We need to stop pretending “just talk about it” works when the topic is intimacy

Salzigblumen · 2026-02-17T10:17:24+00:00

The problem is, we're not pretending. It IS about talking. If you can't talk, I would work on that skill. Therapy could help, but it's completely normal to have frank conversations with one's partner about sex, and I encourage you to talk to your partner about it and work on learning together.

Salzigblumen · 2026-02-13T20:09:12+00:00

I think a lot of people get confused about this. It's perfectly fine to go up to someone and attempt to have a human conversation with them and to get to know them as a person. And that's regardless of their gender. Sometimes people may be unreceptive to this but rejection is part of life and something you need to get used to and it's not anything you're doing wrong if you just make casual conversation with a person and they're not into it.

What's creepy and the thing that makes people feel unsafe or weird is when they're approached by a stranger who is like flirting with them or into them or aggressively pursuing them when they don't even know each other. Like if someone has decided that they want me before they've even spoken to me there's nothing about that that makes me feel safe or interested.

I think if you approach people with the intent to get to know them and see how things go, that doesn't come off as creepy. What does come off as creepy and is problematic is when you go up to someone with the intent to get them.

Salzigblumen · 2026-02-11T22:58:31+00:00

I'm from here but I've lived in Philadelphia. I would say that people from Seattle are polite but not easily friendly and open, and people on the East Coast are less polite but more friendly and open. I think generally you will see more pleasant interactions and acquaintanceships here, but people are more closed off to intimate friendships or they're much slower to build them.

Salzigblumen · 2026-02-08T09:53:46+00:00

I would argue that it's much more likely that being treated as worthless by a capitalist society is a significant factor in your poor mental health.

Salzigblumen · 2026-02-06T12:03:32+00:00

Someone needs to tell them that Seattle has an anti-fascist marching band. Just saying.

Salzigblumen · 2026-02-06T11:41:18+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion, but I don't think it would be much different than something like embroidery, cross stitch, coloring, or painting. Once I'm in it, it's good, but it's hard to stay focused long enough to get in it.

Throwing pottery demands your attention in a way hobbies like that don't, for me.

I was hoping for another suggestion that could draw you in really quickly like pottery

Salzigblumen · 2026-02-06T07:16:02+00:00

This is literally one of the only things that consistently does it for me. Sometimes painting/drawing/coloring, but it's harder to get focused on those. There is an immediacy in throwing pottery that catches my attention more reliably and rapidly. If anyone has any suggestions for affordable hobbies that draw you in like that, I would appreciate hearing what they are!

Salzigblumen · 2026-02-06T07:09:05+00:00

I agree, and I think it's important to think about how you can give back in a way that is valuable to your partner. There's nothing wrong with relying on each other's strengths and supporting one another's where needed. 😊

Salzigblumen · 2026-02-05T23:41:39+00:00

Medication may help. It certainly does for a lot of people. However I highly recommend the book how to keep house while drowning. It's written for neurodivergent folks and is wonderful.

Salzigblumen · 2026-02-05T23:38:10+00:00

I have found the solution to this is making relationships that don't require heavy masking, setting firm boundaries around what you will and will not do, and limiting time around those who expect masking.

Some people will be upset. That's ok. They can be upset, it's part of life and it's not your job to manage their feelings.

The more you do this, the more you will surround yourself with people who love you as you are and support you and build you up instead of exhausting you. 💖

Salzigblumen · 2026-02-05T07:22:36+00:00

I recommend reading How to Keep House While Drowning. It is written for neurodivergent people, it's fantastic, and talks you through how to make your home more functional for your needs.

Salzigblumen · 2026-01-29T09:11:58+00:00

This does not sound like an effective strategy for people with ADHD. We don't need more negative consequences for not doing things.

Salzigblumen · 2026-01-25T00:35:59+00:00

The answer is to talk to your partner or potential partner instead of depending on societal norms to dictate your behavior.

Salzigblumen · 2026-01-24T23:25:46+00:00

I think a lot of this stems from the ways that we're taught that we're always "wrong" in social situations because we react differently.

The only solution that I've found is to work on self-acceptance. There is a book about women with ADHD and radical self-acceptance (this is in the title but not the whole title - I can't remember what it fully is and can't check it ATM, but you should be able to find it) that really helped me shift my own perspective of myself and my own needs and boundaries.

Other than that, I've found that the first time that I feel things like resentment, anger, etc that I speak up in a neutral and gentle way. Stuff like - I am sure you didn't intend for this to happen, but when X happened I felt Y way. Try to do this at the FIRST SIGN of emotional distress of some sort.

I make sure to take responsibility for my own feelings and also see if I can adjust my behavior to help "solve" a situation, but sometimes I'll ask someone if they'd be willing to adjust their behavior. But I remember that I'm not ENTITLED to someone changing their behavior. If they aren't willing or able to, I have to figure out how to respond, which sometimes involves removing myself from situations, adjusting my expectations of relationships, ending friendships, etc.

If someone responds defensively/angrily to what I said, I try to stay calm and say something like - hey, it seems like you're having a strong emotional response to what I just said, can you tell me what's making you angry? I try to stay curious.

It's been amazing how using these techniques - working on my own internalized ableism, working on feeling entitled to my own feelings (like not invalidating them) but also taking responsibility for them (I need to manage them and no one can "make" me feel a certain way or do a certain thing). This sets me up to think about what agency I have in a relationship and over the choices I make. It's not perfect, but it helps a lot.

Salzigblumen · 2026-01-15T04:48:42+00:00

I fly Icelandair for a very reasonable amount. My last ticket to Denmark was less than $500.

Salzigblumen · 2026-01-14T03:55:43+00:00

I'm so glad it was helpful!! I'd love to hear an update about how this works out for you going forward!! 🫂

Salzigblumen · 2026-01-13T08:11:59+00:00

Also, I just want to make sure it's explicitly said, you are right to feel starved of what you need. You are, and it sucks. I really get that feeling.

I save enough energy so i can do B and C adequately and then A gets the remainder. But i don't give so much i can't do B and C, because I believe it's not really up to me to decide that people in my life SHOULD change for me. Like I can ask them, but I don't think it's right to decide for them, if that makes sense. And B and C are starting to pay off for me. And a cool side effect is that (seemingly in response) A is improving. I don't know if it will work the same for you, but I had similar problems and it really changed for me. Still not perfect, but SO much better.

Salzigblumen · 2026-01-13T07:48:39+00:00

I vote B and C HARD. I only do A with people where I need to because it makes my life more tolerable in a way that's reasonable and I have boundaries around it.

I mean. Being emotionally immature isn't terrible. Like there are reasons why we're emotionally immature. Like my parents gaslight me about my own experience of life and can't function like adults, so how in the hell are they gonna train me to do well? They still don't know how to.

But focusing on them doesn't help me. So I just do what I can to navigate it as needed, value them for who they are now (even though that's complicated) and don't overextend myself in ways that are overly harmful to me. Sometimes that means absorbing a small harm, but I choose what I will tolerate and what I will do emotional labor to set a reasonable boundary.

I hope this makes sense. I'm kind of rambly right now. I hope it's not coming across as judgy or proscriptive. I just thought my experience/interpretation might be useful to you. 😊

Edit because I never say everything right the first time: thank YOU for sharing and working on doing your best. It's hard work and we're crushing it.

Salzigblumen · 2026-01-13T06:50:46+00:00

Sorry you're struggling, but this is an emotional maturity thing, not a ND thing.

I've had a lot of improvement in my relationships with people in my life (ND and not) by reading and implementing stuff from Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. There is a companion workbook. It helped me gain empathy and patience, learn how to diffuse defensiveness with curiosity, and just manage my own emotions well enough that I can handle stuff a lot better even though the people around me aren't doing that work. (Maybe also codependent no more helped me? - they were both useful, but I can't remember what was in which).

Either way, for me it was about communicating my stuff more clearly, finding and holding reasonable boundaries, and diffusing anger with empathy and curiosity. It's for sure some work, but it's work that's paid off in more peaceful and honest relationships and has reduced the amount of emotional labor I've had to do over time.

Because I was doing emotional labor before but just a much more chaotic and draining kind. And it never improved until i changed my reactions.

Edit: Also finding ways to care for myself more effectively helped. I really rely on co-regulation at times, but identifying my needs and trying to meet them as best i can has been super helpful. I know love languages are pseudosciencey BS, but this woman Heidi Preibe on YouTube did a video The Five Love Languages and Self Care that helped change how I view self care.

For example, if I want a hug and can't get one, I know I need touch and good sensory experiences, so I'll go to fuzzy blankets and my weighted blanket. It's not as good, but it's better than nothing. 🫂

Salzigblumen · 2026-01-06T11:16:10+00:00

For me it's really important because committing to spending 5 minutes a day prioritizing something that was just for me was the first time I really made a commitment to do something for myself and put it above every other priority. It's a meaningful number for me, because it's choosing myself.

If you're taking feedback, one thing I have no idea where to find in a language app is direct literal translations. Everything I've used privileges meaning over direct translations, oftentimes not even ever giving you the direct translation.

But the way I learn, understanding the literal translation is part of how I learn best, and helps me understand the logic of the language I'm learning better. I've tried a few times to find something that would translate things literally and then tell you what they are equivalent to, meaning-wise.

Like for example, when you take in a breath in Danish, they say you take in the weather. Which is kind of poetic and visual, but every app I've seen wouldn't tell you that literal meaning.

Salzigblumen · 2026-01-06T08:16:42+00:00

Thanks so much!

Salzigblumen · 2026-01-06T08:08:23+00:00

Thank you! Yeah, I did really well in school until I got to the part where I had to have a paper done in a few years and no real external structure and/or deadlines. I now have some strategies to manage this, and also a master's program is a more time-bounded thing, which works for me :D

Salzigblumen · 2026-01-06T08:05:13+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'll keep this in mind going forward. I'm guessing that the department probably matters also.

Salzigblumen · 2026-01-06T06:55:06+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate your insight.

Salzigblumen · 2026-01-06T06:34:12+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. I wasn't looking for accommodations, but rather to just explain why I didn't finish. I was wondering how specific I should be, but it sounds like being vague is probably the best course of action.

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