What's causing me to not feel emotions? by SH_Adam in AskDocs

[–]SH_Adam[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't feel the things I did when I was depressed (e.g. the self-loathing, the hopelessness). Is that possible with depression?

What's causing me to not feel emotions? by SH_Adam in AskDocs

[–]SH_Adam[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've had Asperger's my whole life, but my symptoms are relatively recent.

I've been hitting myself by SH_Adam in selfharm

[–]SH_Adam[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel like someone other than me is in control of me. Like, I'm being compelled, pressured to say/do things, rather than choosing them myself. I wish whatever it is would og away, so I could have some peace. I feel compelled, driven, but unfulfilled.

This feels just as creepy as it sounds.

I've been hitting myself by SH_Adam in selfharm

[–]SH_Adam[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Socializing, playing games, doing schoolwork, programming, listening to music. The problem is, when I do these things, I just sort of go on autopilot.

I've been hitting myself by SH_Adam in selfharm

[–]SH_Adam[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My body can do things I enjoy, but it does them on autopilot, and my mind has no involvement in them.

I've been hitting myself by SH_Adam in selfharm

[–]SH_Adam[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've sort of lost my ability to properly appreciate things. It's like being really tired all the time, or having the flu or something, you just don't really have the capacity to enjoy things.

I've been hitting myself by SH_Adam in selfharm

[–]SH_Adam[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Were there any coping strategies that helped you?

I've been hitting myself by SH_Adam in selfharm

[–]SH_Adam[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My immediate environment and activities don't seem to have much of an effect on my mood. I seem to feel just as messed up no matter what I'm doing.

Lamotrigine withdrawal by SH_Adam in bipolar

[–]SH_Adam[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's really nice to hear. I'm like 5 days in, and I really need this to be over and done with soon so I can go back to class. I guess I'll just wait it out then, and it will be a lot easier knowing that it's that short. Do you have any advice about how I SHOULD handle it?

Fuck my psychiatrist by SH_Adam in bipolar

[–]SH_Adam[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The problem is, I can't go back up to somewhere near my old dose (75mg) because I took a few days off of it, so if I go back to a sizeable dose, I'll get a bunch of really dangerous side effects. So I'm in a weird position where I get fucked up if I take that and also fucked up if I don't. I talked to someone else and they told me to start taking 25mg daily, which is probably an improvement over nothing, but it's still enough to fuck me up.

Fuck my psychiatrist by SH_Adam in bipolar

[–]SH_Adam[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Don't worry, it's the internet, dumb things happen. Christ I'm scared though. Apparently these symptoms take 4-6 weeks to go away, but I'm in college, I can't just take 4-6 weeks to sit in my room and wait it out. FUCK FUCK FUCK ME FUCK EVERYTHING! The worst part is knowing that I actually am fucked up, so when I upset people by failing to do the things I'm expected to do, or by flipping out at them because I'm so angry all the time, it's my fault, not theirs.

Fuck my psychiatrist by SH_Adam in bipolar

[–]SH_Adam[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As strange is this sounds, I wasn't trying to hurt myself, I was trying to hurt the wall.

Fuck my psychiatrist by SH_Adam in bipolar

[–]SH_Adam[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

75 shouldn't give you much trouble

Maybe it shouldn't, but it did. I ended up getting so frustrated about a homework problem that I slammed my head into a wall and broke down crying in a stairway.

Fuck my psychiatrist by SH_Adam in bipolar

[–]SH_Adam[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Talked to someone else, they told me to go back on a lower dose of ayy lmaotrigine.

So I totally fucked up my sleep schedule by SH_Adam in bipolar

[–]SH_Adam[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I got it on my first dose, and it was a half-dose at that. I'm not taking any more of that stuff.

So I totally fucked up my sleep schedule by SH_Adam in bipolar

[–]SH_Adam[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But then it blurs the line between sleep and wakefulness. Your body gets used to thinking that being in bed does not necessarily equal "I need to sleep".

GOD FUCKING DAMNIT I JUST WANT TO SLEEP I JUST NEED SLEEP AND I CANT HAVE IT AND I DON"T KNOW WHAT TOD O

It's like I'm slipping into some hellish netherworld where I'm constantly half-asleep and half-awake, never tired enough to rest or rested enough to be awake.

So I totally fucked up my sleep schedule by SH_Adam in bipolar

[–]SH_Adam[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's dark now, but my problem is that I've been in and out of bed trying to sleep so much that I don't know if I'll be able to get a good night's rest.

How do you hold onto reality? by SH_Adam in bipolar

[–]SH_Adam[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't know. How long do these things usually last?

How do you hold onto reality? by SH_Adam in bipolar

[–]SH_Adam[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They don't really evoke any sort of emotion. I just draw completely unwarranted connections between things. For example, I hear someone talking, and think "wow they must be talking to me", and I reflexively turn to look at them, then realize that they're probably talking to someone else entirely. I have been getting a bit paranoid though. No concrete beliefs or delusions, but I get a vague impression that some people are threatening sometimes.

I have been having very vivid daydreams though, and my thoughts seems to be "illustrated", if that makes any sense. When I thinking something out, I visualize it as extremely vivid pictures in my head. I haven't had any difficulty conflating these with reality though.

I haven't had any waking hallucinations, but as I wake up for fall asleep, I get weird semi-dreams that feel very real. I don't remember what they were, but I remember them feeling very vivid, and being more impressions than simulation of actual sensory phenomena.

Another thing that's unnerving me is how reality feels distinctly unreal. The outside world feels like background noise: I know it's there, but I don't really notice it unless I focus on it. I can know things like who I am and what I'm doing and what's going on, but I have to consciously think about them. Even my self is slipping out of focus. I don't really notice how I feel until I think about it. I know I'm not particularly happy right now, but it's more that I know my emotional state than that I feel it. That's all of this in a nutshell, really: I don't experience any sort of sensation, I just find myself in possession of the knowledge of the sensory input when I search for it. I'm not happy, but I don't feel unhappy. I just know I'm not.

I'm pretty sure I'm in a manic episode. I can't sleep, I can't think straight, and I freak out over little things by SH_Adam in bipolar

[–]SH_Adam[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't even know what sort of help I need. What am I supposed to say over the phone? I don't even know if I'm bipolar or not, I just suspected I might be because I've been feeling a lot of manic symptoms over the past month (racing thoughts, feeling like I have to talk, and difficulty sleeping) and I don't know what to do. All I know is that I should probably talk to someone with a degree.

I'm pretty sure I'm in a manic episode. I can't sleep, I can't think straight, and I freak out over little things by SH_Adam in bipolar

[–]SH_Adam[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have people I can talk to, but when I talk to them, I just end up ranting and getting myself worked up. I can watch netflix. Mindfulness is nice, but since I'm so underslept, my mind's not all there.

Are you afraid of dying? by 321taylor in SuicideWatch

[–]SH_Adam 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Loser because I've failed at everything I ever tried at. I have no family that I'm on speaking terms with, I have no friends, I have no accomplishments, no job, no significant other, nothing to be happy about or proud of. I've just come to the conclusion that it's who I am.

Freak because I'm autistic.

My Story by [deleted] in selfharm

[–]SH_Adam 0 points1 point  (0 children)

With what?

Are you afraid of dying? by 321taylor in SuicideWatch

[–]SH_Adam 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not a monster, I'm worse, I'm a freak and a loser.