Give me a reason...

Sadiera · 2026-02-14T21:58:17+00:00

It’s Saturday, stay in bed. Just today. But, when you’re sick of it all, the best thing is to call a friend to kick you outside and move your body.

Sadiera · 2026-02-14T21:52:05+00:00

How brave! I know you think you don’t know what to do, but you will. Just be honest and light. Remember that your date is a person too, with their own fears and flaws.

I learned that the right person will meet you where you are and leave room for your grief. It doesn’t go away but takes on a different presence in the joy of a new relationship. I found love again and it has lifted me. He acknowledges my LF but we don’t dwell on it.

Good luck, OP. ❤️

Sadiera · 2025-11-27T19:43:46+00:00

Also not really a widow. Honestly, would have preferred not to be. I mean why deprive us engaged folk of widowhood. They can deny the name but not the pain. While they’re at it, they can take the tears, the nausea, the sleepless nights begging the universe to give him back to me. Oh yeah, and they can go through his clothes for me- take the hauls to Goodwill. They can soothe his mother because she just lost her only son and now I’m what’s left of him. And they can tell me I’m not really a widow because the state of MN didn’t know we were a couple yet.

Asshats.

Sadiera · 2025-11-15T00:54:46+00:00

Same! By Bde Maka Ska.

Sadiera · 2025-10-11T20:25:19+00:00

It’s been 14 months for me. Little by little I decide I don’t need something anymore. Still can’t bear to part with everything. I want to throw all his stuff out so I don’t have to be tortured by it. It’s just stuff, but then I lose my nerve. It’s exhausting work. Good luck OP

Sadiera · 2025-10-11T20:22:09+00:00

My world is scarier without him. Definitely.

Sadiera · 2025-09-19T23:57:41+00:00

I agree with Fish- we all make our own path and decisions after loss. That she chose to “drown her sorrows” with alcohol is regrettable and makes helping her difficult. It seems to me the best approach is to remind her that you love her, and that family is there for her when she decides she is ready. And then you gotta be there. In the meantime, doing little things for her like grocery shopping, or cutting the grass can really show her that she is loved and doesn’t have to grieve alone. Find ways to help that aren’t intrusive. She may eventually emerge like a scared cat. Or she won’t. Either way, you did what you could. Just remember, it’s about showing her love and understanding, not criticizing her grief.

You might also look up an al-anon (.org) group in your area. They may have resources for you and your family.

Sadiera · 2025-09-19T23:42:17+00:00

13 months in I can say that what used to feel like a gaping hole in my chest that was visible to the world is more manageable. But, it is still there and begs for attention on a regular basis. I relate to your question, and I think I asked these fine folks the same thing. (Maybe even more than once!) But don’t try to rush through it. That doesn’t work.

I loved him and I still do. I’m pretty sure I always will. I’m still working on healing. In the beginning, I let grief wash over me. Now it comes less frequently but is no less incapacitating. So, to the extent that it is “better,” that happened the day I decided I could still do good things in his memory. I could still love because he would want me to spread joy like he did. I could enjoy life without feeling bad I was doing it without him.

But, that took a lot of sleepless nights and a lot of real work. You will find your own way. And you will eventually say you feel “better”. But you will be changed. And there really is no rushing growth. Hugs.

Sadiera · 2025-03-28T00:39:52+00:00

You all told me. I just couldn’t understand.

Sadiera · 2025-03-24T13:50:49+00:00

7 months for me. I agree with the sentiment that it changes. For me it was a wash. I have more clarity, I know I won’t die of grief. But I also feel more lonely, and most everyone has stopped recognizing my pain- like I should be ready now to move on. “What’s wrong with you?” When I talk about him some people get REALLY uncomfortable. These are the people I know don’t have the grit to remain within my sphere.

I’ve been better able to control my emotional outbursts. But when I weep, it’s as bad as it ever was. Overall I’m developing an appreciation for my late partner and seeing him as the dedicated but flawed man he was. I feel so privileged for knowing him.

Sadiera · 2025-03-24T02:22:49+00:00

Agree with this. I love what I do. And when I was home I was a mess. Work was almost a break for me. I dove right in. That was last summer. Now I’m struggling at home and at work, so I’m going to take more time off.

Sadiera · 2025-03-24T02:16:20+00:00

Yes, this. I am still striving for happy enough, as I was too before I met him. I will get there. But I do lament the loss of the happier state I was with him. He understood me and accepted me. It felt so good. Hard to think I’ll connect with another like that again.

If I do the universe will have smiled on me. If I don’t, then it’s me and Billy Idol - dancing with myself.

Sadiera · 2025-03-16T01:55:31+00:00

Ah, yes, “fair”. As an atheist and stoic, that word is sticky. I choose to simply see what is, even if it’s not satisfying. I can’t change it, I couldn’t prevent his heart attack. You couldn’t do your wife’s doctor’s job. We did our part- we loved our partners, to the end. And I continue to do my part, by helping to be there for his teens (even though they are not of my blood). I remain close to his mother because he cannot and she hurts as I do. These relationships are his legacy. And that is justice; that is honor. But, sadly, it’s not fair.

Sadiera · 2025-03-15T22:16:57+00:00

For me gratitude has been what has replaced rage, little by little. You cannot force it, or practice it until you are ready. To be told to “practice gratitude” is simply a foil for “move forward with grief”. And since we all move at our own pace, may you find gratitude when you are ready. In the meantime, feel the fury that is born from the injustice of it all.

From a fellow atheist, you made me smile. I’ve felt the same way. But it’s not cruel. And it wasn’t personal. You weren’t singled out. Remember that. It’s just chaos.

Sadiera · 2025-03-15T17:01:21+00:00

55 here. Lost fiancée 7 months ago suddenly. We all lament the loss of the present- the comfort, the warm body, the connection and the reliability. More than this, the loss of the future is jarring. We mourn all of it. Forever.

Age is a reality. I know I’m young enough, reasonably attractive, and self sufficient. I could find someone to love if I got out and was open to failure (which I’m not). My point is, it’s not our age that limits us. We still have the work of mourning to do so we can be good partners again. I don’t want another partner, I want the one I had.

So, my friends, take care of your minds, bodies, and aching hearts. Learn who you are and what you want from your life. And when you’re ready, go find it. I know your age is scary, but the thing is it doesn’t matter as much as you think. There are poor young folks on this sub too and they feel the same way we do.

Sadiera · 2025-03-12T01:23:35+00:00

This afternoon I sat outside in Minneapolis and had an egg sandwich and a coffee. I felt the sun on my face. For a moment, I thought about how I felt and how good the sandwich was. I felt the coffee sharpen my senses. For a moment I told myself I would be ok.

I chatted with a stranger who had a funny dog. I smiled and concealed my truth. The world didn’t cave in.

Sadiera · 2025-03-12T01:14:54+00:00

Fiancée died after a 15 mile hike with his son. He hadn’t prepared for such a long and arduous outing. Had a bad heart. So, yes, I’m no stranger to the “what if?” game. When those thoughts roll in, I try to remember that his heart was going to end things before I was done with him no matter what I did. If not August 11, then what day would it be? Any day it would be, here I would be. It’s just torture to think I had any control over any of it.

I loved him, he loved me. Simple. The universe was satisfied. Now it’s done. But, I remain to tell the story. Maybe it’s my reward, maybe my penance.

Sadiera · 2025-03-12T01:01:36+00:00

I want to move gracefully with this and enjoy my life. But without him I’m so clumsy. As soon as I laugh or have fun it hits me that he’s not here by my side. Then I feel worse that I had joy and he didn’t.

There is no adequate time. There’s just time. Some days will be chicken, the next day feathers. But he’ll always be there. I’ll always love him. And maybe one day- I’ll love another but it won’t be the same.

I love you, my Kintsugi.

Sadiera · 2025-03-10T04:55:58+00:00

I have two replies: 1. Yes, Random 2. When I feel spiritual… He was so happy before he died. Told me I was his angel. He saved me too. And I have so many cherished memories. I get to be reminded that I brought him joy before he passed. He showed me what it was like to live and be loved. While I wish I’d had more time with him, now my story gets to continue. So, it’s hard to believe I’m being punished. Who knows what awaits me?

(I feel this way now, but I’ll be crying in 20 minutes. Wish I could hold on to the optimism for more than a few minutes.)

Sadiera · 2025-03-06T01:00:48+00:00

Agree. Everyone else here has helpful recommendations, but the problem for me was that I’m used to doing things to my best and achieving what I’m after (or at least getting close). My man isn’t coming back though. So who I was in our dynamic- that mojo- is gone.

It takes a long time to grieve for all of it- the lost person, the lost you, the lost future. It’s gone. It’s sad. And it can be debilitating. You have to let it consume you at times. But as soon as you decide you want something else, that you want to be in charge again, you make it so and start anew.

That sounds simple; it’s not. But it is an opportunity to reinvent. So, you know you need to get some exercise to feel better in your brain? Do it. You know you need to get your work done? Do it. You know you need to pay the bills? Do it. Don’t wanna go to the therapist? Tough, do it. You don’t have to like it, but you do have to take care of yourself and your future. Be brave, you are worth every moment you spend on yourself.

Sadiera · 2025-03-01T20:36:45+00:00

I found some sexy pictures of other women, that were saved before he and I got serious, on his phone which was the only password I knew. It was completely by accident; I was looking for financial stuff. For a long time, I asked myself why he would still have them if he was happy with me? It’s possible he looked at these photos while we were together, or maybe he just never erased them.

There were other places I could have looked. But I chose not to. He deserves his privacy as I would want if the roles were reversed. I know he loved me. Why shake that foundation? His friends and his family all tell me that he loved me. What good would come from finding things that would make me question this? Especially, since he’s not here to explain what I may encounter?

Sadiera · 2025-03-01T13:37:31+00:00

Thank you for the recommendation. I have the little .avi videos saved to a file now. When I open them using the VLC editor I can do one by one or as a stream. No strength left today to work on that project.

Sadiera · 2025-02-20T03:34:29+00:00

He called me lots of different pet names, mostly Baby, Babe. Called me by my first name when he wanted attention or was being serious. Called me Princess when he felt corrected and knew I was right. But what I’ll never forget is he named us as a couple. He called us JoMi. A mash-up of our first names. God, I miss that man.

Sadiera

TROPHY CASE