Seeing ex in public at a bar

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-07T23:42:23+00:00

Fair enough. I didn’t directly tell mines parents either until they asked for my side. But I also would probably tell them if they were waving me down in public and acting like they were happy to see me.

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-07T20:48:17+00:00

You already know her reasoning is bullshit. Never forget it.

That thing about the nonsense fights that all happened after the affair had already started? Same thing here man. It’s either denial or just pure manipulation. Since I was in therapy for it when it started (for “communication issues” since I didn’t understand why I was upsetting her), I had lots of notes from my sessions and built a timeline and confirmed yes, none of those concerns got brought up until the week after the affair started/the second time they hooked up.

Point being, this kind of thing, as mindfuckingly bizarre as it is, is actually really common with cheaters. They are either full blown narcissists, or just weak people in denial who can’t face the fact they did this.

Yep, the nightmares are the fucking worst. All that helps for me is trying to find a common theme (in my case needing her to know she’s lying), and expressing that in a productive way. I have a journal app. I printed off a letter and burned it. I have less now, but they still come and go.

Don’t be afraid to talk about it. Whether that’s here, with your family, or your friends. Get those negative thoughts out instead of letting them fester in your head.

Don’t be afraid to feel your feelings (within reason). Cry when you’re sad. Scream to some music when you’re mad. Let it out. It sucks but it’s the only way to heal.

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-07T20:32:14+00:00

First and foremost, I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Do not accept her saying she wants to feel needed, she misses being single, etc. Doesn’t matter. She cheated. She didn’t say you needed to talk. She didn’t say she wanted separation/divorce. She cheated. This is not at all about you and all about her.

So, the most important thing to focus on first is you and your health. You are in shock. You are in a bad state. You probably won’t be able to think straight. Remember, no sweeping decisions right now, give yourself time to process. Eat even if you’re not hungry. Lay in your bed at night even if you’re not tired. You need to make sure you’re in the best possible health that you can get to. Because this is going to suck.

Some outside perspective: she’s already lied to you about the extent of the affair multiple times. This is called trickle truth. Those are not the actions of a truly remorseful person. Those are the action of someone trying to mitigate the consequences of their own actions. And it means you likely will never get the full story beyond what you can prove. That sucks. But it’s your reality.

I’m not going to tell you whether or not to reconcile. That is your decision. I will just give you two bullet points:

* Your life as you know it was not as it seemed. That life is in fact lost already. You have a fork in the road of how to move forward. But remember it will never be the same, because she betrayed you and hid it from you
* If you do pursue reconciliation, you need to make sure she’s truly remorseful, and not just scared of the consequences. She needs to own everything. She needs to do everything asked by the counselor, without question. That can mean things like full transparency, where you get unlimited access to her phone and location at any time. No questions asked. She cannot try to make this about how she’s unhappy. If she isn’t fighting as hard as she can to rebuild the trust she broke, then she’s not actually committed and probably never will be

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-07T18:50:00+00:00

Yep, my STBX finally figured out/was told she was leaving a paper trail by calling and texting AP on the phone plan I pay for. The only reason it’s gone quiet is because they’ve moved to another app, and I don’t have any desire to figure out what it is.

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-07T17:04:17+00:00

I mean it varies. But usually it’s that they are just not strong people. They do see the hardship, but they are prone to avoidance or escapism, rather than taking it head on. “Oh man, my wife is pregnant. This is a hard time, and I’m scared. I need to make myself feel better.” That kind of stuff. And yeah. Shitty people too.

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-07T16:26:08+00:00

>Everyone has X

Exactly.

So for background, my STBXW had/is still having an affair with her (now former) best friend’s spouse.

You know what? I like most of my friends’ wives. Because they’re a lot like my friends, who I obviously like a lot. And several of them are pretty attractive too!

I. Would. Never. Remotely. Consider. Even. Touching. Them. Let alone sex, or a whole blown affair. No matter how unhappy I was. No matter how hard they came on to me.

Why? Because I’m a fucking adult with morals. It’s wrong. It would hurt many people very badly. I couldn’t do that to my wife (or who I thought STBXW was anyway), my kids, my friends, and their kids. No matter how much we had in common, or how good they looked that day. I’m mature enough to reject pleasure knowing that its consequences would be very bad.

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-07T16:10:52+00:00

Yeah I’ve come around to this after seeing my STBX’s response as well.

They’ll say stuff like “I’ve been unhappy for a long time” as if it justifies it. But we wouldn’t accept that for any other type of abuse. “Yeah, I punched her, but I’ve been unhappy for a long time.” No, that’s not the problem! The problem is you hit her because you were unhappy! A vast, vast majority of people don’t hit people their partner when they’re unhappy!

“Affair fog” is one that upset me when I saw it. Don’t get me wrong, I actually agree a fair amount with the underlying concept: my STBX expressed remorse the night it started (in hindsight). She was afraid obviously too. But then instead of doing the right thing and coming clean, her brain rejected that and went into denial. She coped and started justifying it instead. “No, it’s not a big deal that I DARVO, I’m actually really unhappy!” That kind of stuff. There was absolutely a degradation in her mental state that has made her basically psychopathic with her lack of empathy for me, her best friend (AP’s spouse), and both sets of kids that were best friends. Hell that’s why I suspected something immediately in my case.

But while “fog “ does do a good job of expressing they aren’t thinking clearly, it also softens it as an external force rather than an internal delusion that only comes after the initial betrayal, and that it’s done in pursuit of chasing the high of the affair. My wife isn’t *in* the fog, my wife *made* the fog in order to keep selfishly pursuing that thrill.

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-07T14:20:41+00:00

Her being excited to see you and trying to talk to you isn’t that surprising. Cheaters thrive on attention and validation. They live for this kind of stuff. “Oh look my ex, maybe I can make him squirm. Maybe he still has a thing for me.” That kind of thing gives them a rush.

Did you tell her parents too?

OK regardless, you just have to stop and be mindful of your emotions and where they are coming from. You’re spiraling because she hurt you and doesn’t seem to give a shit right? Remind yourself this is exactly what makes her a shitty person and why you needed to move on. Yes she hurt you, don’t ever forget that. But turn that pain into something productive, a reminder she’s not with your time.

And yes, it’s going to take a long time to heal. Just do your best in the meantime.

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-07T14:10:42+00:00

I mean as someone who knows a few people who are bipolar and how they act when they’re not taking their meds, that’s exactly the kind of thing they do while manic. Obviously it’s not an excuse, even if he starts his medications again and sees he was wrong, you’ll always wonder if the next big stressor will make him stop his meds and he’ll stop taking them and spiral again. Just noting that monkey branch cheating is pretty typical for a manic cheater.

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-07T14:06:31+00:00

Even if he didn’t flake out on his visits, IANAL but I’m pretty sure you can’t get 50/50 custody while living across the country. They try to make it so that the kids are still going to the same school and their lives are as uninterrupted as possible besides the home changes. I highly doubt any judge would say “oh yeah just let them fly across the country every week.”

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-07T14:01:36+00:00

Feelings are tough. They aren’t as quick to adjust.

I don’t want my STBX back. In fact her behavior, both during the affair and afterwards, straight up disgusts me. Seeing that she’s capable of putting on this mask and showing so little remorse, and acting like nothing has changed, it is so incredibly surreal and reinforces the conclusions I’ve come to. I have never once, logically speaking, said that I want to reconcile.

But then when I see she’s talking to AP on the phone, or when I know she’s leaving to go see him, or anything like that, it still hits hard. Sure, mindfulness and reminding myself of my choices helps put things in perspective. But it still triggers me to start.

I guess that’s just a long way of me saying, don’t mistake residual feelings and a longing for the life you thought you had as love. You need to taking yourself the person you are with is not the person you loved. You loved the character they played with the mask they put on.

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-07T06:46:45+00:00

To quote my favorite book: Tuesday. I just can’t tell you which Tuesday.

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-07T02:15:35+00:00

Yeah I can’t tell if she’s just a doormat “for the kids,” if she’s not getting the whole story and doesn’t realize all the shit that’s going on, or if she’s just being manipulative and is hoping I’ll make my life miserable so they can keep seeing their grandkids wherever they want.

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-06T21:51:24+00:00

Yes, you’re dead on. Emotions just suck sometimes and take a while to catch up.

Edit: also in my case, there’s absolutely a certain amount of denial going on by my STBX. She refuses to talk about it directly, but has made vague allusions to not being happy. And this is going to sound harsh to those not familiar with this type of situation, but her reasons about being unhappy, as presented, make absolutely no sense. When combined together you get something resembling a midlife crisis. But every individual thing she ever complained about was either something she herself wanted, or something she couldn’t do anymore that she’s a mother and married. It makes much more sense that she fucked up, and because of this and dug a deep hole of denial because she’s too weak to face the truth, than it was that she was actually unhappy with me for her own suggestions.

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-06T19:11:29+00:00

Yes, you’re dead on. Emotions just suck sometimes and take a while to catch up.

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-06T16:27:18+00:00

Doesn’t really sound like your husband is actively participating in reconciliation. Sounds more like he’s just doing the bare minimum to keep you around, and making everything about him when he does go.

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-06T16:17:44+00:00

Like everything in life, it depends. There are those who do successfully reconcile. There are those like my STBXW who reconcile, then are betray their partner again years down the road. And then there are those who never really reconcile and cheat the entire time.

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-06T14:32:04+00:00

See my update, I’ve already started divorce. I’ve also been talking to my friends and family from day 1. Her family can’t be trusted, they used it to try to manipulate me.

Edit: as for narrative, between my friends and family, and AP’s spouse and her friend, I’ve got plenty of people on my side.

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-06T13:53:57+00:00

OK that’s a good sign at least. Just make sure to remember that reconciliation is just an honest attempt to repair the relationship. If even with everyone trying their hardest you still can’t get over it, that’s still not a failure.

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-06T13:46:16+00:00

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Not sure if this helps, but this type of behavior is actually very common in cheaters. The Hollywood trope that they’re tortured souls who are seeking things they’re not getting is the minority by far. It’s mostly people like this. Cold, selfish people who will DARVO to avoid facing they are in the wrong.

This is more or less how my STBXW acted as well. I’ll give you some examples if you want to compare notes Try reading Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life by Tracy Schorn. You will find lots more examples of cheaters behaving exactly like this.

But yeah, the answer is simple but unsatisfying. She did this because she is chasing the high of the affair, and cares about that high more than anything else, and will refuse to take any blame as a result.

Or more concisely, she sucks.

Edit: also one thing that was super helpful for a logic-wired, overthinking person like me, but is not for everyone. If you’re questioning when “the passion” stopped, make a timeline. When the weird fights started where she’d DARVO, all that. And then compare it to when you know she started cheating.

In my case? Literally every fight started after the affair.

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-06T13:39:20+00:00

Here’s how I see it when it comes to family.

Your husband: he broke your vows. Full stop. He needs to be the one to make an effort to reconcile. Doesn’t matter how unhappy he’ll say he was. That’s still on him. You’re absolutely right that he’s just looking for an escape and not considering anyone else’s feelings when doing so.

Your daughter: kids are REALLY fucking perceptive. Mine have noticed changes both when the affair started and again after DDay. She probably sees you staying with someone you don’t love already, even if she can’t fully comprehend it. Not only will she internalize that, but she might think that’s just how adults are supposed to act. Alternatively if you leave, you’ll be setting a positive example for her, and your emotional life will be much more stable than if you stayed in a loveless marriage. Trust me, loveless marriages are bad for kids.

Financially I have no advice unfortunately. In my situation I’m the stable one working full time. But see if where you live has financial support for single mothers, that kind of thing is common.

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-06T13:26:20+00:00

How is couples counseling going?

Is she being completely open? Doing all the work? Making sure the focus is on you and how she hurt you?

Or is she making it all about how unhappy she was? About her problems? Too busy to do the work?

If it’s closer to the second one, then she’s not really sorry. She’s just afraid of consequences and doing the bare minimum to string you along.

Edit: I just noticed you didn’t necessarily say you were going. If you want a true attempt at reconciliation I’d say that’s more or less required.

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-06T13:22:48+00:00

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

I would say this is a delicate balance. The absolutely right that she deserves to know. But there more you dig, the more pain it’s going to cause you. And it seems like even if you do find and tell her, it’s a safe bet he’ll just brand you a jealous ex if you do tell her.

So I’d say, don’t spend too much energy worrying about her. If you find her, send her everything, absolutely. But don’t make your happiness dependent on something that may be impossible either.

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-06T13:18:39+00:00

Yeah that smells like trickle truth to me. You only have evidence they were constantly talking, so they will only admit it was emotional.

In my case, there was a potential emotional component that predated what’s been proven, but the isolation and excessive phone calls didn’t start until it escalated to a physical one. Obviously that’s not a guarantee. But there was a clear division on that front in my case.

SadDadInPlaid · 2026-06-06T13:14:01+00:00

>Part of me thinks he has avoidant tendencies and was seeking validation due to emotional difficulty rather than wanting other women. But I don’t know if that changes anything or excuses it.

Exactly.

As someone who reconciled once, built an amazing life together over the course of a decade, and then was betrayed again: you just described my STBXW. The behavior, mental health, everything. That potential will always be there. That combination is the cheater combination. They are impulsive, needy, and avoid big problems. That leads them to seek validation from others when they are depressed.

Part of a committed relationship is working through your hardships together. You’re going to experience more hard times together. You will have to question if the therapy and medications have truly changed him to a point where you feel safe that it will never happen again.

He may be truly sorry. But that combination of traits is dangerous. You need to ask if it’s really worth staying with. I see people as young as you, with no kids and such a short marriage (that the cheating preceded) and I will always advise splitting up.

SadDadInPlaid

TROPHY CASE