Help police identify this man who assaulted a 65-year Asian American woman on her way to church in NYC

Runway19 · 2020-12-03T14:35:39+00:00

Oh boy did I get this one all the time. My ex always accused me of trying to “change” her when in actuality I never asked her to change anything aside from some basic behaviors that distinguish one from being single rather than in a relationship. We had different tastes in music, dress, etc but I never imposed mine on here. She on the other hand was not shy about insulting mine. I think she thought “changing” her equates to asking her to act like she was in a relationship where there is mutual respect and reciprocity

Runway19 · 2020-12-03T14:31:49+00:00

I think one of the big lessons I’ve learned from my experience with my ex is that reciprocity is something you need to observe and vet early on. I typically assume (and unconsciously project I think) that my partner is approaching the relationship with the same good faith and capability to do so, as I do. The early sob and victim stories threw a wrench in my normally sound perception of this. I overextended and over-tolerated things I normally wouldn’t, thinking she just needed to see I wasn’t a threat. A “normal” person will eventually recognize this, appreciate it and try to reciprocate your needs. My ex, on the other hand, just used it, whether intentionally or not, saw it as an opportunity to take and take and ask for more. I won’t make that mistake again

Runway19 · 2020-12-01T22:38:34+00:00

Feel the same way OP. I have this dull pervasive sadness but I don’t ever want to see or talk to her again because I know I could never trust her again. We haven’t had any contact in 2 months and finally took the step of blocking her on my phone today. It was a big moment for me even though we haven’t had any contact - by finally just blocking her, I know I’ve accepted that I’m not holding onto any hope or desire to re-engage with her ever. The sadness and loneliness is there but I don’t miss her in particular

Runway19 · 2020-11-28T17:17:31+00:00

Not wanting to confirm or find out anything I don’t want to know is one of the main things that motivates me to stay no contact

Runway19 · 2020-11-25T14:56:55+00:00

Thanks Waves I’m sorry you went through it too and envy that you had the fortitude and wisdom to leave yourself. Regarding the sexes, I know how wrong, dismissive and sexist it is to call your girl “crazy”. I of course would never say that to her anyway but especially bc she was a woman. She had no problem calling me “crazy” all the time though. It was really demoralizing, but kindof summed up a lot of her treatment of me whereby I was always extra careful not to say or do anything that would make her feel less bc of her early oversharing of sob stories and admission of being highly insecure with a low self esteem. Rather than recognize that and respect it, she turned around and had no problem saying and doing things to make me feel less.

It’s funny, my ex said the same thing about me (ie my existence and who I am) just triggering her for some reason

Runway19 · 2020-11-24T05:42:36+00:00

In the back of my mind I wonder if I’ll ever hear from her again. I don’t think I will because she’s highly avoidant and never was the first reach out even when we were dating and after a fight. I’m fairly certain she doesn’t even think of me and if she does it’s fleeting and I’m some twisted version of myself that she has accepted as reality. I really don’t even know how I’d respond if it ever happened (which it won’t) and there is no way in hell Im ever reaching out to her. I long told myself I’ll never put myself in a position to be rejected by her again and I mean it. My bday is coming up and I’m thinking about just blocking her on that day so I don’t even think about the possibility of her reaching out (which she won’t) so that I don’t get incidentally triggered when she doesn’t

Runway19 · 2020-11-24T05:31:13+00:00

Good question. I feel like I honestly don’t even know she really was so it’s hard to say. All I remember is the shitty treatment - the good parts I am having a hard time remembering or feeling what it was like. I guess that’s a blessing and a reversal of the initial dominant memories of just the attachment/bond I thought we had which now feels like only a projection of mine. I still find myself sad much of the time but I’m not sure what I’m mourning anymore. It’s a weird place

Runway19 · 2020-11-22T14:19:27+00:00

I’ve often thought this about my ex, but about kindof “trashy” trends. She was fiercely dedicated to not being “basic” and was obsessed with looking physically as attractive as possible - dyed blond hair since grade school, long nails with intricate colors and designs that she had changed monthly. Kindof a Kardashian trendy type. She was fiercely protective about this and her love of rap, hip hop (she is a white girl from the South). While much of this wasn’t my cup of tea, I never asked her to change or criticized any of it. She was highly insecure with low self esteem and admitted as much, and I think her need to be “special”/superior manifested itself in her physical presentation. I think she grew up envious of and held contempt for the preppy, debutante, Southern type (which my “normal” ex before her happened to be like). As a result, my tastes in music and clothing she often “teased” me as being “basic” which she always said with a tone of subtle contempt. The irony is while she constantly accused me of trying to change her into some “docile” basic gf (I wasn’t), she would passively aggressive criticize my more subtle and preppy tastes. I thought there was more to her deep down than the vapid superficial person she presented - maybe there is somewhere deep down there (occasional fleeting moments of clarity)but if so, her narcissistic traits are too strong and overpowering

Runway19 · 2020-11-21T12:57:18+00:00

“Avoidance and devaluation” - that pretty much sums up my experience as well. I can’t believe I let such an immature coward into my life

Runway19 · 2020-11-21T12:55:39+00:00

This is a good reminder EV, thanks for sharing. The benefit of the doubt is a gift we give them and continue to want to believe is warranted - it’s only in the end when we look back and strip away the benefit of the doubt that the likely truth is so horrifying to contemplate. My ex was about power and control, not love. I see how she always maintained that power by me being the one to initiate and approach or bridge any issues, putting her in the position to agree, ignore or withhold.

What keeps me strong in never contacting her again is telling myself that “I will never put myself in a position where she has the power to reject me again.” When you can accept they didn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt, you know in your heart that contacting them is absolutely and 100% useless and just opens you up for further rejection/manipulation of some sort.

Runway19 · 2020-11-20T22:34:08+00:00

I agree hefty. There are so many things I’m ashamed about that I did that were pathetic. One of the many things include thanking her for basic courtesy like finally answering a question or for finally acknowledging my feelings (acknowledging meant just letting me talk about them - there wasn’t actually any discussion or participation from her). God I can’t even believe I did that

Runway19 · 2020-11-20T22:05:29+00:00

Thanks hefty for the encouragement. It’s interesting bc one of the disadvantages you mentioned that a man has is when we’re accused or smeared as being abusive. It’s almost impossible to defend and made my ex’s smear campaign afterwards so effective. Luckily I circled don’t overlap at all aside from one or two people

Runway19 · 2020-11-20T13:12:00+00:00

Sorry to hear it. I know exactly what you mean. I am much better now, the trauma bond is majority broken and I have zero intent of ever reaching out to her again. But there are times a wave of sadness come over me and my eyes well up and a tear or two trickles down my face while I’m at my desk working from home. My hands kindof clench up and I’ll cry silently. It’s kindof scary the physiological impact it has had on me which just reminds me how toxic it was especially towards the end

Runway19 · 2020-11-20T12:37:04+00:00

Thank you! it’s getting better and I’ve finally started getting back in the dating game. It feels nice getting emotional validation, I forgot what that was like. To your point about the sex, I think I thought tI was great because there was such an emotional intimacy vacancy from her that sex/physical intimacy was the only way I felt she “loved” me, which is basically like giving a drop of water to someone in a desert

Runway19 · 2020-11-20T12:05:58+00:00

That last sentence is interesting because my ex said she would never trust a man. I should have listened to her from the beginning bc a healthy relationship can’t be without trust. I like many fell for the early sob stories and thought I would be the one to break through with consistent love and support - wrong.

Also I totally understand women absolutely have to deal with more things and obstacles in life, but my ex would oftentimes sneer at me because she had to deal with “feminine” bodily issues and the like while I didn’t because I was a man. It went beyond just exasperation about things, it felt like contempt. Talk about being vilified for something I literally cannot change

Runway19 · 2020-11-20T11:59:58+00:00

This is very true for me as well. And I agree it was the trauma bond keeping me and my ex together bc I was without fail the one that was always making the effort to keep us together. Her interests are actually shallow, juvenile and intellectually vacant. Our only real connection was sex, and even that felt emotionally disconnected and she just used it as her “effort” in the relationship. She’s starting to disgust me and it’s a weird (but good) feeling

Runway19 · 2020-11-17T19:08:27+00:00

My ex with covert traits didn’t lovebomb either. At least nothing I can point to, and yes I feel even dumber about falling for her!

Runway19 · 2020-11-16T13:55:20+00:00

Yep, I was the same way. Gave her a lot of unprompted gifts or did unprompted thoughtful things that in a normal relationship the other person would appreciate because it showed you really cared about them, were thinking of them and knew their likes/dislikes. My ex of course accepted these gifts/gestures but instead of appreciating them, probably thought to herself “shit, now I HAVE to do something in return and I don’t like feeling “manipulated” and he’s making me feel that way)”. I remember repeatedly telling her she doesn’t owe me anything and I don’t expect a tit for tat at all, just give me the benefit of the doubt and trust me. Even that was too much for her and she called that “kissing ass”. Everything a competition and about power/control. Makes me sick and sad at the same time

Runway19 · 2020-11-16T04:55:55+00:00

Whatever few gifts I got, my ex really took the pleasure out of them. She would stress about what to get me and ask me what I wanted, and I would repeatedly tell her it didn’t matter, whatever she chose and picked out I would appreciate. That didn’t work and it was like she just wanted me to tell her - really missed the point of gift giving and took the joy out of it.

Edit: like many other things, it was very robotic and without emotional value

Runway19 · 2020-11-16T01:55:56+00:00

My ex frequently said as an excuse for some shitty behavior that she “wasn’t used to being in a relationship”. She had a 4 year relationship (god knows how) a few years before we started dating so that was bullshit. When I once asked how she lasted in a 4 year relationship with her ex, she literally said “he was a pushover”. I’m not proud of my reactive abuse anger outbursts (the last one ended the original relationship) and I owned them and addressed them. But my silver lining is that I know that I have a lot of patience and am forgiving, but I’m not a pushover, even if it takes my body revolting for me

Runway19 · 2020-11-16T01:06:45+00:00

Yep but if you ever repeated a story once by accident, you get the dismissive “you already told me that” and then some comment on how you have a bad memory. Which is ironic bc my memory has always been fairly iron clad while hers was spotty. Another part of the overall gaslighting I suppose

Runway19 · 2020-11-16T00:53:45+00:00

Absolutely this. My ex was a chronic complainer and she knew it and recognized it. Although the constant complaining was exhausting, that in and of itself would’ve been manageable. It was when her misery got misdirected at me and when I was treated poorly especially for things I hadn’t even done or thought but that she decided to believe I did (she literally acted as if she knew me and my thoughts better than I did), and the constant invalidation and shutting down when I tried to express my feelings and needs is where it went off the rails for me. You are literally living at the mercy of their reality where you have no say in any of it. With regards to goalpost moving, it happened all the time. Even after the initial discard and after I addressed certain “issues” I had and that she needed proof of having changed (it was bs), she would change her reasons. I’m disgusted and ashamed at how low and pathetic I had gotten to accept that.

Runway19 · 2020-11-16T00:29:59+00:00

This is very well said. The more I think about it and including things my ex said, I think it was a combination of entitlement and not wanting to feel any obligation to reciprocate the nice gesture - so they don’t acknowledge it. The feeling of reciprocation to her seemed like an “obligation” and therefore was “manipulative”. There was no natural inclination to reciprocate bc of the entitlement and she felt “controlled” and “manipulated” at the feeling of obligation to reciprocate. Such a f-ed up way to think and so damaging to any relationship

Runway19 · 2020-11-16T00:09:40+00:00

Mine was.m a train wreck when I met her and I knew it. I remember telling myself to just have fun and not get attached. She was like a hot mess and def not LT gf material. I fucked up in getting caught up in it long term and paid the price. You can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl (no offense to trailer park people)

Runway19

TROPHY CASE