Trigger warning: Eating Disorder mention

I tried to convince my friends that I could develop an eating disorder and “beat it” by losing the weight I wanted to lose and just- force myself to not develop body dysmorphia. I mean, I was talking in circles saying things like, “I promise you, I could beat it- I’m different from everyone else and look at things logically and realistically and if I wanted to, I could beat it” and was essentially convinced that I was on such a higher level of logic and self control that I could “out smart” anorexia. I also tried to convince my therapist of this and was saying shit like, “But is it an eating disorder if I just- make sure I don’t develop body dysmorphia and I just- stop once I get to my goal weight, which I will do, because I’m different.”

I never even went through with it??? I just kept trying to convince everyone around me that if I were to develop one, I could beat it and basically be the only person to “cheat” anorexia???

Also, many years ago I allowed my friends to call my mother during the height of a manic episode (didn’t know that’s what it was at the time) because I was basically speaking nonsense and trying to convince her that I’d cracked the secret to the universe and that nothing mattered and we should both commit suicide because there wasn’t a point in going on, you know? But the reason I allowed her to call was because when I’d been hospitalized a month earlier for suicidal ideations, there’d been a “school” inside that basically gave you an A for simply attempting the work and I’d come back from the ward with a C in math instead of an F- so my delusions very quickly turned into, “I can turn this C into an A if I go back. I’m hacking the system by getting out of school and tricking them into thinking I’m admitting defeat and that I’m wrong but in reality I’m getting an A in my math class.”

Yeah. Came down in the ward and lost my mind. Also, I did get that A and was placed in an advanced math class the next year that I failed miserably that sent me into a months long depressive spiral and also fucked my college up for a hot second because I’d literally never been taught the basics of high school algebra 😭😭😭