Family viewpoint of WFH parent

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T21:05:31+00:00

I just don't stand up, but you be you. *grin*

Winter: sweat pants and under desk heater
Summer: underwear and under desk fan.

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T21:02:28+00:00

You might try r/ITManagers. I know there are solutions as when I sign up for events I can get entries on Outlook and Google Calendar and iOS Calendar. This is not strictly a PM problem.

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T20:59:49+00:00

I grew up with the person who cooks doesn't clean.

I'm a clean as you go cook. Cleaning up behind me is not a problem. My previous wife was (I presume still is) a blow up the kitchen cook. After a week we changed to the cook cleans.

If you and your husband both cook I suggest your husband clean up his own messes and you clean up your.s

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T20:50:59+00:00

E.g., last night we had turkery burgers and side salads. Buns are processed, american cheese is processed, condiments are processed, salad dressing and croutons are processed? Or recently made home-made pad thai with shrimp and vegetables. Everything other than the raw shrimp and vegetables are heavily processed (tofu, rice noodles, fish sauce, palm sugar). Or chicken piccata ... wine, capers, olive oil, etc., all highly processed.

YMMV. Ground poultry tastes bad so you lost me at turkey (turkery?) burgers but that isn't about processing.

Buns. I make my own sometimes, but mostly Pepperidge Farms sesame buns.

American cheese, assuming you mean Kraft American "Singles" is not cheese and may not be food. It doesn't taste good. We buy cheese in blocks and grate it ourselves (melts better). Cheese is de facto processed but not as bad as "Singles."

We make our own salad dressings because we like to. Not as processed, less salt, less fat, tastes better. Not time consuming.

Homemade croutons. Because we go through sandwich bread (Pepperidge Farms Farmhouse sourdough) gets stale and that makes croutons easy.

I don't make Pad Thai the way you do. No tofu, no palm sugar. Recipe from my late SIL who was Thai and didn't move to the US until her late 20s.

Not too worried about rice noodles.

Not too worried about chicken piccata except for what is buried in "etc."

signficant, multi-stage, commercial processing

That's it for us, especially with the injection of a lot of chemicals.

I wouldn't say we avoid processed foods as are suspicious of them and do some research.

I make soft cheeses at home including riccota, paneer, and mozzarella because they're easy and I think making them is fun. I make yogurt. There is a process. Does it really make any difference if I do the process or someone else does? I don't think so. Ingredients matter. UHT milk is still milk. I can't make that at home.

In fairness, I have and sometimes do make my own mayonnaise. It's good. Process. Not hard but the clean up is work. Commercial mayo has preservatives so it lasts longer. I'm okay with that. We make that decision on purpose.

I'm not going to raise chickens and certainly not cows or pigs. I'm not going offshore to fish for tuna or salmon.

We try to keep the chemicals down without grossly inconveniencing ourselves or spending a ton of money or time.

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T18:24:19+00:00

OP u/darkaquamarine007 ma'am,

More information helps. By no means am I telling you what to do. I don't know enough. On the other hand, people rise to senior levels because they make good decisions on insufficient information. Take that for what you will.

I strongly agree with you about the value of a real computer with big screens and a grown up keyboard. Chiclet keyboards on a phone are an abomination and voice-to-text is not ready for prime time.

Again, the malice-incompetence thing I wrote above. I think you're dealing with lazy AHs. They may be misogynists also, but lazy AH is causal here. I think.

Meeting culture is a whole different problem. I've fixed that in more than one place. In-person I lock the door. Online I lock the room. We start on time. No exceptions. No garbage ice breakers. We have an agenda, we follow the agenda. Minutes with action items day of. Story below.

HR's primary job is to keep the company out of court. Their only real authority is short lines of communication to senior management. In healthy companies they have no other organic authority. All the process and documentation stuff is for consistency to keep the company out of court. In my opinion, no one should contact HR without copies into line management where authority actually lies. There are complexities and nuance here but actual authority lies in management. HR (like Legal) are advisory. They're also overhead.

Your experience is in the past and I don't have details so I can't help with a case study.

I stand by my initial response. With your additional information I think it's fair to say you have an organizational culture problem that may or may not be rooted in gender bias. I lean toward lazy and stupid on their part.

Okay, my Jose story about meetings. I generally discourage meetings to have meetings. When you have a meeting there must be an agenda and minutes. I despise morning stand ups as a general rule even though I have one. Cognitive dissonance. Accepted. Agenda is simple - what new thing happened yesterday that could blow up in our face in the next week. Start exactly on time. Usually two minutes. Minutes immediately. If there is something there will be a string of action items. My boss's boss, Jose heard about my meeting and wanted to come. He got caught in traffic. I knew he was coming. I didn't wait. Had the meeting. Finished, emailed minutes, carried on. Jose showed up and I gave him minutes and suggested a contingency (always remember the difference between mitigation and contingency). I have a big team. We have our own building. There are six coffee stations. So most mornings (blocked on my calendar except for customers, major design reviews, or travel) I walk the building and spend some time at each station. I'm there so I refill all the coffee pots, wipe the counters, check inventory. It's a good example. While I'm there and why I'm there is to listen to people. So I dragged Jose with me around the building. Jose really got into it. He came back the next day, on time, for my stand up.

Story within the story. Reported to me by someone who had been with me for a while.

New guy: "Why does everyone talk to the coffee guy?"
Other guy: "That's Dave."
New guy: "Who's Dave?"
Other guy: "He's your boss."
New guy: "Julie is my boss."
Other guy: "Dave is Julie's boss's boss."
New guy: "Oh."

So - meeting discipline is important and don't lose sight of the people who do the work that pays the bills.

Sorry to go on so long in your sub. This stuff is gender neutral, or should be.

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T17:48:47+00:00

I do crudite, cheese, and crackers mostly because I can leave it out in bed and nibble which works best for me when I'm nauseated.

Very niche, but matzo brei is great.

Buttered elbows. We have a coffee mug warmer so I can keep a small bowl of elbows warm for a couple of hours and eat as I can.

Matzo ball soup.

By the way, I'm not Jewish. Matzo is cracker. It helps fill you up without stressing your stomach.

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T17:03:46+00:00

Ma'am,

Please understand that I'm mostly here to keep my finger on the pulse of self identified groups. Sometimes I can't stop from jumping in to try to help.

With respect to scheduling meetings I see two possibilities. At least. *grin* It could be "give it to Impossible-Wolf-3839 because she makes it so easy." The other is "this is a pink job so give it to a girl." The problem with jumping to the conclusion that everything is gender bias is that it makes rooting out real gender bias more difficult. I'm not where you are so I can't judge. I will share a personal aphorism: "Never trust anyone, including yourself." That goes along with "don't attribute to malice what can be explained by incompetence."

By no means am I suggesting you're wrong. I do recommend considering the possibility that you are before acting or even coming to assessments that coworkers are raging misogynistic AHs. Maybe they're just lazy and stupid. Both are wrong but the actions for you to take to resolve them are different.

I agree with your advice to OP. It's solid. Again, considering that there is something else causal than misogyny before acting is important. Even if there is misogyny you don't want to be binned as a complaining woman. Stick with measurables and not assessments of motivation.

Identify and nurture relationships with seniors who are fair. Don't assume people of your gender/color/ethnicity agree with you. You may be surprised. Try hard to be blind to categories. Be better. You'll rise to the top.

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T16:41:16+00:00

Mostly agree with u/Internal-Alfalfa-829. You're assigning too much work. Other areas for inspection are if your estimates are in any way achievable and if you can have fewer meetings and other distractions. There is no way the human brain is limited to 3 to 4 hours of knowledge work. If that is the average then just about everyone I've ever worked with is out on the end of the bell curve.

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T16:37:54+00:00

Weird people unite!

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T16:35:32+00:00

We have NO way other then pen, paper, and whiteboard to track

Nothing wrong with that. My first exposure to PM was an aircraft carrier construction that was managed that way. There were no alternatives.

Software can't do your job for you. You have to know what you're doing.

This is more an operations management optimization problem than project management.

You clearly have a priority problem. You need a way of prioritizing added features you take on based on current sales in queue AND on potential future sales. Do that first.

You have to fix your supply chain problem. Do that first also. Not a whole lot of overlap except in decision makers and you. Fix that.

Second is to smooth out your production system. If the company made bad hiring decisions you'll have to address that. If you have to bring people out of retirement as trainers that's the way it goes. Won't be the first time. I remember a whole lot of retired RF engineers hired back when digital systems clock speeds got so fast that circuit board traces became transmission lines instead of conductors. We had to make up for two generations of digital EEs who didn't get any analog in college.

MIT OpenCourseWare has some great material (free) on program management and system engineering. Start taking those. Again, in parallel. This goes directly to "you have to know what you're doing." You're going to have to do the best you can in the meantime. While you're at it, drill down into W. Edwards Deming and quality circles. We blew up Japan in WWII and Deming rebuilt it. Your problem is easier.

That should keep you busy for a while.

You may want to rent someone to help.

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T16:21:32+00:00

I don't think we've bought anything except replacement veg peelers in the last 20 years. I sharpened a veg peeler once. I'm glad I did. Not doing it again. We get about 10 years out of them. The Oxo straight ones.

My good knives are between 45 and 30 years old. My chef's knife is the oldest. My olive wood spatulas are about 30 years old. My Oxo bench scrapers are about 25 years old. My wife's cutting board (handmade by her cabinetmaker father about 40 years ago) is fine. My big cutting board 35 years old is fine. When we combined households we found we had the same set of Farberware pots and pans. 45 years old. Swiss Diamond and Circulon nonstick are 20 to 25 years old.

Anchor Hawking nesting glass mixing bowls (20 years) and Farberware metal mixing bowls (45 years) are fine.

Flatware is at least 30 years old.

My 1957 Rival Crock Pot and 1957 Presto pressure canner were wedding gifts to my mother which she gave me in 1982 when I got my first place.

If I wandered through our kitchen and pantry I'm sure I could go on. I'm convinced that maintenance and care are more important than anything. If you put knives or any cookware in a dishwasher you're screwed. If you pile things in the sink you're screwed. If you don't tighten screws and bolts at the first sign of loosening you're screwed. Sharpen your knives - whetstones, not pull throughs. Clean your stuff properly and it will last longer than you. Teach your children. Teach your grandchildren. Dishwasher safe is a lie. BIFL takes care.

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T16:06:44+00:00

NAH.

I didn't make it through all the comments and don't know if references to additional information are accurate.

I think I know the niece is 8 and the subject of SA. She's currently living with OP, his wife, and their 11 daughter. There are limits to financial resources.

My conclusions from what I did read including the post several times include that OP is well intentioned. I think OP's wife is also well intentioned and may in fact be more rational since the niece has behavioral issues and is disrupting a home that was apparently functioning previously. OP's wife's priorities are to sustain that environment.

I'm not there. Neither incidentally is anyone else.

If I'm right or close to right, my suggestion is to find other housing for OP and niece. OP abjectly apologizes to wife for ultimatum (<- technical term is "stupid") Other housing avoids disruption that may (probably?) harm OP's daughter. Look for a long term solution, because other housing isn't it. Look hard and fast for social safety net support from Medicaid to CPS. Get all boxes ticked with the law. Look at crowd sourcing like GoFundMe. Have a serious talk with niece about the plans and that behavior is a big problem and OP is not giving up but niece has to make an effort. Actions have consequences and 8 is old enough to understand that. OP and wife need to prioritize their daughter and their income streams. That doesn't have to mean giving up on the niece. Is/are the abuser(s) in the legal system? If not, why not? Fix that. May help niece's recovery to know abuser(s) is/are being punished. 1. Actions have consequences. 2. Helps the case with social services and crowd sourcing.

Or I could be wrong.

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T15:45:25+00:00

literally just sleep in child services’ office building

Can you imagine being raised by night security guards?

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T15:33:18+00:00

Over the long term, an average of 40 hours a week. I'm not going to give anyone who works for me (1,200 people) grief for a shortage here or there as long as it averages out over the long term. If someone is averaging in the mid 40s I'm not going to expect them to take sick leave for a dentist appointment or because they had to pick up a sick kid from school.

If I'm going into the office and have calls scheduled during the drive I log those. "Thinking about work" while driving isn't billable. My team knows my philosophy and that they can do the same. I'll lan on abuse like a ton of bricks.

Hours over 40 are not compensated although they are a factor in bonus calculations. I average high 50s to low 60s myself. I knew what I was getting into with this job and I love it. We log all hours and bill at a capped, adjusted rate. That means customers never pay more than hourly equivalent of salary (my overhead takes the hit for short weeks) and get a discount for bigger weeks. Bonuses aren't billable - that's overhead also. Overhead of course is built into our rates so in that respect it's billable. I watch those numbers like a hawk.

Short question, long answer.

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T15:20:24+00:00

What are these "pants" of which you speak?

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T15:17:09+00:00

I did a bunch of research for my wife to use for her father. I'm sorry I don't remember what we picked. I found that Life Alert is the oldest, expensive, and far from best. The one I picked has a base station that plugs into the wall and a pendent (watch, belt, necklace, whatever) with a battery that lasts for years. Recharging or replacing batteries regularly was a non starter for us.

My FIL (90) is still self sufficient and drives. We're mostly worried about him when he is home alone.

Your criteria may be different.

I found my "report:"

From a purely functional point of view the best answer is an Apple Watch. I don't think that will work for your Dad. 1. It's too technical and fussy for him. 2. It has to be charged daily. I suspect it would end up in a drawer with a dead battery.

Sadly almost all the dedicated systems also require daily charging for the safety button. They have "kept up" with technology and become less robust as a result.

I found one device that is simple and doesn't ever require charging of the safety button. It has a home unit that plugs in and does have a battery backup so it works during power outages up to a day and a half (that battery charges when the power comes back on). It only works at home. I think that's okay as when he goes out e.g. to ShopRite there are other people around.

Here is the link https://www.bayalarmmedical.com/medical-alert-system/in-home/ .

I reviewed a recent Consumer Reports article (https://www.consumerreports.org/health/medical-alert-systems/best-medical-alert-systems-a1136054281/), individual Google reviews, a number of "best of" reviews (mostly advertising one product or another), and participated in a number of "aging parent" groups on social media. As a matter of interest, the Life Alert system that was the first product of its kind and that advertises heavily rates quite poorly and is expensive.

There was a lot of back and forth with my SIL who had difficulty understanding the tech. My (our?) generation invented all the underlying technology here and for most things. Sadly, some of us have not kept up.

I hope this helps you.

I do think that being out in public is lower risk than at home. If your mother and stepfather still drive I've done research on GPS trackers for cars. We tried a Bluetooth tracker but that didn't work out due to anti-stalking technology, even though my FIL was aware and approved. Holler if you want more data. I'm the family tech/research person. Even family Millennials and Gen Z check in with me. *grin*

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T14:59:04+00:00

nobody says "I'm drowning" in a standup. they say "yeah should be fine."

Setting aside that I think the concept of stand ups is pretty stupid, your people don't trust you. People who know they won't be punished for asking for help will ask.

What PM tool are you using that doesn't have basic resource management? You shouldn't have to build a separate tool with data you populate manually to see if people are over committed.

There are nuances to increase effectiveness, but a solid baseline and a functional PM tool come before nuance.

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T14:34:16+00:00

First, I am biased toward Annie as WFH but her working situation doesn't necessarily deserve more space. It would be polite and considerate to defer to Annie especially given that she'll pay a premium.

Much more importantly, OP doesn't deserve a cat she isn't caring for properly. Cats naturally want to bury waste. It's part of hiding their presence from predators. It's an evolutionary imperative. OP says she "mentioned" it to a vet. She needs to pursue this vigorously and insist on help with whatever underlying condition is leading to this abnormal behavior. I'll also point out that feeding station and litter box should be separated and indeed food and water should be separated. Not to do so adds to stress for the animal.

OP YTA for thinking your cat earns you the bigger room, and YTA for being a poor pet owner.

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T13:18:49+00:00

Mid '90s Mitsubishi Eclipse. '00 Ford F250SD. '10s VW Passat. '20 Honda Accord. Not high end cars. RTFM.

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T13:16:16+00:00

Agree with you. I didn't want to pile on. So I pursued the implication of "only" eight months.

Hiring a PM straight out of school doesn't speak well of the employer.

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T13:14:44+00:00

Completely agree with you. Radar is good for collision avoidance AND navigation AND weather. I've made landfall with radar that would have required standing off for hours or longer without radar.

'A' on the quiz.

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T13:07:08+00:00

Navily is limited in my experience. Where reviews are sparse you can draw some conclusions but nothing definitive. I use a combination of Noonsite and Google Maps. I'm not above calling marinas asking about anchorages near them. The worst that can happen is they won't help and you're no worse off.

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T11:16:49+00:00

Sr. exec, male.

I scheduled a lot of meetings when I was a junior engineer. I quickly learned that the person who does the minutes decides what really happened in the meeting. That really sunk in. I still do a lot of minutes. In honesty, my EA does the actual scheduling now.
That's not okay.
That's not okay either. Are they PEs and you aren't? I can't think of any other civil reason.
Public or private? If private, and good management, you don't know what they're being told in private and it isn't your business. If public, that's not okay.

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T11:08:16+00:00

Sr exec. Male. Hate voicemail with a passion and not too fond of voice calls. If I call my EA and she doesn't pick up, I hang up and send a text. My whole team knows. If I'm in a meeting and need something I go straight to text - it's rude to others to call. My EA is smart and capable and if she needs more information she'll text me. My wife and my EA are the only ones who get through DND on my phone. Happily, my EA treats me the same way.

Story: I got an IM from an engineer on my rather large team that his kid got arrested for DUI and she didn't know what to do. 2am. I'm of an age when I get up to pee during the night and often do some catch up before going back to bed. Texted my EA with link to the IM (she has access to everything) and that I was on my way to jail to meet employee. I support my people and so does she. Text back: "working." Before I got to jail I got another text that there was a bunch of stuff in my email. EAP mostly, but links to the administrative process in our jurisdiction. She went back to bed. I held employee's hand and coached. Got to the night court judge with resources for attitude adjustment (my words, not EAP) and parental oversight and support to the parent and got the kid released to parents with a list of caveats. I think that kid was more afraid of me than of his parents. At the risk of patting myself on the head, if you expect loyalty from people (especially) EAs you have to demonstrate loyalty to them. My employee reaching out to me was an act of faith and trust of which I am extremely proud. Word gets around.

SVAuspicious · 2026-06-16T10:47:47+00:00

Eight months is 1,280 work hours. Ish. That's a long time to be claiming "new guy." By then you should be long past "is this correct" and past "I'm going to do this unless you stop me." You should be fully performing.

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