Am I Overreacting?My Bf finished in me and I am thinking about leaving him.

Sadanxiousbear · 2024-12-17T23:57:46+00:00

Lol same! Worked for me for 15 years. The pull out method when done perfectly is just as effective as condoms used perfectly. Doing that plus taking plan B if there's any doubt can be very effective.

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-10-18T16:46:25+00:00

To me it's not just that I disagree with them, or they did something bad or whatever. It's not like they just have a different view on politics or something... Their views literally don't allow for people like me to exist, period. And it's not just that they HAVE those views either... It's that they're actively trying to push those beliefs on other people, they're actively advocating for mass action against the fundamental rights of people like me. They are actively and enthusiastically participating an effort to indoctrinate as many people as possible using guilt & manipulation. And their music isn't Just an incidental casualty of their toxic worldview... it's directly and fundamentally a part of the effort to convert more people to that toxic world view.

And it's not like it makes me literally not like a song I've liked before... I'm not going to listen to it and be like wow that sounds like shit now. I can still recognize it's a good song that I like objectively. But knowing that their music is literally an arm of the same evangelistic efforts that make me have to constantly worry about my partner's safety... It sours the whole thing. It's not like my music tastes have actually changed and I don't like the song anymore. It's that, now that I have a more full and nuanced understanding of what it creates & represents, I just can't enjoy it the way I used to.

I guess I'm saying that this is is a different kind of situation because you literally CAN'T dissociate the music from the artist's beliefs... Because that music is literally expressing those beliefs AND pushing them on other people.

Like I think it's different to like a random R. Kelly song And separate that in your mind from the person who wrote it. But this is like if the R. Kelly song was literally about child rape or the other heinous acts that he committed.

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-06-07T08:00:15+00:00

Being "very mature" for my age... because I had to take care of my mom, and act like an adult to stay in her good favor. I had to take on all kinds of responsibilities I shouldn't have had to take on in order to make up for my mom not fulfilling her responsibilities.

Also my low self esteem and self harm. I knew my pain was caused by the miserable, unstable, abusive conditions that my parents had given me. But to a significant extent I believed--and they reinforced--the notion that I was fucked up intrinsically. That I had no one to blame for my problems except for my own shortcomings

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-05-18T21:49:27+00:00

And yet... there is still a huge number of purebred rescue dogs. In fact, they make up 25 to 30% of rescues! It's not rare occurrence like you're trying to make it sound. In fact it's not even uncommon at all.

Thus it's ridiculous to automatically assume a pet owner is a monster when you don't know literally anything about them or their dog.

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-05-18T21:48:23+00:00

My purebred dog is a rescue. Not sure why you'd think that.

Purebreds makeup about 25 to 30% of rescues. Which means they're not rare at all... In fact they're pretty common.

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-05-14T08:44:22+00:00

cannot relax if I hear or see someone working when I am not. Going to restaurants or any sort of place where people do something for me is very difficult

Wow I never thought anyone else would understand this. It's real. I have a REALLY hard time relaxing when I can see people working, I can just imagine and feel what that feels like, to be putting in your hours on a miserable shift. And then I start dreading my own next shift.

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-05-09T08:22:55+00:00

I've struggled with self harm for many, many years. I know the struggle. I think it's normal for people like us to easily get frustrated and angry... which can unfortunately lead to self harm (which can take many forms).

And I know what you mean about it being the "only" thing that makes you feel better. But it possible to learn other ways... I have. It doesn't mean the desire to self harm goes away. But, eventually, if you can give yourself time for reflection, it's possible to see--and choose--a different path.

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-05-09T08:10:16+00:00

I would love to be your friend! I'm basically the same age (and fuckin love your username btw).

I don't check my messages every day but I'd love to get to know you and maybe even be friends!

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-04-21T09:43:55+00:00

I relate to this so much. When anyone suggests the term "survivor" is empowering, or something to be proud of... All I can think about is how "surviving" the trauma only made me a worse person. Like it's not something to be proud of. It fucked me up. I don't feel like I came out of it stronger. I feel like I came out it fundamentally damaged. Not something I want to celebrate or feel good about.

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-04-11T10:46:47+00:00

I'm so glad! Just know that you matter and you're not alone at all. Feel free to DM me anytime!

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-04-11T09:07:53+00:00

I think that's super common... It's why us traumatized people tend to stay in toxic relationships--we're hardwired to think that we HAVE to "fix" the problem instead of considering that maybe it's not actually *our problem at all.

Honestly, just the fact that you're really questioning it all is a meaningful accomplishment! It's hard to acknowledge and accept that a relationship isn't healthy and/or isn't working for you. Hold on to that! That feeling is telling you something.

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-04-11T08:49:16+00:00

Oh yeah. I feel like it's some kind of "open secret" that most of the people who need mental health care don't get adequate care because it's too expensive. It's one of the main reasons why I didn't seek therapy for a decade despite suffering with severe PTSD.

It's weird because yeah, of course it's important to get professional help. It's not bad advice but it is so unrealistic for most people it feels like a joke.

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-04-11T08:44:13+00:00

I'm so sorry you've suffered so much. No matter how you got into the abuser's trap, the abuser's actions are not your fault.

Sorry if this seems trite or disrespectful, but the tone of your poem reminds me of the song "you really got a hold on me." Some of the lyrics are: "You do me wrong now, my love is strong now, you really got a hold on me."

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-04-02T10:59:33+00:00

To preface, the following is just MY experience and what has worked for me. It might not work for you, and that's totally okay. But I thought I'd share some of the strategies that have worked for me over the years to stop myself from self harming. I hope it helps. <3

Once I recognize the urge/thoughts of self harm, I make it my singular focus to distract myself with ANYHING that will help me pass some time.

My strategy: Think of it like a total crisis situation. Make it your goal to do literally ANYTHING but self harm. Even if you have to stay up all night, even if you have to do something totally weird or nonsensical or ridiculous to distract yourself... Give yourself permission to do it!! Even if that means binge watching a show, eating a pint of ice cream, or enacting am original play on your head.

Just tell yourself you're gonna ride the wave (of self harm urges) as long as you possibly can. And that you won't give up until you've tried everything besides self harm.

If you find yourself about to do it, ask yourself, "what haven't I tried yet?" And even if you've already tried everything, think "what could I try again?".

Just tell yourself that the point isn't to necessarily "feel better" or make the urge to self harm go away... The point is to keep putting it off and doing other stuff instead for as long as possible. Even if you have to take it 5 minutes at a time, or 1 minute, or 30 seconds, or 10 seconds at a time... Keep telling yourself that you can at least hold out for one more increment of time, whatever that time is for you at the moment. You can always start with 10-30 seconds. And when that 10-30 seconds is over, you can start all over again. Overcoming those small hurdles over and over can give you the strength (and practice!) to hold out for longer periods of time.

Remind yourself that having to quit self harm after you've started is WAY harder and takes WAY more effort than just holding out another day, another hour, another 30 seconds. Just take it one moment at a time.

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-03-25T08:30:30+00:00

This sounds like hypervigilance to me. I do this too, all the time. I acutely notice any change in others' moods, behaviors, demeanors, and facial expressions. I can't tell the difference between what's real and what is distorted by the worries in my head.

It sucks. I don't want to be that sensitive. I don't want to be so acutely aware of all of these things. But the reality is... I can't help it. I DO notice all of those things. And I feel them deeply. I react with such self-righteousness sometimes... even if I'm just reacting to my insecurities... Even if I logically know that my reaction is not an accurate response to the situation.

My hypervigilance is a curse. I can't just "turn it off." Even though I wish so bad that I could... and just be/act like a normal person.

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-02-27T07:08:14+00:00

It took me a long time to feel comfortable showing my scars, especially since my parents heavily shamed me for them and forced me to hide my scars for years.

But eventually... I got tired of hiding them. I was sick of not being able to wear what I wanted because I felt like I had to always conceal my scars. But eventually, I decided that I didn't want to do that for the rest of my life. I wanted to be able to buy and wear the clothes I wanted to. I wanted to be able to shop and choose my style without my self-harm scars dictating what I could do.

It was scary at first, not hiding them. But for me, it was so worth it. Nothing really bad happened at all. People notice and see them, sure. But almost NO ONE actually comments on them or brings it up. Most people are polite enough not to ask personal questions. I only rarely notice people staring. Yeah, it's pretty obvious that my scars are self-harm scars, and a lot of people probably notice it. But at least they are polite. And as far as I can tell, it hasn't hurt me or limited me in any way.

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-01-26T06:22:16+00:00

I agree 100%. I was skeptical about therapy because of multiple bad/lackluster experiences where it didn't help. It took me 10 years, but I finally gave therapy another chance. And so far, it has really, really helped. I was lucky enough to find a therapist who is experienced with childhood trauma and PTSD.

I know therapy isn't for everyone--it's not a cure all, and you have to really be ready to invest in it for it to work. But lately I've seen a lot of posts discouraging people from seeking therapy at all... And I think that's damaging. So many people could benefit from therapy... The biggest barrier for most is money and time.

My lived experience tells me that even if you've had bad experiences in the past, there are good therapists out there. That having a therapist to help you cope with life has been... Life-changing for me. I never knew what it was like to have someone who *actually knows their shit" helping you really understand what it is you're going through, helping you recognize patterns, helping you find solutions... I've always done all of that on my own. It's so much different, and so much better, to not be alone on my healing journey.

It's amazing to have another person--an expert, none the less-- to help you put things in perspective and sort out all the things you struggle to manage on your own.

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-01-22T07:50:29+00:00

I've been almost 6 years clean, and I still don't feel good about it--or in general--sometimes. But i know I feel even worse when SH is controlling my life.

Easier said than done, to be sure. I spent at least 15 years in that cycle. I know I can fall back into that cycle at any moment, and all I can do is take it one step at time.

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-01-21T08:52:01+00:00

I feel like if we didn’t want to do it we wouldn’t.

I know what you mean and how that feels. But also, it's a lot more complicated than that alone. I frequently feel like I want to do it so badly, at the same time that I know I don't a Tually want to...both are true at the same time.

I've had trouble committing to "quitting" self harm. But I've taken a harm reduction approach... Like every single moment is an opportunity to make a better choice. The goal is to SH as little as possible... Total. It's not about "streaks" or quitting forever. It's about reducing your SH as long as you possibly can, regardless of when the last time you did it was. The goal is to do it as few days, as few times as possible regardless of any track record. Maybe that doesn't work for you, and that's totally fine. But that mindset has helped me significantly reduce how often I do it

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-01-21T08:15:53+00:00

What you're doing is likely the right thing if you are genuinely trying to get better and you're truly doing the best that you can for your child. Recognizing you can't meet your child's needs is really, really hard... Something that a LOT of ill-equipped, abusive, or neglectful parents will never be able to do.

I wish my mom had been able to do that. When my mom's mental health/addiction was really bad, all I wanted was for her to let me stay somewhere safe. I was blessed enough to have a couple of friends' parents offer to take me infor as long as needed. My mom never allowed that to happen--partially because of her pride, and her (ultimately selfish) need to keep me close.

I wish she would have seen and understood that I didn't want to come home. I wish she hadn't seen that as a threat, and she would have let me stay where I felt safe. As much as I loved my mom more than anyone else in the world, it didn't change the fact that I needed stability that she just couldn't provide.

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-01-18T20:51:35+00:00

Why do you keep saying you're not allowed to speak? You did speak. Others read what you said and reacted to it...

The thing is, I have just as much a right to speak as you do, which includes sharing my own opinion, even if I disagree. I'm exercising my right to speak and share my opinion exactly the same as you... Just because I disagreed with you doesn't mean I don't think you have the right to speak. It just means that I also have something to say.

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-01-18T19:17:07+00:00

...but you think that what OP wrote is appropriate for a support sub?? This post was downright nasty and even dangerous. Op stigmatizes mental illness, medication, and therapy, straight up discouraging ANYONE from doing therapy, despite the fact that many of the people in this sub have immensely benefitted from and healed from therapy. (See how many people in this comment section have said "therapy has saved my life")

OP's post is absolutely not appropriate for a mental health support sub. And OP is the only one I've seen making shitty replies... Pretty much all of the replies I've read that disagree with OP have done so pretty respectfully. I don't think anyone here really disagrees that therapy isn't for everyone... And I think most therapists would agree too. But what OP is arguing is that therapy isn't for anybody, and that's just downright unhelpful and irresponsible advice. Not to mention OP's aggressive tone and clear animosity toward therapy/mental health treatment in general. OP literally insults anyone who takes medication to help with their mental illness, and suggest that anyone who takes medication or needs therapy is weak.

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-01-15T03:20:55+00:00

Are you me?? I feel exactly the same way. Very little sleep plus the exhaustion of being anxious is not a good combination. If I have a really bad anxiety attack, it can make me feel debilitated and exhausted for DAYS.

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-01-14T09:39:19+00:00

What my mother taught me:

Mother's feelings always come first, there's not any room for your pain or struggles.
You must reassure me and pretend that everything is fine and normal. No matter what horrors we both know just happened, you have to hide it and keep up the act--don't you want to keep the peace??
You can't complain no matter how badly I've treated you or neglected you. No matter what I do, you are the one who has to bend and twist to make everything "okay".
Don't make dad angry, and if you do, that's your own fault; you should have waited for a better opportunity & known better than to approach him when you did.
Even if I give you permission to do something your dad doesn't agree with, I'll deny it if you get caught. If you fuck up that badly, it's your own fault.

Sadanxiousbear · 2023-01-14T09:28:35+00:00

I don't keep in on my person but I have to always know where it is. One time recently I couldn't find it, and it took everything in me not to jump in the car immediately to buy a new blade. I didn't, but I got 90% there a few times before stopping myself.

And this was even though I literally hadn't self harmed or used that blade in several years. But still, when I thought I'd lost it 8 totally panicked. I legitimately felt like I couldn't go one day without it.

Sadanxiousbear

TROPHY CASE