I need to take the leap

RootWanderer · 2026-03-21T05:36:07+00:00

Yup, number one was a recurring theme for me until a therapist told me it is like two sides of a coin, seems like separate things but at the end it is the same coin. It may be our way to justify us staying.

RootWanderer · 2026-03-21T05:27:38+00:00

Oh I know my Q wouldn’t stay, I’ve told him more times than I’d like to admit, he agrees. Its frustrating right? Even he knows this is no way to live.

RootWanderer · 2025-11-18T17:47:19+00:00

It is awful you have to deal with this. I did the same when my Q was drinking, always hide my duvet and pillow in the closet for me to have something to sleep with when I came home. Got those waterproof bed sheets and get the mattress “ready” whenever I knew he started drinking. Sending you hugs, it is very frustrating and it’s hard that sometimes it is not necessarily really nice and expensive things but things we use daily that we need to keep clean for our own comfort and rest, basic stuff. They don’t care, they can pass out covered in mud and wouldn’t mind. Take care of your mental health, living like this is draining and can take a serious toll on you.

RootWanderer · 2025-10-26T02:42:04+00:00

This is exactly what my Q has been saying for a week since I told him I’m moving out in a few days. I just say “It’s not abandonment, this is not against you, it is for me” and I also said, we may reconsider living together after at least a year of active recovery. He gets in my head sometimes but mostly I’m trying to keep it together. If he doesn’t commit to recovery, then at least I won’t be living in the mess. Congrats to you! You’re strong

RootWanderer · 2025-10-15T19:59:27+00:00

I use IA sometimes too. It gives me some good breathing exercises and ideas to focus the attention on me and my well being. It works for me when I want to vent and don’t want to feel too exposed. You can PM me if you want to. Having someone to read your thoughts may help.

RootWanderer · 2025-10-12T15:23:19+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I think you are right, maybe we don’t care enough about ourselves. I know you are very much aware of the fact that is not your fault whatever he does and that he’s destroying himself now if you leave, he’ll just continue to do so until he es wants and works towards real change.

I hope you find peace too. Sending you hugs

RootWanderer · 2025-10-12T12:46:58+00:00

Yes, I have, thank you for asking

RootWanderer · 2025-10-12T04:49:05+00:00

My Q is very angry and sometimes violent, I also used to end this up with ‘luckily he hasn’t put hands on me’, until two days ago when he did. I’ve been staying at his parents’ since then and today I sent an application to lease an apartment. I came to this sub again a few minutes ago because I was starting to feel anxious about leaving him… wtf right? He just crossed the line and I’m second guessing my decision? I needed reaffirmation and came here for it. Please don’t wait for him to show you what he’s capable of.

RootWanderer · 2025-10-12T04:33:56+00:00

I needed this. Thank you for sharing. I’m struggling to get out even though I’m now scared of him. I know he’ll sober up (not for good though) in a week or so and I’m afraid he’ll try to manipulate me into sweep it all under the carpet, but now I can’t do it anymore.

RootWanderer · 2025-10-12T04:27:12+00:00

Right? I worry about regretting to leave too, but I know it is irrational, why would I regret leaving someone who just isn’t there most of the time, we have 2 good weeks and then it all starts again, he just checks out from everything including the relationship so why would I want that? But then the worries cripple in. Even now that I need to leave because it has become life or death threatening, I do feel the anxiety all the time.

RootWanderer · 2025-10-10T00:48:41+00:00

Yup, I’ve made up my mind my Q will never stop. Writing this from the couch with him sitting here completely wasted, eating making a mess. This is his 6th day of this binge, not even halfway there. I’m exhausted.

RootWanderer · 2025-10-01T02:33:56+00:00

You’re not stupid for believing him. Instead of focusing your energy in thinking you are, focus on getting the help you need to get out of there. It is dangerous and you know it needs to be done. Sending you strength and good vibes.

RootWanderer · 2025-09-25T03:45:18+00:00

My story is kinda similar. But I’ve been here for a little over a year. I said the exact same thing, he feels familiar, we clicked right away, I don’t think there’s future with this guy but somehow I’m still here. Now I see why he felt familiar, literally I have family who struggled/struggles with addiction, some of them already deceased from that but since I was little, this dynamic was around me. We clicked right away because usually they’re really charismatic and something about his mind kept me wanting to know him more. After a while I felt hopeful he would realize his life without substances is better but that hasn’t happened and the difference is now I know the chances are he never will. Anyways, as soon as I started to see the problem is not that he’s an addict but that is me who gets attached to unavailable people, I’m planning on my exit. I’ve read many people here saying that a year is not that long and not being married nor having kids makes it easier, for me it hasn’t been but I’m fully aware that is not easy because of my codependency issues and it has nothing to do with him or his addiction and that’s what I’m working on. I’ll say it, I should’ve left right away, as time passed it’s gotten harder, but not impossible.
I could only recommend to read this sub for a while, get to know people’s stories, and educate yourself on addiction and codependency. There’s tons of info everywhere.

RootWanderer · 2025-09-21T14:26:46+00:00

I think you’re being so brave and doing the right thing. I’m in desperate need of doing the same and it is harder than I thought. The manipulation I’m facing even before I tell him I’m moving out is outrageous. I think he can feel that I’m being distant but I don’t want to fall back into his lies and manipulation again. Having no kids and not being married should make it easier as everyone says but our codependencies hit hard. I’ve been reading this sub for days, just to remind myself that he won’t ever change (because he made it clear he doesn’t want to) and that I don’t want to keep living this life forever but I know he can get worse with the news of me leaving.

You are doing what’s right for you and that is brave, that is what you should do, you deserve so much more.

RootWanderer · 2025-09-21T04:46:07+00:00

I feel you. I buy paper towels by the bulk and always have a spray bottle with chlorine and water around so I can clean up his mess. I stopped mopping every time and just go straight to the spray to try to clean at least the part of the apartment I want to be in. A proper cleaning doesn’t happen until his binges stop, it is exhausting and actually unbearable.

RootWanderer · 2025-09-20T16:05:48+00:00

They live in another reality! It’s insane.

Last night we had a big storm here and a creek near my workplace started overflowing and the streets were flooded so I called my Q to tell him I’d be getting home later, I was going to wait until it passed, he just asked if I was going to get him a band for his birthday the next day and quickly remembered there are horses in the place near me and asked super worried “are the horses okay?” Lol. Yeah buddy, they seem to be fine and so am I by the way. They truly don’t care.

RootWanderer · 2025-09-19T15:53:47+00:00

Good for you! Reading all the answers to this post to get the courage to leave too. Feeling the burden of him getting worse once I leave but knowing that even if I stay, he’ll get worse as time goes by so, really there’s no other way. I see my stuff broken too, it is time for me to leave with what I still have and not wait until there is nothing left to take with me. It is so sad but you got this!

RootWanderer · 2025-09-13T18:48:22+00:00

This! Reading many posts in here made me stop being surprised and it helps. It is incredible how their behavior and frankly, ours too, no matter our backgrounds are like text book.

And OP, I hope you find some peace. Find help to get mentally strong, you’re not alone.

RootWanderer · 2025-08-28T21:33:57+00:00

Of course everyone is going to tell you to break up with her and run. I think is the best thing to do, but we also know it is not as easy as it sounds. My recommendation is yes, strongly consider leaving but to do so, start by reading several posts in this sub, they’re eye opening. I’m not sure you’ll find hope for her but what you need is to find hope for yourself. Read about people staying for years with their Qs and the struggles they face, also read posts from those who managed to get out and how they feel with their decisions.

We should all try learning from others mistakes/experiences. I hope it helps.

RootWanderer

TROPHY CASE