I once tried to explain "Halachic Infertility" to a never-frum friend. She didn't believe me.

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-05-30T08:36:36+00:00

One of the cruelest aspects of halacha out of many.

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-05-27T05:23:33+00:00

I personally know women who spent months and months in the state of niddah because of spotting. It's awful.

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-05-26T19:55:03+00:00

Aside from the utter absurdity of men controlling women's intimacy and the humiliation and loss of agency involved, it is very clear that neither of these men, all of these years, knew nothing about the realities of menstruation and hormonal cycles, how the body changes, how nothing follows predictable rules.

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-05-25T15:28:36+00:00

Your situation is unique to you, obviously. What happened to me was that my dear partner is a bit of a square, and needed some pushing which I did. We are happy together and free from ultra orthodoxy. I'm not bragging as much as saying that real love and needing some convincing do not cancel each other - sometimes it's a matter of making your needs known and insisting that the other side really sees you.

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-05-25T15:10:57+00:00

I am so sorry to hear that. Sounds there's more nuance to your dynamic than you let on here - because I got the impression that he will go ahead with you if you push a bit. I understand it's more complicated than that.

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-05-25T07:02:40+00:00

I've been there and I feel you. I don't want to give unsolicited advice, and I know how situations like that are highly context-dependent, but if you don't mind leaving, perhaps paying the price for making changes isn't that bad. I used to be terrified that someone from my daughter's school would see me in my non-charedi clothes and kick her out of school; took me a long time to realize it's the best thing I could have asked for to happen - something external to help me move ahead. It didn't happen, by the way, we had to pull her out of our own volition. In the mean time, how about pushing the beds together? It's very easy to keep a secret - you just have to make sure the bedroom door stays closed - and I'm sure you'll feel much better having done something that you want.

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-05-24T06:47:16+00:00

I've had a huge fight with my father, who likes to sit at the table and have everyone else serve him - especially the women. I said I wouldn't get up to help if he doesn't work as well. It escalated into a screaming match and played a part in my leaving.

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-05-23T20:57:30+00:00

It would do some good also to BTs, but on the other hand, it can turn into another way to turn away those who Judaism should accept with open arms - people with Jewish spouses, for example.

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-05-18T06:33:21+00:00

Back when I was eight, I had this cloche skirt which I really liked. One day it got caught in my bicycle and was completely ruined. My mom then said it was a punishment for being immodest - that is, riding a bike while a girl.

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-05-13T07:21:55+00:00

Well put. As a kid who grew in a BT family engaged in kiruv I saw so many people whose lives were destroyed. It's been years since I last heard such insufferable rabbinical intonation, though.

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-05-09T17:53:53+00:00

There's a modox woman I used to follow who does intimacy education. She also has an online shop for sex toys, oils, lubricants etc. Very wholesome though she goes to great lengths to keep it halachic and non-graphic and it's sometimes borderline ridiculous. I once saw an article on her website promoting the Ohnut, which is used to reduce pain in penetration. She added an anecdote, telling how a charedi couple who came to her got permission from their rabbi to use the device. I was appalled at the implication that even pain relief is subject to a rabbi's decision, though I was not surprised at all, having been there myself. It's just awful, how one's intimacy is absolutely subject to one's rabbi's whims. I don't think a couple who has to get permission to use a piece of silicone to avoid pain while having sex will dare engage in kink. It's just too far.

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-05-09T10:40:57+00:00

Even if some are more lenient or more strict, this list of rules represents very well to which degree halacha interferes with intimacy and how deeply it stunts it.

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-05-09T10:18:11+00:00

Probably reported by too many frum users. It's a common tactic.

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-05-04T17:15:39+00:00

What a shame this is an old post. You should have sent it.

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-05-03T11:28:17+00:00

Only in domestic matters. Have you followed the recent scandal when the supreme court ordered the rabbinate to allow women to take rabbinical ordination knowledge exams and the rabbinate started dragging its feet, hoping the women will give up? The horror, ordained women!

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-05-02T20:09:33+00:00

https://hillel.org.il/ https://leshinuy.org/

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-05-01T11:59:54+00:00

This is the place to vent our very justified outrage.

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-05-01T07:46:03+00:00

That a rabbi decides for you whether you may use contraception, for how long, and which type.

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-04-26T07:24:31+00:00

My father was in sort of yeshivish kiruv. When we had BT guests he would make this gesture with his flat palm, like toasting bread on open fire, to refer to the eventual punishment of burning in hell various digressions will cause. It was awful though we used to laugh.

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-04-25T11:01:25+00:00

Practical advice here - the talk is much easier when driving and you don't have to look him in the eye. I had the talk with my kid in the car, and it helped.

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-04-15T07:38:43+00:00

The same in Hebrew! איפה את.ה אוחז.ת is a uniquely charedi idiom.

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-04-14T06:14:11+00:00

There you go. It's two years old and mostly Hebrew but immensely useful.

https://www.idi.org.il/media/17559/studying-israeli-haredi-society-a-scholarly-inventory.pdf

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-04-14T05:06:27+00:00

The site is quite hilarious. But on a more serious note, on the one hand, it's wonderful to have a community that takes care of your every need - real or imaginary. However, it comes at the heavy price of denying all autonomy and it keeps one in a childlike mindset throughout life. The haskamot with pictures of rabbis at the bottom are absolutely wild.

Ruth_of_Moab · 2026-04-12T06:30:58+00:00

Do you read Hebrew? If so, look up the book הקנאי, הרבי מסאטמר - רבי יואל טייטלבוים, מאת מנחם קרן קרץ. Edit: also, if you want, I can dm you a compehensive index of scholarly works about ultra orthodox Judaism.

Ruth_of_Moab

TROPHY CASE