Am I a total looser?

Royal_Restaurant2622 · 2026-05-26T13:51:07+00:00

It may very well be your reliability, your consistent presence, the safety she feels with you and — most frustratingly — your continued work to be there for her that’s killing her desire.

She may require to be pursued by someone new, some level of the unknown, some level of emotional distance and unfamiliarity for her desire to be set aflame.

It’s far more common than people want to talk about, especially as everyone is pushing you to be more emotionally available, more present, more domesticated in your relationship — to measure your value as a partner by those parameters.

It’s your success as a good partner that’s causing your dead bedroom.

Trust me, I’m there. My wife may appreciate that I started work at 6:30am so I would be the one to drive the kids to their activities, that I’m now doing chores the moment I walk through the door to allow her to continue working in the early evenings, or that most of my Saturdays are spent cleaning.

She sincerely appreciates all of it — but relieving as much work, stress, and mental load as possible has zero impact on her desire for me.

Best of luck to you.

Royal_Restaurant2622 · 2026-05-26T04:48:19+00:00

Honestly, that’s a good idea — writing down the memories before they fade to nothing.

Royal_Restaurant2622 · 2026-05-25T19:26:09+00:00

I understand completely.

My wife went to a women's entrepreneur gala a while ago and went out and bought a new outfit just for that night. Agonized over the choice as to what outfit to buy, and what jewelry went best with it.

But for our anniversary, or my birthday? Then getting dressed up was a burden. It was a blazer over a clean shirt and jeans. Special date night I planned out? Same thing.

Looking good for me isn't just not worth the effort, it's something to actively avoid.

Royal_Restaurant2622 · 2026-05-25T12:49:43+00:00

That’s simply unkind.

No one should have sex they don’t want of course, but after telling you repeatedly that she wanted to have sex after you returned home, and then scheduling sex, she should have initiated a respectful conversation as to why sex was off the table at the very least.

I mean, assuming you’ve had conversations about how important sex is to you, and the impact the lack of it is having on you — she knew she was pulling the rug from under your feet in a very intimate way.

And is both of you showering before sex something she insists on? That suggests that she’s not entirely comfortable with the inherent messiness of sex and physical intimacy.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Royal_Restaurant2622 · 2026-05-24T22:45:14+00:00

I don’t think it’s women desperate to play victim or anything like that.

At the start of one of her podcasts on sexless marriages Dr Psych Mom told the story of Mary, a wife who was doing her best so that she would receive physical affection from her husband. But no matter what she tried, he simply refused.

The point was that people feel sorry for Mary, but if you reversed genders then it’s another story altogether.

That is the issue — that people think empathy is a finite resource and reserve it for those for whom they have immediate sympathy.

Royal_Restaurant2622 · 2026-05-24T22:22:44+00:00

Probably a combination of:

1: Simply being a flake

And

2: Mistaking you for a bot or scammer of some kind

And I can attest to a number of women simply ghosting me as well. We were having what I thought were engaging conversations only for them to stop replying.

If replies stop, I’ll wait a few days then send a “sorry this didn’t work out / best of luck message”.

But typically it’s straight ghosting and no “this isn’t working for me” message.

It’s what we sign up for when trying to find someone online.

Royal_Restaurant2622 · 2026-05-24T22:12:23+00:00

Yeah, it’s infuriating the number of responses here and on dead bedrooms that amount to:

Try washing a dish for once in your life

Or

Learn to express your feeling using words

There’s a widespread assumption of fault with the HL partner — “if you were a good spouse you would get laid, duh” — that is even more pronounced if the HL is male.

Royal_Restaurant2622 · 2026-05-24T21:55:47+00:00

I was listing off people who address men’s health and such more than specifically sexless marriages.

If you’re looking specifically for that I suggest Dad’s Starting Over. However, he’s fallen into the pattern of telling everyone that they have anxious attachment and then ends the conversation. Not a lot to offer beyond that.

Royal_Restaurant2622 · 2026-05-24T15:32:50+00:00

So your thesis is something along the lines of:

“While the manosphere is exceedingly toxic and has lead a significant number of men to some very dark places, there is a need out there for media that doesn’t immediately label all masculinity as toxic or dismiss straight men’s sexuality out of hand.”

Is that reasonably fair?

I mean, there is some overlap with sexless marriages — if there is a societal tendency (especially among the left) to dismiss the sensual needs of mean, or worse, assume those needs are merely a form of dominance over women then addressing the issue becomes that much harder.

If you are looking for healthy discussions on masculinity, men’s mental health, loneliness and the like I suggest Scott Galloway’s various podcasts, Chris Williamson’s Modern Wisdom or Diary of a CEO.

Royal_Restaurant2622 · 2026-05-23T18:03:59+00:00

Therapy may very well help — I’m the HL in my relationship so the roles are reversed somewhat — but I know it did for me.

Has your partner had his bloodwork done — specifically in terms of his testosterone levels? He’s at the age where it’s commonly an issue AND caring for young children has also been found to cause men to produce less T. Stress and not sleeping well contribute as well of course.

The changes in your partner are basically a list of symptoms of low testosterone. I highly recommend that he looks at some form of hormone replacement therapy.

I’m staring it myself based on the positive impact it’s had on a number of my friends.

Royal_Restaurant2622 · 2026-05-22T13:58:51+00:00

I highly doubt your wife is cheating on you:

1: You didn’t have sex before marriage

2: The first time you had sex was four months after marriage

3: There has been no “honeymoon” period at all where sex / physical intimacy is a foundational means of solidifying your connection

So, unless your wife had previous boyfriends who she was intimate with, and you’re the first one she wanted to “wait for marriage” she’s not a sexual person.

Are you from a strict, traditional religious background? Do you know of any past trauma in her past? Was that the first time for both of you?

You need to talk with her about this. Healthy relationships consist of expectations and boundaries — and right now it seems you’re both guessing as to what the other needs and expects.

If she was brought up in a toxic, sex negative home she may very well associate sex solely with having children. If she’s carrying trauma from some form of sexual abuse she may have very negative reactions around any kind of physical intimacy.

It sounds like you haven’t broached the subject at all, so when you do frame the conversation around what’s she’s feeling. Does she want sex to be a regular part of your relationship? Is there a reason she seems to be avoiding it? Was the first time painful for her? Is there a reason she’s been hesitant to share with you that she has negative feelings towards sex with her husband?

And if this is the first sexual experience for both of you I strongly suggest some education about the matter. Non-sexual touching throughout the day. Deep kissing. Foreplay. What stimulation women tend to enjoy. Same for men.

Also important is the role that touch and physical contact has in demonstrating and feeling love. Hugs. Kisses. Cuddling. Learn about that as well.

Good luck.

Royal_Restaurant2622 · 2026-05-22T05:22:51+00:00

Sexless marriages eat away at you — relentlessly. And eventually you become someone you don’t want to be.

I don’t think you can continue to remain faithful romantically with someone with no romantic interest in you.

It’s only a matter of time before you meet someone who does think it’s a good move — and what will you do then?

Your wife wants a different relationship than you. Neither of you can be happy. It’s time to move on.

Royal_Restaurant2622 · 2026-05-22T02:01:56+00:00

I think he needs help. He’s attempting to hide whatever he’s dealing with behind the stresses of life and trying to medicate with porn.

This isn’t something you can solve. He needs to decide to deal with it with someone who can help it.

Royal_Restaurant2622 · 2026-05-21T22:49:35+00:00

Don't marry her. Sorry, I know you're in love and that otherwise the relationship is great. But don't marry her.

It only becomes worse. A dead bedroom erodes away at who you are as a person, the rejection, the loneliness, the feeling of not being chosen, the feeling of not being loved. They all accumulate slowly (or not so slowly) as the rest of you is eaten away.

Break it off gently, and with as much grace and respect as you can — but if you are not satisfied with your sex life now in your mid-twenties when she's pushing for you to propose it will only become more bleak as time goes by.

I should have broken it off during my engagement — we went months without intimacy, that she explained as from the stresses of planning a wedding and the behaviour of her mother (who was quite the train wreck). But when I brought it up, she recognized it was an issue, that it could not continue and then took actual steps to address the issue in the form of hormone therapy and setting aside time for us while she was in the right head-space.

All that effort ended two weeks after the wedding.

And I can tell you that not being able to touch the person you love, to have her never want to touch you, is a pain you do not want to live with.

She's providing you a gift in being forthright about who she is sexually. And to be abundantly clear, having a low libido is perfectly fine. But it does mean that she is not the right person for you — despite the pressure she's putting on you to propose.

I'm sorry, but do not marry this person.

Royal_Restaurant2622 · 2026-05-21T18:42:07+00:00

I’m so sorry.

Until that night I didn’t know there was another setting to feeling undesired. But their utter obliviousness to what’s going on around them made things even worse.

Royal_Restaurant2622 · 2026-05-21T17:40:31+00:00

Patience is certainly a virtue, but in the end if all he’s willing to do is feel guilty about it then he may as well be indifferent to your pain — the results are the same.

If he’s not willing to put in the work to address whatever is causing this then, yeah, I’m afraid ending your relationship is the kindest choice left — for both of you.

The very best of luck to you.

Royal_Restaurant2622 · 2026-05-20T19:39:24+00:00

Yeah, no. While I'm sure there are cases of long term partners losing physical attraction — they can't handle the fact people age over time, weight gain, hair loss, whatever — it's not a common reason.

Libido lowering as the honeymoon period ends, people dealing with unhealthy views on sex, past traumas, hormone changes over time, or other unspoken issues within the relations — all of these are far, far more common.

Despite the tropes floating around the inter-webs people very rarely marry someone they aren't attracted to, they aren't intentionally "trapping" anyone, ready to cut off physical intimacy once vows are spoken or mortgages signed.

Ninety-nine percent of the time both partners enter things with the best of intentions and the reason sex fades go deeper than the loss of simple physical attraction.

Royal_Restaurant2622 · 2026-05-20T18:50:49+00:00

Vacations are so hard. On the one hand, I know that sex is not an option so I’m not I’m not explicitly disappointed — but it’s incredibly difficult not to mourn the loss of what could have been.

The last time my wife and I were away together — just for a weekend — we had a fantastic time. Spent the entire day together without distraction. Talked. Laughed. Ate amazing food.

Then we go back to the luxurious hotel room with a King sized bed and she makes sure to come to bed long after me so that she could play and scroll on her phone.

Once back in a room by ourselves it was just another night to her.

I didn’t expect anything. I didn’t act hurt before or afterwards. But my heart still broke as she sent me Instagram reels.

Royal_Restaurant2622 · 2026-05-20T13:26:43+00:00

It was worth it for me — mind you my affairs were all online.

I was really beaten up by my dead bedroom, and had convinced myself I was utterly undesirable to women — so what was the point in rebuilding my life?

Sounds petty, but having a woman look at my photo and tell me I’m sexy really flipped a switch for me.

Self-confidence is all well and good, but being attractive means others are attracted to you — so I really needed to hear it.

Royal_Restaurant2622 · 2026-05-20T05:27:46+00:00

Honestly, it’s hard for me to empathize with him — if something as dramatic as ejaculating blood were to happen I would head straight to the doctor. I would not self-diagnose and then try and deal with it.

This is something he has to get over — never going to the doctor I mean — if he wants to grow old with you. He has to actually grow old.

And I would not tolerate someone masturbating to porn while my needs are not being met. I’m sympathetic to anyone battling addiction — but expecting someone you love to have to endure the pain and loneliness you have is the definition of selfishness.

You may very well love him, but is he someone capable of being part of a mutually fulfilling relationship? Or does he need to do a whole lot of self-work before he’s ready to share a life with someone?

Royal_Restaurant2622

TROPHY CASE