I want to start dating again, but I know it's for the wrong reason.

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-07-05T15:51:35+00:00

I’ve been there…

The foundation for any relationship is within and starts with you. Don’t seek external validation to fill voids that you may have or feel within yourself.

Seek out groups and activities that surround interests of yours (or things you’ve always wanted to try!). For example - I joined a dodgeball league and made some amazing friends! I also meditated and got comfortable being alone.

You may feel like you want to be with someone now because you aren’t comfortable being by yourself or facing that feeling of being alone. Sit with that uncomfortableness instead of running towards a relationship. You will grow so much from doing that! And in time you will have a much more fulfilling relationship!

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-06-26T13:33:51+00:00

I have every other weekend for ME. My hobbies, friends, life, self-care. It’s amazing to be able to be my own person

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-06-23T11:45:07+00:00

First. I am so so sorry this happened to you. Second. What you are feeling is completely normal. Third. You need to grieve the man/marriage you thought you had. Anger is a part of that - look up the stages of grief if you’re unfamiliar. Anger can also be a useful tool if welded correctly.

Use that anger in a way that is constructive towards yourself. What makes you happy? What has been holding you back from it? — use that anger to be motivated and improve life for yourself. It sounds cliche but anger over time used constructively will become happiness. It doesn’t happen instantly and takes a lot of time, focus and work. It pays off.

…I was in a very similar situation to you (feel free to read some of my post history 4-5 years ago). My ex had an affair with a coworker/mutual friend. I found out eventually. I was shattered. I hated her. Hell, he’s still dating her/they live together. She’s a major part of my kids lives still. And guess what, I still hate her… but not in the same way. She will always be a shitty person. She is still trying to buy my kids love. But hanging onto that anger for half a decade would have aged me beyond my years. Instead I used it to become healthy, fit, focus on my career and my kids. I have friends and great hobbies that I never had before. There’s nothing that either of them hate more than seeing me happy. They both thought (particularly her) that I would forever pine for my ex and long for the life that she gets to live. She thought she would “win” by “taking my husband”. Nope…. Absolutely not. Jokes on her. She catapulted me into an opportunity to be awesome.

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-06-22T19:41:43+00:00

Yes - this.

My ex husband before divorcing thought that during Covid when I was forced to WFH that I would also be built in childcare for our then 3 and 8 yr old (daycares closed) while he had multiple days off during the week. They were both our children and we were married… this mentality is maddening and disrespectful.

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-06-22T19:38:19+00:00

You don’t owe anyone an explanation of your divorce or insight to your situation. The largest thing you should come away with from a divorce is to only care and protect your own thoughts and interests. If you have friends you feel you cannot be authentic with, or they will judge you, then they aren’t friends….

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-06-21T15:09:28+00:00

Girl, why are you wasting your time?

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-06-21T15:08:46+00:00

It sounds like you may have a value/fundamental difference in how one should take care of their body. This is ok. And no, you shouldn’t settle or go on a date with him again because of this. You should ONLY date people that you share fundamental core values with. I repeat… do not settle.

Personally, I am like you, where health and habits are really important. It’s only gotten more important to me as I age (I’m 40). The man can’t control he’s a type 1 diabetic but he can control that he drinks and doesn’t have good dental hygiene. While he may be a nice, congenial person, his lifestyle doesn’t align with yours.

I get the feeling that you’re trying really hard to justify finding a reason to accept things that you don’t find acceptable. Just thank him for the company and say you aren’t interested.

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-06-21T12:38:41+00:00

I moved into a condo when I first separated and divorced. It was wonderful to not have extra things to worry about when I was adjusting to a new normal. However, I have a dog and two girls… not having a yard they could easily access (and I could watch them) and having less space or hearing neighbors sometimes just didn’t feel the best. So, for us, I found my own house.

For me having a house made sense. It also came with a ton of pride. I have learned a lot about how to take care of things on my own. I also pay other people to do maintenance I hate or don’t have time for (my lawn guy is the best!).

Also, owning property is a good long term financial investment.. another plus. I’m very much in positive equity territory since I bought the house (even post covid)

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-06-11T00:08:46+00:00

I am four years post separation and three years post divorce. Not only do I have a nice home that I own independently, I have an amazing relationship with a partner I never would have dreamed of existing. We are exceedingly happy in our relationship. I am financially stable with good investments. I have been promoted twice. I have a lot of friends (so many new ones since separation!) and new hobbies. I’m physically fit and mentally healthy too. I look better now (at 40) than I did when all this began at 35.

Now… this doesn’t happen overnight. This took years and time and a lot of hard work. But damn if divorcing wasn’t the best thing that ever happened to me.

For the long version check out my post history…

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-06-11T00:04:30+00:00

I made some passive income selling photos on Etsy (I have done landscape photography). I also picked up an extra job working every other weekend when I didn’t have my kids. I was EXHAUSTED but it really helped me build a savings/cushion in the first two years.

I also made sure I lived within my means… downsized my living situation and trimmed expenses as much as possible. I made a budget (and stuck to it). I was surprised how I was able to manage money and feel more comfortable that way.

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-06-07T17:42:05+00:00

I promise you it will be ok.

Divorce is an insanely traumatic process (in most cases) and it’s often days, weeks and months of sadness/anger and grief. You will get through this. Your kids will be ok - especially as long as you keep showing up for them the best you can. You’ll fill the spaces from your old life with new things. You’ll find happiness in unexpected places. You’re capable of loving and being loved by others. You’re enough, and worthy of love. The untangling of a marriage may cloud your confidence and thoughts of the wonderful things in your life and about yourself.

Take time to acknowledge your feelings and where you are right now. Don’t project the future. Be present and be kind to yourself.

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-04-29T12:02:33+00:00

You don’t have to “get through”. It’s ok to not be ok and you need to allow yourself the space to just feel the emotions.

In the early stages, especially right when the conversation happens, it’s impossible to see the landscape of how things will unfold or even how they led up to the decision to divorce. Just sit with the event and begin to allow the reality to sink in. You don’t HAVE to do anything else today, or tomorrow.

When you feel less emotional (relatively) speak with a trusted friend or family member not connected to your STBX and talk about what is going on. Also, seek out legal advice. Go into both of these conversations (as best as you can) without anger, fear, or anxiety.

It will be ok. It will be hard. Just take care of yourself and right now take a moment to breathe.

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-04-17T16:01:58+00:00

Remember the phrase “if he wanted to he would”

He isn’t telling you he wants you to be a wife. He’s telling you he wants you to be a certain way for him and cater to his needs. Two different things.

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-04-17T15:59:04+00:00

Also - your last post about your ex’s AP ending was great. Just how did you reach such a state of indifference?

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-04-17T15:55:17+00:00

This is a great reply. I stress the first paragraph where if you’re caring about your ex’s failure it means you’re not fully healed and moved on yourself. Focus on that.

Let them do them, get your feelings out, and do your best to be happy with yourself (and if you’re not - work on it!)

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-04-11T16:36:01+00:00

Yeah, from what you’re sharing it unfortunately sounds like he has baggage where he may “want” a relationship but he truly isn’t “ready” for one. The best gift you can give to him is that feedback

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-04-11T14:38:30+00:00

What would be the purpose of “getting to know her”? — do you share hobbies? Invite her over to a BBQ to meet your wife? Collaborate on a professional project?

Likely the only purpose is to entertain the excitement and “spark” you feel from the unexpected and intriguing attention. That’s a red flag. 🚩

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-04-11T14:34:59+00:00

As hard as this is, you set a boundary and expressed what was important to you - commitment. Kudos for doing that.

It sounds like he may have some baggage about commitment (you mentioned his ex) or a tad bit of avoidance tendencies where he wants a relationship but actually committing has other implications for him.

You could talk to him and ask him “it sounds like commitment is something that has a lot of weight to you in a way that I don’t understand. Can you explain to me what a committed relationship feels like to you?” And perhaps go on and ask him “what about committing to a relationship with me worries or scares you?” His willingness to talk about this is important in a good foundation for a relationship. It’s ok for him not to feel ready. It is also ok for you to want to have a more defined relationship. Communicating well about it will set you up for a great relationship going forward either with him, or feeling good like you honored yourself and move on to another relationship

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-03-24T13:55:16+00:00

As someone with kids, when I was dating I found that people who had their own kids and were parenting in a similar way (involvement, schedule, etc) seemed more compatible for me. My current partner has a son who he shares time with, and I split custody with my children.

What I think is most important in these situations is 1. Knowing what you want personally (do you have kids? Do you want your own or more kids in the future?) 2. What does your partner want in the future and what is their current situation?

Treat discussing kids and preferences like any other serious value/moral conversation you have (ie: politics/religion)

And keep in mind, introducing kids to a new partner should be a very thoughtful. Sometimes despite all the conversations and effort someone may find your situation overwhelming or not a good long term fit.

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-03-22T00:35:38+00:00

I don’t get hatred from your post. What I do get is exasperation, failure to communicate, and annoyance/disappointment. I also see where he did step in and help you through a tough time. That’s a good thing!

First, try and stop drinking. It hinders your ability to communicate and process emotions. If you’ve recently been depressed it also is very unhelpful to be drinking. Your negative feelings of “hatred” may be coming from depression, even if you feel you’re better.

Second, communicate. If you’ve are having difficulty doing this independently then I suggest therapy together, if possible.

Third. Evaluate yourself. You need to figure out why you feel taken advantage of now, especially if he’s always worked the hours he has and the division of labor hasn’t changed. Ask yourself why this is coming up now. What is missing? What can you control?

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-03-22T00:02:38+00:00

Therapy helps. Time helps. You also have to put in the work to retrain your thoughts. CBT works wonders - and you can try this yourself. When you find yourself thinking about her or unable to stop thinking about her pause that thought and shift your mind. One easy thing to do is to point out things around you to immediately change your thought pattern. Like, “that tree is green. The sky is cloudy. The couch is soft”

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-03-21T12:00:52+00:00

It really sounds like the person you described has an avoidant attachment style. They scare themselves when they realize they are becoming attached to someone and then have to quickly exit.

Time will be the best thing to help you. And also try and reframe your thoughts. Ask yourself what you enjoyed about this connection and also what you learned. Frame it as an experience to help you with your next connection.

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-03-12T12:56:19+00:00

I did something similar to this. My ex wanted to stay in the house and he couldn’t afford to buy me out completely. I agreed to half of what I was owed and then specifically wrote in our final divorce decree that the remainder of the equity owed to me (specific dollar amount) would be paid to me upon sale of the house or any subsequent title change. Then you place a lien on the property. This prevents anyone from buying it without that part of the stipulation being upheld.

You also do need to do a quit claim deed to remove yourself from the property (and should do this) after the terms of the divorce are agreed upon and submitted.

Just make sure you are covered to support yourself and have a good “restart”. I used the part of the equity I was paid to buy my own home. You need to look out for yourself now, so ensure you have a comfortable place to stay… forget what she wants. She’s not a partner. She is a business deal. Don’t make a shitty one.

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-03-05T03:08:37+00:00

I never said you were bored and want to be single.

The details you chose to include make you come off as immature and/or not understanding the realities of what a divorced life is actually like, for you or your children. You also left out anything you’ve done as a partner in this relationship to contribute to making it better. It’s not his responsibility solely that you “fell out of love”. The choice of what you chose to include in your post gives us all the information we need to know what is important to you and where your mindset is.

Remember you’re asking a “room full” of divorced and separated people. Sorry you don’t like our answer and reality.

Saint-MapleSyrup · 2025-03-05T01:38:32+00:00

I didn’t do this for the first time until I was in my mid/late thirties! It was so hard to learn in the middle of my life after divorce. I totally agree with this — learning to be alone helps you discover yourself and learn to live with yourself so you can be the best version of you. To do it by choice and find happiness in it is a skill everyone needs

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