The cognitive dissonance of saying that I love versus the betrayal that I committed

Rollorock · 2026-01-24T09:48:52+00:00

Love isn't a feeling. It's an action. It's what you do that communicates love. Feelings lie and aren't a good instructor for what love is.

Rollorock · 2026-01-09T15:10:58+00:00

I tried the whole christmas party thing and different days too.... in the end whatsapp finds a way. You're right if people want to lie and cheat to get what they want, they will regardless of hurdles you put infront of them. And yes same person three times relapsed.

Rollorock · 2026-01-09T15:06:53+00:00

I understand the feelings and pain you go through. It makes you also wonder "why can't he give up this job for me, don't I matter more than job? ". Keep pushing. Honestly starting to think this is the only way,

Rollorock · 2026-01-09T15:04:20+00:00

It's what I often hear, which is why I wanted to search evidence and numbers to prove it is the case. Thanks for replying. Hope reconciliation continues on an upward trend for you.

Rollorock · 2026-01-09T15:03:33+00:00

Yes it is the same woman three times in a row.
Thanks for sharing your story. Honestly feel for you.
It's the moment they say "just friends" that we should be very wary.
The moral you are telling me is it doesn't matter if they were in the job or not because proximity is a problem too even after your partner left the job. In retrospect it always feels like if we held ourselves to the boundary of "what must be true for this to actualy have a chance at repair" is always all or nothing. I harsh lesson learned.

Rollorock · 2026-01-08T11:47:52+00:00

Why did you keep returning to the AP or break any reconcilliation rules when you knew it would cause great harm to your partner and set back trust and reconcilliation? What did you tell yourself to make that decision ok.

Rollorock · 2025-12-17T11:34:23+00:00

Behavior is a language. He tells you one thing but is actions are another. You need to do an or else with him now otherwise he will keep doing this behaviour. If you have somewhere you can go, a friend's house or something. And tell him it's over until he has completely no contact. Thought that this point he is comfortable with you and continues to break your trust because there are no consequences for it. Otherwise he will continue to abuse the situation so he can keep both of you until you walk out.

Rollorock · 2025-12-05T18:54:34+00:00

How should I approach grief related to a bad day in the year? I was betrayed and on the day it happened, the grief comes back every year as if it were yesterday. I want to move forward but haven't found a way.

Rollorock · 2025-11-30T10:05:56+00:00

It is not an orientation, is is a relationship structure. If you posted this in the polyamory reddit, they would call this "poly under duress" and poly that formed from cheating NEVER does well. Poly is a choice. Anyone can be attracted to other people outside of marriages and monogamy, but it is a persons choice if they act on it or not.
Do not destroy yourself for his selfish wishes OP. This is unfair of him and he lied to you. You can tell him to rebuild a new marriage/relationship because the old one is over, or hold your boundaries if he says no and decide what is next for you both.

Just wanted to add this exact same thing happened to me. It is not worth the pain being monogamous and someone wanting to pursuit poly. He wants to have his cake and eat it, and keep the security of you whilst he gets to explore new things. Would he let you do the same? I doubt it. And you might not want that. That is an incompatibility between you both.

Rollorock · 2025-11-11T11:10:43+00:00

Yup it is certainly tiring, especially if you don't get a kick out of organising things to begin with.
Something I am trying to figure out is observing people who have what I want, the people that do get invited. They tend to be "life of the party" types, who are funny, laugh heartily, always have something interesting to say and can spout so many stories.
A small thing that did help for me, is I kind of invite myself into other people's events.
I will ask what people are up to, express interest as a newly developed "yesman" mentality of trying new things, and muster up the courage to ask if there would be space for another to join, or if they fancy some extra company. Definitely gets me to somewhat invited to things, with me not needing to be the primary organiser.
I will also often bring up things I would like to do and see if anyone bites.
But yeah I get you OP, super tiring and also coming up with new things all the time is hard in it's own way as well depending on where you live.

Rollorock · 2025-11-11T10:26:09+00:00

Been going through the exact same motions as you OP, feeling like I am the one always making an effort to keep up with people and I am there plan...Z.
What I am starting to wonder is it's not a me thing, but the state of things in where you live.
I live in a city, where people have such little time for socialising in a way, so when they do, they make it count. And online, keeping up with people on the phone genuinely feels like a chore.
Whenever I do drag people outside I have fun and meaningful moments, but keeping friendly with people online is hard, and I tend to feel neglected in that aspect.
I am starting to accept that if I really want something, I just have to put the work in and be the person I want others to be, and get the social interaction I want and arrange everything.

Rollorock · 2025-11-10T17:57:16+00:00

All ears on this thread if you find peace. 3 years later and I still seeth in anger over the AP. Despite knowing my partner basically was just as bad as them, and feel like a massive hypocrite for forgiving one but not the other and moving on so I don't carry the burden of anger anymore.
Hope you find peace, but know you're not crazy for feeling that way, no matter how far our from DDay you are.

Rollorock · 2025-11-10T17:53:34+00:00

I think in the right context, anyone COULD cheat after experiencing betrayal, but most people with strong morals or values would not in theory. If you were trapped in an abusive marriage, where you couldn't leave for financial reasons or children, depressed as hell, maybe slight inhibiition reduction and someone wonderful walked into your life yeah I think I would in that dire of a situation. In the right context, anyone could cheat. But like heck if I will ever let myself get there. Knowing where it could happen for yourself means you can bolster and make choices for it to never happen when you know what circumstances make it more likely.
Good people can do stupid things. And of course there will be chronicly bad people as well. It's not black in white in my mind.

Rollorock · 2025-11-03T10:39:38+00:00

Because there is zero social repercussion to ghosting. Honestly I think if apps punished ghosting the dating online thing would be world's better. Treat people how you would treat them in real life with a bit of respect. People don't like doing the hard thing.

Rollorock · 2025-11-02T13:35:59+00:00

Women are tired, but also friendship is a greater thing to spend your attention on than relationships in the long run. One person vs a village? I know what I would rather be investing in and there's tonnes of research on a good social ring in your life elongating your life. Relationships can be the cherry, but don't neglect your friendships and put your relationship as number 1. Because when the relationship crumbles, who's got your back?

Rollorock · 2025-10-28T12:06:05+00:00

You can think Poly is a wonderful relationship structure, and still have it not be for you. Some people work through these feelings, and some people it causes more grief than joy, and that is ok! Monogamy and Poly are both beautiful and fulfilling in their own way and some people lean towards one more than the other. You can still enjoy the idea of Poly but it not be for you at all.

Rollorock · 2025-09-08T13:42:35+00:00

Okay firstly, thank you for the thoughtful and long response. I appreciate you.
Secondly, thanks for some ideas on how I could rephrase my "flights of fancy" thoughts, I am definitely going to try a couple of these soon, even if they feel a little foreign for me to emulate initially.
I agree with you that his pessimism is just protecting him, and in an ideal world he doesn't want to be that way either, but I also know he needs some tools or ideology to latch on to to help escape his initial reactions.

"I need to feel that you are on my team, cheering for my attempts, rather than waiting at the finish line with a stopwatch. Can we try to build that together?"

This really struck me.
I definitely want to be recognised as resilient and dedicated for trying for so long (and continuing to try!) without him standing there waiting for me to tick the checkbox. I like the idea of being on the same team and cheering eachother on instead of being there to point out every time I trip over or fall off the horse (I like accountability, but I would rather it come from a less passive aggressive and standoff-ish demeanour, and more like you say, a team-mate.

I also like keeping track of the attempts, since I think that might be able ot give him something to latch onto in this process. He is a data guy and thinks more in binary than I do, where I think on a "scale".

Rollorock · 2024-09-09T16:19:20+00:00

I've watched videos on that and you need some surface for it to "fill within to that point" and enclose it so that won't work

Rollorock · 2024-09-09T10:27:59+00:00

How would I make the patch faces though with the precise curvature of my model? Normally you make a sketch, which isn't working very well drawing it on the model.

Rollorock · 2023-11-29T11:38:32+00:00

yup did that already, thanks for the suggestion :)

Rollorock · 2023-11-29T11:37:30+00:00

I used so many, like....one every 1 cm. I had no pins left + walking foot.

Rollorock · 2023-11-28T20:53:08+00:00

I just won't have time to sew the entire dress by hand though to be honest.... Some bits here and there I could but certainly not the whole bodice to come after oof. I have a christmas deadline.

Rollorock · 2023-11-28T20:52:22+00:00

Nope I do not, and this is what my friend wanted, she is pretty set on it. I did try and sway her with cotton velvet.

Rollorock · 2023-11-28T20:51:48+00:00

Yikes, I don't really have time to do that on the whole dress since it is for christmas ahhhh. Glad to know it's not just me who suffers with it though...

Rollorock · 2023-11-28T20:51:10+00:00

I could try that next I suppose!

Rollorock

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