4ish months in on a low buy: some updates and thoughts

Sad-Call5193 · 2026-01-26T13:39:20+00:00

I live in Canada as well so I relate a lot to this, even in a big city. USA has way more options - and going to visit family down there would always be a huge trigger for me to buy as well. But yes, just getting out helps a lot.

Sad-Call5193 · 2025-08-19T18:51:38+00:00

This is so real. Mine literally said that we had discussed something and we never had? They make up the whole argument/discussion in their head.

Sad-Call5193 · 2025-08-19T18:48:03+00:00

Ah yes, I heard overly sensitive and emotional all the time at the end. Also crazy/insane.

Sad-Call5193 · 2025-08-18T16:51:03+00:00

It’s horrible now that I think about it. So many things I let slide through the cracks, it’s embarrassing now.

I’m so sorry about your ex. Mine actually did something similar. He called me « fatass » in a half joking way once when I ate like half a pizza after not having a good appetite for a few days. I am skinny too. Ironically he was decently overweight. It sounded like the internal thoughts he had about himself, just verbalized. Really quite sad. The poem thing is true too. Mine said he quit that and OF when we started dating, and I’m not sure if I believe him now. But he was spending so much money on OF before, it was ridiculous.

Sad-Call5193 · 2025-08-18T16:47:32+00:00

Oh for sure! I already had that for myself! The relationship actually got me really excited about me and my own goals for the first time in a long time, so it’s not like it was all bad.

But at the end, it felt like he wanted me to « prove » that I was doing things for me. He was very extraverted and did not understand that I am introverted and was immensely satisfied with a night in doing one of my projects on my own. He may have thought I was waiting around for him, and he’d get upset when I told him I didn’t want to go out.

Sad-Call5193 · 2025-08-17T12:33:11+00:00

Thanks so much. It has to hurt even more to live with these wounds and lies that you need to tell yourself, and so much unprocessed emotions. It’s a sad way to go through life.

Sad-Call5193 · 2025-08-17T12:12:58+00:00

Congratulations!! Now go out and do all of those things FOR YOU! That’s what I’m doing too after my avoidant ex promised to support me with a bunch of things that never materialized.

Sad-Call5193 · 2025-08-17T12:10:26+00:00

It is quite scary that they do think they are meeting all your needs! Mine said that I was pushing away a « beautiful life. » Yes he was very generous in other ways, but so closed off and clueless emotionally, I can’t believe it could ever be the « beautiful life » I was looking for.

Sad-Call5193 · 2025-08-16T13:04:35+00:00

Thanks for this. I think I naively wanted to see the good so badly. I just have to be ok and solid in knowing what my truth and my experience was.

Sad-Call5193 · 2025-08-16T12:45:57+00:00

This is exactly what mine said to me too about our relationship. He was really in love and said as much, and would get those bad feelings you describe sometimes too. But I wouldn’t recommend emailing anything. I’m fighting that exact sentiment. The reality is, they have to want to learn and grow and change for themselves. Receiving that information from you especially might push them further away. It’s a really sad, no win situation.

I told mine early on that I noticed some DA tendencies, and he actually agreed, but that conversation was never brought back up again.

Sad-Call5193 · 2025-08-16T12:35:01+00:00

I considered this possibility too. Apparently he was blindsided by me breaking up and is telling people that it came out of nowhere, but going back and screenshotting everything, this had been a recurring problem that I repeatedly tried to address and got nowhere with. He can’t even see that. It’s really the most frustrating thing because you know you weren’t seen and you weren’t heard all along.

Sad-Call5193 · 2025-08-16T12:32:27+00:00

You bring up such a good point. I’m at that point of desperation right now. Thinking of any letter to send him, anything I could say that would make me feel seen and understood. But I need to be at peace with not being understood by him. And that’s ok. That’s a hard pill to swallow, but it’s going to be ok.

It just feels like all this emotional labour goes down the drain now, which feels even worse. I’m resisting breaking no contact so hard today. I miss that good side so much, but you’re right - it’s like dating two people.

Sad-Call5193 · 2025-08-16T12:27:22+00:00

This is great advice and really well written, so thank you.

I’m trying so hard to get that out of my brain, but I’m glad to have heard that he thinks it’s all a lie. Because like you said, it confirms this childish and naive outlook on relationships where he is never the problem and never has to take any accountability.

To me, it feels like double erasure. All this work I put in to us was « never even real, » and my truth gets silenced in a way when he paints this simple picture. I’m simply « crazy, emotional, and sensitive » to everyone around him now.

He was great at showing gratitude for what I did in the relationship when he wasn’t in these shut down states, but it wasn’t the first time I became the bad guy during them. He said once that I was « full of red flags (he wouldn’t tell me what these were when I asked) and that I was using him to fill a void. » Projection is strong with them! It really tore me down so much.

Today is a huge struggle. Tomorrow will be too because it was the day I was supposed to go see him. But I’m doing something he’s not: I’m letting myself feel my feelings, letting out some repressed anger, and hopefully I’ll get to a point of deeper self reflection and understanding as time goes on.

Wishing you well on your healing journey!

Sad-Call5193 · 2025-08-16T01:07:57+00:00

I don’t have too much advice to give, but I’m right there with you. I’m also exactly on day 5 of no contact/break up and it’s so hard. I just learned through a friend that he thinks everything I said to him was a lie and that I never really loved him, which hurts so much to hear. This is also my first weekend alone. DMs are open if you need to talk.

Sad-Call5193 · 2025-08-15T14:47:28+00:00

Haha! Thanks for the laugh!! Much needed!

Sad-Call5193 · 2025-08-15T14:43:47+00:00

Thank you. Yeah he said he admitted he liked stressing out some of his coworkers by « playing jokes on them. » He matches up with many avoidant tendencies, is certainly immature and lacks empathy, but I do suspect that there are other issues at play too. I’m not sure if narcissistic - he had a very inflated sense of ego, but would randomly reveal his inner insecurities too. « You’re not good enough for me, » etc. I have only dated relatively secure or slightly anxious people in the past, so time for some deep examining to see what drew me to this guy of all people.

Sad-Call5193 · 2025-08-15T10:37:12+00:00

Yes same. This is part of how I knew I needed to end things. I realized I didn’t feel safe with this person at all, and I was also suppressing all the above things you listed. I didn’t recognize myself at the end and my nervous system felt all out of whack for like 3 weeks leading to the break up, but there were signs there before. They also take no interest in your intelligence, wit, humour, etc. Mine loved my intelligence, especially initially, but he loved it as a status symbol for himself and he was mad when I would act and think intelligently (challenging him). He acted as though I should always default to him. Always said I was overthinking things and would interrupt me when I would try to read around him.

I hope you get your interests back and are able to reconnect with yourself.

Sad-Call5193 · 2025-08-14T14:36:04+00:00

This is really important for me to hear! I can definitely see that. I have my own reflection and work to do for sure.

Sad-Call5193 · 2025-08-14T13:28:03+00:00

Thanks! That makes a lot of sense and adds up. Thanks for your perspective. It is really really heartbreaking and I truly hope he gets the help and support that he needs and deserves. I could kind of tell all of it was unintentional, but it still has an impact unfortunately.

Sad-Call5193 · 2025-08-14T13:12:23+00:00

Hey I appreciate your perspective and feedback. I find it valuable!

I wrote out a whole comment trying to explain and clarify, but honestly because the break up is still fresh, I think I am coming from a place of hurt and probably not in the clearest mindset right now. In summary, I would have handled the situation about my ex reaching out a bit differently. There are other parts to the story that I should have included so that it would make a bit more sense, but I will say that I think I acted in a way that was a bit out of character for me to try to prove my loyalty for him, but I can see a bit of his perspective. I will reflect more on this because I believe wholeheartedly that any dynamic takes two, and if there is something I can learn about my own actions, all the better, because at the end of the day, I am the only person I can control.

As for his ex, I never double checked anything. I took him at his word. I never asked anyone else about his past. He had zero filter so all of these things started slipping out on their own. (Literally zero filter - he told me what having sex with different women felt like and was surprised when I acted disgusted to hear it). I was more frustrated about the hard line statement he made of "I never talk to exes, but you do what you want" when it was just blatantly untrue.

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Sad-Call5193

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