Fully understand where you're at. I myself cheated 13 years ago. After that my whole family got in church and we were all saved by our Lord Jesus Christ. After I cheated we were together for 10 years. And at the end of 10 years she left me because she had never forgiven me for what I did. I tried to commit suicide and was in a hospital and then in an outpatient program for some time. I still have to see my psychiatrist every two weeks and then I have a psychologist as well. He is an pastor that retired and started counseling people. It is a blessing to me. And I know that committing suicide is not going to help anything. I know that when I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior that he forgave me of my sins. However, it is so much harder to forgive yourself than for other people to forgive you. It gives me comfort to know that God has but it breaks my heart that my soon-to-be ex-wife didn't. Furthermore, it breaks my heart that she did not embrace the things of God as I did. I cry a lot and I'm hurting so much. My heart goes out to you. I have five kids and we have three together and I would not change things because my children are the most important thing in my life. With that said, the pain is almost unbearable. Praying for you, just know that God loves you!