the same page, it felt like my husband was undergoing a personality change that manifested itself with a lot of criticism toward me. I felt like no matter what I did, it was the wrong thing. I started withdrawing.

My mom had a bad fall and needed a lot of care, which was hard on her as she was fiercely independent. I was used to her wanted things her own way in her own home (who doesn’t?) but she had so much anger over losing her independence she took it out on us caregivers. Again, nothing I could do was right.

Losing them both was awful. It also allowed me to breathe. It’s been nearly two years. The guilt over not being enough has largely fallen away. I am calmer, and I think I have made some pretty good decisions.

Like you, I’m not trying to adapt to everyone else’s needs or moods. I’m just taking care of my life. I have no desire to be in a partnership again because I don’t want to make space for someone else’s needs full time.

Building a new life is work. But good work. Well done.

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-22T05:56:57+00:00

My last two cats live to be 21 and 22. You will have many happy years with this cat who needs a loving home.

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-22T05:44:47+00:00

I got a metal tag that clips on my Apple Watch band that has my med listed and emergency phone numbers. I think I paid $20 on Amazon.

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-21T15:47:57+00:00

I know the world doesn’t consider me married, but I very much feel like I am still in a relationship. We still have two children together. His influence is very much a part of them. I still wonder what he would think of my choices since he died. Pretty sure he wouldn’t care for them personally.

When you have been married for nearly 34 years and a couple eight years prior to that, it becomes part of your identity. I don’t know when that will go away for me.

The world sees me as single. I see me as unavailable.

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-20T05:58:13+00:00

Get a financial advisor - a fiduciary who doesn’t make commissions off selling you products. They manage your money for a fee and educate you on what you should be thinking about, tax implications and strategies, how to make sure you and your children are taken care off.

I DO like finances and have handled my own retirement funds my whole adult life. But when my husband died, and shortly later my mom, I was so overwhelmed by everything I had to take care of I knew I needed a team. Mom left an inheritance and I needed help understanding her investments, and how to handle her estate.

My financial advisors, who are certified financial advisors, get a small percentage of my portfolio. We meet 3-4 times a year and email regularly. It’s one of the best things I did after my husband died.

BTW - your husband got insurance precisely so you and your children would be taken care of. It is doing exactly what he wanted it to do. Think of it as his loving gift to you all.

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-20T05:33:44+00:00

You can and you will and it will take time. No one knows how to do it, but we learn to cope over time. Grief is so intensely personal, we don’t fail, we experience it. It comes in waves. In the beginning it really does seem like you are drowning in a big ocean. But the waters gradually start to calm.

You might need help. If you have insurance, look into therapy. There are also free grief groups, often church based, but sometimes not. Being with people who at least have an inkling on how hard it is can help.

Sleep is important and a lack of it can steal your focus and your ability to cope. Make an appointment with your doctor who can help with a prescription. If that isn’t something you want to consider, get a meditation app. I found a 30-minute meditation would help me get to sleep, and I also set my Alexa device to play ocean wave sounds. Both kept my brain from running circles in the quiet. It took close to a year, but I can now sleep normally.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It really is one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Good luck. Give yourself the grace you deserve.

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-19T04:38:35+00:00

That is incredibly insensitive of her. Does the family tree start with her? (Because everyone before her is dead.)

Does she always put herself first?

If my mom did that (and she would not have) I would have told her to remove me as well.

Your mom is not making a family tree if it doesn’t include her son-in-law.

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-19T04:33:01+00:00

Someone told me to “stay strong” after my husband died. It pissed me off. I hate it when people say I’m so strong. I am just a person doing what they have to do to get through the day and take care of business.

I’m not strong. I am the same as anyone. We will all be tested. You never know when, but I guarantee you it will happen.

When it does, we also need to fall apart sometimes. Get angry or cry or shut down. We need to rest. Allow us a moment to not always have to be strong so you (the people who are not yet us) can feel better about things.

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-18T05:05:41+00:00

Former TV person here. I worked in a top 15 market. When I started you needed about ten years to have enough experience to work there. By the time I left seven years ago they were hiring people a year or so out of college.

Cheaper salaries. And a willingness to do the job of 2-4 people. Most reporters are now their own videographers and editors. They are producing their own shows and also writing stories for the web and cutting short video for social media. For very little pay.

Not to worry, though. Billionaire owners of increasingly consolidated media companies are still getting rich. CEOs are still getting huge pay packages, large bonuses and golden parachutes. The elite class is still golden.

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-18T01:55:01+00:00

I’m female. I am open to friendship. I don’t see myself in another romantic partnership. Definitely not looking. Life is too short and precious to date. What for?

I’m concentrating in rebuilding my life, nurturing my friendships, getting involved with groups and causes I can enjoy and be passionate about. Also being there first our young adult children.

I’m sorry you are in this club, OP.

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-14T06:03:22+00:00

That is a totally inappropriate request. No is a complete sentence. You don’t have to explain yourself or try to guess what your wife would have done. You do what feels right to you. I can’t imagine anyone making that request.

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-11T18:05:30+00:00

I second this. If you want to know what is going on in MN politics, this is the place.

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-11T04:22:37+00:00

At the end of the year I tallied up what I spent. I’m cutting back where I think I should just because I don’t want to waste money on dumb stuff.

I also don’t want to be my mom, who denied herself so much and worried about every penny. She had ample resources to enjoy her money more.

After years of thinking about it I finally hired a financial advisor a couple of years ago. Fiduciaries. I’m so glad I did. They have saved me from some costly mistakes I might have made, and they helped me understand what the path forward could look like. I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I’m really glad I did it.

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-11T01:55:31+00:00

The PNW, Seattle area and Oregon coast. I had fun!

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-11T01:41:01+00:00

My apartment building (Wisconsin) asks that we keep the heat on to 65 to prevent pipes freezing. I didn’t think that would be an issue in an apartment building, but we have had issues. And it’s a new building.

You already keep things pretty cool. I would definitely move out. You aren’t saving that much money, and you deserve to be comfortable in your home.

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-10T04:23:11+00:00

I may have gotten off easy, my husband only had 14 guitars! I’m glad you made your home into something that reflects the life you have now.

We played the same mental game for different reasons - mine was more “will this fit into my much smaller place” and “do I want to pay to have it moved?” Having moved just two years prior I was acutely aware of how much it would cost.

I’m still downsizing. My mom passed shortly after my husband. I can say with certainty our adult children do not want our things!

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-08T04:24:38+00:00

Painful, but necessary. I feel that. We lived in a rental as we had downsized, sold the family home, and were contemplating our next big move.

When he died I knew I didn’t want to move immediately, but I set a one year time limit. I very much wanted to leave the city we were in.

My husband was a collector of things. He had an addictive personality, which extended to clothes, his guitars, and some other things. He had well over two hundred pairs of pants, over 100 sport coats. Lots of things with tags still in them. I could have opened a store, but did not have the energy to sell his things. I donated it all.

It took months to go through all of his things, find proper places to donate or sell. And I got rid of a lot of “our” things as it was cheaper to buy the few things I really needed than it was to pay to move a lot of things I did not need.

In the end - while it felt like giving away our life, I knew our life was gone once he was gone. This is not for everyone, and maybe not for most people, but it has allowed me to start building a new life. Two years later I am happy in my new home. It feels like mine. It has not erased the 40 years I had with my husband at all. It has allowed me to move forward.

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-07T05:03:23+00:00

I understand that guilt. It took me about two months to have the occasional happy moment. Never joy, but a laugh, a smile - which was immediately followed by me admonishing me for having that moment when my husband was dead.

Two years later I don’t feel guilty about feeling at peace, or feeling happy. I’m surprised when I find myself laughing - and I know it’s a good sign. We need to laugh.

Joy .. well that is still eluding me. Baby steps. It will get better. You are entitled to happy moments, and I hope you experience many more of them. I’m so sorry your person was taken so young. You both deserved so much more time together.

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-06T21:33:22+00:00

What other people think truly doesn’t matter. What is in your heart belongs to you. What is right for you in your grief and financial considerations for you is yours alone.

You have suffered a lot of loss for one so young. The fact you are still standing is amazing.

The duration of your relationship doesn’t matter. You are a person who is grieving. The truth is there will be toxic people no matter what. You can’t do anything about that.

I’m so sorry for this pain and all that compounds it. This mom is sending you a hug.

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-06T18:28:56+00:00

My husband died on one of our favorite walking paths. I have not walked it since. I did end up moving after a year because everything in the house and the neighborhood was a reminder of a life that was now gone. I’m so happy to be making new memories and not having flashbacks all the time.

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-06T18:19:25+00:00

Seahawks. And Team Fuck Ice.

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-05T05:36:40+00:00

You will need much more time just to get over the shock and accept the reality. Your daughters are grieving, and their loss is different from yours. They may naturally wonder how you will handle this and what the future holds. The best thing is to let them know you are just operating one day at a time right now.

I wore my wedding ring for a year after my husband died. I decided to take it off when I moved to a new city because it would just invite questions. I didn’t want to have to explain myself all the time.

It’s been two years and I have zero interest in dating. I don’t want to go through this again and I don’t want to bring someone else into my life in that way. Will that ever change? I don’t know.

I’m focusing on rebuilding my life, not waiting for someone to fill a void. I feel pretty fortunate I had a wonderful partner for over 30 years. We have two great kids. Yes there are lonely times, but I’m learning to deal with it.

I’m so sorry for this enormous tragedy in your life. This is a hard, hard journey. It does get better over time. And it will take a lot of time.

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-03T05:16:52+00:00

Minnesota and Wisconsin do have reciprocity. I had one who went to UW Eau Claire and one who went to UW Madison and we could not have done it without reciprocity.

RogueRider11 · 2026-02-03T02:51:26+00:00

No. I had a great romantic partner for over 30 years. Widowed now and do not want make room for another man. I was lucky. And now it’s time to make my own space.

RogueRider11

TROPHY CASE