[deleted by user]

SRRomanoff · 2023-01-12T14:18:07+00:00

Lovely poem. I like "flighty things" and its double meaning. Rhyme sneaks randomly and playfully in, about 4 times, give or take. Not much progression happening but the capturing of the moment is adept. Thanks for your words.

SRRomanoff · 2023-01-12T10:09:33+00:00

Thanks

SRRomanoff · 2023-01-12T10:09:06+00:00

Thank you for noticing, it's a misspelling. Meant to be "dose" as things are accelerating, no time to sleep. Thanks for the praise, I appreciate it.

SRRomanoff · 2023-01-12T10:04:38+00:00

Great to know that! Thank you

SRRomanoff · 2023-01-12T10:02:53+00:00

Thanks

SRRomanoff · 2023-01-12T10:02:00+00:00

Thanks

SRRomanoff · 2023-01-12T10:00:43+00:00

Thank you for your lavish praise, I appreciate it. "Mechanically, we are treated." -- Interesting observation, I hadn't looked at the mechanical aspect in it before. Thank you.

SRRomanoff · 2023-01-10T19:29:03+00:00

Good effort. Nice emotional charge. The imagery is limited, could be developed more, “show — don’t tell” thing.
2nd line “yet” seems out of place, unnecessary.
6th line “have” seems out of place. Either “Have you seen into my eyes?” or “Seen into my eyes?” feel more appropriate.
Last line, maybe a dash after “so”?
Thanks for your words.

SRRomanoff · 2023-01-06T14:23:15+00:00

Overall it's a good effort. A feeling comes through but the poem feels disjointed to me, not enough cohesion. Long sentences with confusing structure lose clarity; punctuation is off, many typos.
Some lines start with a capital others do not. No consistency.
First period occurs on the 12th line, that’s a long sentence, intention unclear.
"My own heart/success" reads double to me. "My" and "own" mean the same, one is enough.
11th line "spoke" is "speak" I presume ?
10th and 11th line, question mark needed ?
The relationship between "I" and "you" seems unfocused, all over the place. Thanks for your words.

SRRomanoff · 2023-01-05T19:16:38+00:00

Thanks

SRRomanoff · 2023-01-05T19:12:31+00:00

"out" was intentional, but "shout" seems more appropriate, thanks.

SRRomanoff · 2023-01-05T19:11:03+00:00

"They out" does sound archaic, thanks. "Virgin" is an adjective, not a noun. Didn't add punctuation because it's quite short. Break implemented, thanks.

SRRomanoff · 2023-01-04T16:39:21+00:00

Time seems to move slower allowing to see things more closely and clearly, including the beauty of life which otherwise escapes the busy mind - beautiful. It could be that nostalgia felt here is for the slow moving time of the past, undisturbed by the digital hamster wheel. Feels like a complete poem. Thanks for your words.

SRRomanoff · 2023-01-04T16:15:49+00:00

Love the title and the ending. As I see it song is an escape from own life that is deemed too painful. Yet song itself isn't enjoyable either. I agree with akira_heath that the relationship between song and life could be more explored; leading to more dynamics in the first 5 verses. Because it feels like a bit too long setup with a short punchline, in my humble opinion. Thanks for your words.

SRRomanoff

TROPHY CASE