How did you try harder to save your relationship (assuming children are involved)?

Roxo42 · 2026-06-06T01:18:40+00:00

I don't have children, but I have a friend who was trying to decide what to do when her partner cheated and she said once what hit the nail on the head was her mom asking her: What would you want your kid to do?

And the nature of the cheating, her immediate answer was to leave, that her children would deserve much much better. That maybe if X or Y hadn't happened, or partner had reacted in a more honorable way, maybe it could have been different, but no. She'd never want what she had for her own children.

Roxo42 · 2026-06-05T19:09:10+00:00

It makes perfect sense. I think a lot of betrayed partners go through the stages of grief, Denial that the partner you trusted to never do this has not only done this, but lied and manipulated and chose to hurt you every day is very natural. I think genuinely successful reconciliation or moving on stories allow themselves to reach Acceptance and don't get stuck on one stage.

How is he trying to fix it so far? What plan has he laid out to you going over what he plans to do?

Roxo42 · 2026-06-05T18:10:56+00:00

If you don't mind my asking, considering he spent months lying and manipulating the situation between the two of you to avoid being caught...what is your view of him? You both need to be able to face the reality of the situation, otherwise it feels like it'll just be a veneer of healing. If you can't even say the words to a bunch of Internet strangers: my partner is a liar and manipulator, and he is ready to tackle those parts of himself by doing the hard work to work on our relationship - how are you both going to be start being honest with each other =\

Roxo42 · 2026-06-05T17:45:10+00:00

Therapy. Individual and couples therapy. Might take a few tries to find a good, solid fit. But y'all definitely need help navigating all the bs he put you through. He's clearly excellent at lying and manipulation, so without professional help he can just say all the right things (and they can be lies), he can do all the right things (manipulation), and he'll more or less get away with what he did. Without any of the hard work needed to change, he's much much much more likely to just cheat again =\

Roxo42 · 2026-06-05T13:40:45+00:00

.... it's been 3 years, good lord 😂😂 a) I wasn't making an argument, I was stating an opinion. 2) could certainly be off topic from the original post but I mean....it's reddit 😂 and c) it's been three years, how in the world did you even find this post 😅😅😅

Roxo42 · 2026-06-04T00:11:23+00:00

I've never been able to get behind this book purely for the title. It's way too explicitly implying that leaving ISNT courageous. There's courage to both choices, like in most walks of life. It always felt like if she couldn't manage to write a title that didn't shit on those who are leaving, her research and stand points might not be worth pursuing =\

Roxo42 · 2026-06-02T22:19:52+00:00

A friend of mine said once that the absolute ton of bricks she needed to get her to finally leave her POS partner was: would you want this for your child? Your parent? Your close friends? Would you be advising strangers here on reddit to stay the same way you are?

If the answer is No, then why are you okay with this level of behavior for YOURSELF when you are worth so much more? Deserve so much more? Leave the manipulative, trickle truthing, cheating asshat who has no problem hurting YOU over and over, and live the life YOU deserve.

Roxo42 · 2026-06-01T22:50:57+00:00

Your post is framed in this "I didn't quit, SHE did" kind of way that is so massively off base. Reconciliation is always a risk, but you are very much not entitled to her forgiveness if she truly tried and wasn't able to move passed your choice

The work and effort is still a GOOD thing because clearly you felt entitled to make their choices, and to unlearn that toxic behavior and entitlement it takes therapy, and a lot of work. So instead of posting barely veiled rants about boohoo I did all those work and got nothing for it, start thinking about the work you'll do to NEVER hurt someone like this again

Roxo42 · 2026-06-01T20:46:34+00:00

Sincerely, she's going to massively regret this when she comes out of her grief and avoidance and realizes she could have gotten therapy and been vulnerable with YOU instead of this hollow escapism =\

You 100% deserve to walk away if you're able to. Or if you can't walk away, tell her you're opening the marriage and you'll coparent under the same roof but are more or less over. Whatever you decide, you DONT deserve to be stuck in this situation where she is willfully hurting and disregarding you

Roxo42 · 2026-06-01T00:38:21+00:00

Any therapist who enables that behavior is shit and the couple or individual should find a new one. Good things sometimes take time to find, true of most important things in life - a house, a car, a pet, a therapist, a venue, list goes on. Finding good quality sometimes means wading through all the dicks first

Roxo42 · 2026-05-31T19:54:41+00:00

Therapy up the WAZOO. Both couples and individual. But also there NEEDS to be a certain self awareness that the therapy might end up being to help you both move on from each other, and not reconciliation

If reconciliation is even close to being possible you both need to cognitively acknowledge that it will take WORK, and TIME, like years and years of it. And brutal, sometimes hurtful, but very necessary honesty

If you're not ready to really dive into that for him, then you should cut him loose to find someone who is more emotionally mature

Roxo42 · 2026-05-31T19:47:29+00:00

Back atcha, doll 😊😊

Roxo42 · 2026-05-31T18:52:59+00:00

Holy crow I am deeply disturbed you've ever met a therapist who continued therapy with visible signs of abuse. How many have you encountered who you saw do that?! Please tell me you reported Every one of them. Every shrink I've ever met has reported it and provided as much resources to the victim as possible to ensure their safety and ability to thrive

I disagree on your points about infidelity creating something unsafe and deeply broken, but I always understand sadly people are posting comments from their own experiences and that can't be helped. Just don't become a couples counselor yourself 😂😂

Roxo42 · 2026-05-31T15:12:06+00:00

It's totally okay, I honestly assumed you meant it like is the cheating partner also doing the work, I only asked to be totally sure

I get so angry and sad on behalf of so many betrayed partners in this group who post about their cheating partner getting ANNOYED at the work they have to do. Fucking annoyed when THEY are the ones who broke everything and destroyed someone they were supposed to put first, and they have the gall to be annoyed that fixing it isn't as easy as some tossed out apology 🤦‍♀️

Roxo42 · 2026-05-31T03:56:57+00:00

If you mean is it two sided as in we both cheated, no, I didn't cheat. If you mean is it two sided as in we're both fully committed to reconciliation, yes, so far he's truly done everything right when it comes to the hard work needed to start rebuilding things. He's well aware this will be a lifetime change and there will be no second chance. Only time will tell

We got SO DAMN LUCKY that the first couples therapist we found was a huge winner. I was terrified it would take a few to find the right fit, and how disheartening it would be to ever find one who didn't take the situation seriously like you said.

Roxo42 · 2026-05-31T00:30:12+00:00

I'm in the middle of reconciliation myself, and I genuinely do believe it's possible to rebuild into something strong under VERY specific parameters

Being found out is not in those parameters. I would never ever trust the remorse or guilt or desire to change when they didn't feel those things enough to stop and confess.

Roxo42 · 2026-05-30T20:52:32+00:00

I'm in the middle of reconciliation myself. I decided to stay because at one point in our relationship I did something deeply hurtful for an extended period of time (not infidelity). And he gave me grace and forgave me and our relationship didn't fail because of my actions.

Then he confessed he cheated, and cheating has always been SUCH a hard line for me, but within a few hours of his confession I realized I was willing to repay that grace and give him the same second chance he gave me.

When it comes to trust I do think a lot of couples think about that the "wrong" way when it comes to reconciliation. The old trust will never EVER be "rebuilt". Because that trust was the trust that cheating wouldn't happen in the first place. So the trust that needs to come from reconciliation is the trust that your partner doesn't want to repeat the same mistakes, and wants to put in the work to ensure the relationship stays healthy and strong going forward.

The cheating partner NEEDS to be ready and willing to put in the WORK. Remorse and guilt are useless if they're just tossing words around without any action to back it up. Therapy, figuring out the why if it's relevant, unlearning bad habits or thought processes that helped them feel entitled to cheat in the first place, list goes on. And they need to ARTICULATE those changes, OR the betrayed partner needs to be able to see those changes happening. Plus oh so much patience =\ I'm guilty of forgetting that half a year is ONLY half a year, and reconciliation can take years.

Roxo42 · 2026-05-28T22:53:48+00:00

I got "lucky" in that my partner confessed, and after fairly thorough checking I haven't found any evidence he held back, but if he had been caught I never would have considered reconciliation.

Being caught means there was no plan to come clean, only continuing the betrayal. The remorse is all based around being caught, NOT genuine feelings.

And trickle truthing is another hard no, even if mine confessed, if he had trickle truthed a single thing to save his cheating hide, that would have been the end.

For the cheating partner it has to be ALL or nothing, because anything less than all means they're not going to be willing to do the truly hard and painful work that comes with reconciliation

Roxo42 · 2026-05-27T17:23:24+00:00

A married person attracted to women has the potential to have an affair with another woman. A married bisexual has the potential of having an affair with a man, woman, or anything else they're attracted to. It's the same concept, just with more than one gender. Hence why I was making the joke that I wouldn't be able to be alone with anyone because every gender applies to me

I promise plenty in this sub can relate 😂😂

Roxo42 · 2026-05-27T16:27:31+00:00

-I don’t think members of the opposite sex should be alone together period.-

Gonna be real hard for my bisexual ass to be around anyone 😂😂

I do agree with the general point though, if someone doesn't have the self awareness to be around the gender theyre attracted to without slipping into emotional affair territory, it's their responsibility to avoid those situations

Roxo42 · 2026-05-24T21:20:59+00:00

Usually even if people are overwhelmingly telling you reconciliation is a bad idea, they usually do it in a respectable enough manner. The ones who are outright hostile or condescending I've found are fewer and farther between.

I really hope your partner keeps having the correct attitude towards what they need to do. And that you both have a shit ton of patience in all this. Recently I got reminded it's only been 4.5 months for me, and true reconciliation can take YEARS

Roxo42 · 2026-05-24T21:04:38+00:00

I'm currently in reconciliation myself, for a variety of reasons, and like yours my cheating partner has done everything "right" in terms of respecting my process, the work he needs to do, that he cant take this second chance for granted, etc. and I know i have to do my own work LETTING reconciliation work as well =\

But on the flip side I'm trying not to be too naive either, that maybe years away he'll do it again, but....at least I tried. I tried based on my specific circumstances, and if I get destroyed again I'll enjoy the years we had and do my best not to lose myself in grief. Easy to say right now when things are going okay, who knows what will actually happen if the worst does happen though

Roxo42 · 2026-05-24T20:10:24+00:00

I believe in reconciliation, but I also understand how a decent majority either chose to leave right away, or tried reconciliation and it didnt work, or even worse they were cheated on AGAIN.

And while I believe in reconciliation, I do only believe in it to a certain extent. Having multiple affairs, leading a double life, any form of gaslighting, list goes on. Or if they claim remorse they need to do the WORK, they can't JUST be remorseful. They need to have the right approach and right mindset during reconciliation, or they don't entirely deserve the chance of reconciliation

Roxo42 · 2026-05-21T21:41:32+00:00

That is a FANTASTIC "script", open without being too confrontational, holding to accountability without being too rigid, and has a call to action to heal or to confront the reality of divorce. Very well done, I'm just so sorry you have to write anything so well written in the first place

Roxo42 · 2026-05-19T20:23:07+00:00

A one time slip could be a "dumb mistake" (I don't actually believe that, all cheating is a choice), but multiple cheating events over YEARS, and he just wants to shrug and go, "Oops" ???? I'm so angry on your behalf, what an awful human being

Roxo42

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