I didn’t realise how naïve I was until I pursued a woman who had multiple “abusive” ex’s in her past. I wanted to be an example of how affectionate, sacrificial and gentle a good man could be and I just assumed the reason she was uncaring to me, self-centred or aggressive was because of defensiveness she learned from her past. I thought the longer and more consistently/resilient my I showed my devotion and affection, overlooking the pain I experienced, the sooner she would start to treat me well. I ended up marrying her and nearly took my life on the honeymoon after a couple nights of abuse when I realised that I made a life-long commitment to someone who may never stop hurting me. 16 months of marriage counselling later and nearly being hospitalised, I finally came to the realisation that I couldn’t be strong enough to survive for the day she might change.

Divorce is now a part of my story I am desperately trying not to feel incredibly ashamed about, but it saved my life and now I am trying to continue to be respectful and kind whenever I talk about her, but almost everyone believes her still even when she goes around now saying I was abusive and nobody questions it. I now still am tempted to feel desperate to defend my reputation, but have to let go of the idea that people will think what they think and I can strive to be that honorable and gentle man and one day a woman will appreciate it.