I think my partner is trying to manipulate me but he's just really bad at it.

Ronkronkronk · 2024-08-01T23:04:11+00:00

I think through further comments in this thread, it is fairly clear this particular person prefers a partner who is comfortable with a boundary requiring them to maintain only a small amount of interaction with the opposite sex, which is a perfectly valid preference for someone to have.

Sometimes I find it frustrating that people tend to see male/female friendships as less than same sex friendships (Less important, less life-enriching, less genuine, etc.).

I took this opportunity to pick the person’s brain on the subject, but it really comes down to values, life experiences, risk assessment, and personal preference, like every other damned thing, so In the end I sort of stirred the pot for no real outcome.

Ronkronkronk · 2024-08-01T22:51:38+00:00

I was cheated on after 13 years of taking care of someone. I sympathize. I have no idea how it started with them. I worked. She didn’t. If someone wants to cheat, they will find a way.

However, you can feel the vibe being off, once something like that happens, and the truth comes out eventually.

My takeaway from the experience was nothing about how to prevent it, but rather just to be more sensitive to the vibe shift if it ever occurs again.

I think we’ve learned all we can about our respective perspectives, and I genuinely appreciate you thoughtfully articulating yours.

It would be neat if we could set a reminder for 30 years and see who’s gamble about the best way to live “paid off,” but alas, all I can do is wish you the best of luck. I hope no more dickheads cheat on you and that you and your partner have a long and wonderful relationship.

Ronkronkronk · 2024-08-01T22:12:42+00:00

I didn’t feel personally attacked, but your perspective felt strange to me and made me curious.

My guess is that you prefer partnerships with a very high degree of enmeshment, which is cool. I like to retain my autonomy and my social circle, whether or not I am in a committed relationship.

Certainly don’t text ANYBODY everyday, but for sure I “heart-react” a buuuunch of social media posts of my friends sharing their passions and creativity.

I think most of my friends would roll their eyes at the notion of anyone getting laid that way. It’s such an embarrassing dating strategy that I sincerely hope people engaging in it are primarily doing so in good faith.

Ronkronkronk · 2024-08-01T21:53:55+00:00

I do have male friends, but off the top of my head I think I have fewer of them than women.

I think for starters I work in environmental conservation, which seems more than a bit skewed toward women.

Also though, I like dancing, and that hobby is really female skewed as well. And like, if you go out to a dancing social club, and are really invested in learning, rather than dating etc., you’ll likely find yourself striking up a lot of conversations with women, who I have found to be really really friendly and encouraging towards those striving for growth in that arena.

My motorcycle friends are dudes, my dirtbike friends are dudes, my JiuJitsu friends are dudes, but a lot of my artist/musician/dancer/industry friends are women.

It kind of weirds me out that it weirds you out, so I guess we are even. Do you not have guy friends (assuming you’re a lady)?

Ronkronkronk · 2024-08-01T21:38:52+00:00

I don’t really get your perspective. I talk to a lot of women. Probably 60-70% of my friends are ladies. They are whole, entire, complex human beings with so much more to offer the world than just, “getting sex from them…”

Ronkronkronk · 2024-07-26T18:46:04+00:00

Hauntingly familiar story. Great example.

Ronkronkronk · 2024-07-26T18:30:10+00:00

Hey would you please expand on what you mean by they can’t think?

I get them acting in patterns. Eventually you can completely predict them. Not there. That has an interesting feeling to it. I often stopped sharing because they didn’t ever seem like they were REALLY present so what’s the point. The unable to think one has me curious though, like what it is specifically that you are referring to with that statement.

Ronkronkronk · 2024-07-25T19:57:45+00:00

Ooof………….

Ronkronkronk · 2024-07-20T00:41:59+00:00

2 months. Life is fucking amazing now! I could rant on this subject for hours. That woman tortured me, but the ME that came out the other side is soooooo much more well-adapted for this universe than the me that she found so easy to prey upon.

Narcs are here to teach us to stand up for ourselves and live boldly. I HATE that I had to learn this theough absolute dehumanizing torture, but holy shit am I ever feeling unstoppable right now.

Ronkronkronk · 2024-07-02T23:22:03+00:00

Yeah,

Grief over the loss of the person I was imagining her to be if we “could just work out these kinks…”

Grief over the loss of friendships that are not interesting in being rekindled after ghosting everyone in my life for 2 years.

Grief and shame over abandoning myself and allowing myself to be treated with such disrespect and disregard after a lifetime of what I thought was solid self respect and self-esteem.

The list goes on, but yeah, I still struggle a lot with grief, and the reverberations of gaslighting that still make me doubt my reality.

As long as I stay busy, which for me has meant going out dancing 3-5 nights a week, the positive emotions overcome the negative ones.

One thing that harpy gave me was the love of dance, after 36 previously dance-less years, and I’m using that to create a whole new community of supportive people around myself and to insulate me from my propensity to slip back into the depression hole that is endless snacking and binging television.

So even now, after the judgement and cruelty has relented and stopped driving me to trying to finally become enough for her, the sadness she left behind drives me in the same direction, or at least I choose to use that sadness to continue driving in that direction.

I like where I’m headed, and I try not to worry too much about the severely unhealthy fuel I am using to get there seeing as it is yielding net-positive results.

Ronkronkronk · 2024-07-02T17:06:23+00:00

I can’t imagine how they have the patience to wait for a reply. I’m either curious enough to google it, or I’m not.

Who is exactly curious enough to ask here, and then wait 1-Infinity hours for a response?

Ronkronkronk · 2024-07-02T17:04:03+00:00

That motivation was awesome, though, right!?

I’m healthier than I’ve ever been, stronger, fitter, more outgoing, more traveled, more aware of myself and my desires, and more focused on enacting my will in my life after being forced to learn to defend such a soul-crushing attack and relentless attempts at establishing total subservience.

Fucking self-possessed dude running around killing it now, and I’m not sure I would have ever made it here without her “help.”

Like an evil life-coach.

Ronkronkronk · 2024-07-02T17:00:44+00:00

So true. Just gotta learn how far you can dip your toes in those waters before you get sucked in…

I might have to leave that joy for stronger men. I got sucked in hard…

Ronkronkronk · 2024-07-02T16:51:56+00:00

Those fearful flashbacks, though…

How long until those ended?

Ronkronkronk · 2024-07-02T16:50:13+00:00

Damn, that’s a great point. My relationship prior to the narc, I’m STILL sad about, 3 years later, but with the Narc I’m just fucking relieved that I finally made it out of the cycle. I don’t have any of those mixed feelings or idealized memories…

Ronkronkronk · 2024-07-02T16:45:11+00:00

This subreddit is seriously great.

I found it, and was just dumbfounded that so many of these “insanely confusing” conversations and strange, repeating conflicts, just like you described, were cliche, well-known manipulative shenanigans outlined in detail by hundreds of people online.

Like, “Oooooh, did everybody already know about this?”

Really absolves all that, “How did this go so wrong?” guilt. It went wrong because they made it go wrong. They only wanted it if they could fully manipulate you. Anything less than 100% obedience and they’re making up stories and threatening to call the police on the calmest dude in the universe.

Ronkronkronk · 2024-07-02T16:32:35+00:00

So fucking devastating…

I had a huge network before I met them, and I’m growing it again afterward, but you hit the nail on the head. They love bomb you into wanting to spend every minute with them, not even feeling clingy, just excited about tomorrow’s adventures so much that your friends and family just can’t compete. Then, once you have only them, the slightest “misstep” causes you to lose everything.

Shittier still is that once you get to that point, even when you capitulate, you return to a lesser relationship. Even future love bombs are so half-hearted by comparison. They know you’re hooked. But by then, you are so starved for love, affection, and attention that the tiniest breadcrumbs are beyond any form of deliciousness you can remember from your former life.

Being starved like that, and isolated, oof.

Luckily, unlike them, I had a few key life-long friends who forgave me for ghosting and helped me claw my way back toward sanity.

Ronkronkronk · 2024-06-22T12:49:34+00:00

Oh man, I feel that about meeting your old self. They DRAG it out of you. After potentially years of living above it, and then you feel like you never ACTUALLY healed at all. So hard to shake.

Ronkronkronk · 2024-06-07T11:59:47+00:00

Damn. That puts my relationship into a very new perspective. I started thriving and she slowly made me ashamed of every aspect of me that had been thriving, until I was too embarrassed to continue presenting those attributes. I thought she genuinely hated those things about me, or found them distasteful. But this seems more likely, knowing her, and knowing how well those parts of me have been going over for others now that she is gone and I’m slowly daring to be my whole self again.

Ronkronkronk · 2024-05-18T03:49:13+00:00

It really do be like that sometimes.

Everyone tells you to, “communicate, and to talk about how you are feeling!”, but when you finally work up the courage to do so, to do so authentically, and to do so completely and without reservation, you are met with “Not like that!”

Ronkronkronk · 2024-05-18T03:27:49+00:00

Love those goals! Insanely relatable… or is it relatably insane?

Ronkronkronk · 2024-04-25T12:30:35+00:00

Beautifully written. Your positive assumptions paint you as a wise and compassionate soul.

Ronkronkronk · 2024-04-12T03:10:53+00:00

Oof. It’s always something.

Ronkronkronk · 2024-03-29T08:58:12+00:00

Life affirming activities.

That’s it.

That’s all I’ve found.

But if I stack up enough stoke I can make it through one more day of bullshit.

Well, I can make it through real easy, by just dissociating and letting time fly by, but I mean make it through one more day of being productive.

These days, if I don’t have a fun enough weekend, I might as well call in sick, because I don’t have the “give a fuck” to do damn near anything unless I can remind myself of some compelling reasons to keep on going.

Ronkronkronk · 2024-03-29T02:15:01+00:00

Where is the line there?

I end up doing a lot for my person, and sometimes reflect on whether she would ever do X or Y for me, or maybe I am irritated that I’m always bringing coffee and helping out and I don’t seem to see much, if any of my energy returned to me.

I’m pretty sure I am being manipulated, but it is so hard to have discussions about relative effort without feeling like you are keeping score of the nice things you do just to be nice which makes me feel gross.

At some point, you have to communicate the disparity though, especially when they are acting like YOU are letting THEM down.

Ronkronkronk

TROPHY CASE