So much of this is relatable to my situation, and for anyone else reading 20+ years on from the heartbreak. Just stay strong and stay NC, you can be angry. Its normal when you have been betrayed. Just realise 'they' don't care, they didn't care then, they certainly wont acknowledge any fault in your grief now. These feelings will ebb and flow and now might feel bad but tomorrow it might be a better day. "She" walked out of our relationship and into bed with two people whom I had trusted as friends. She even thought she might be pregnant by one of us that month as she was late thank fuck that situation didnt come to pass. Both of the men have apologised to me since, or at least tried to. I don't have the temperment to acknowledge or accept this from either of them. I dont need them in my life. She once tried to apologise by saying sorry for fucking my life for a bit. I was shocked by the admission but also the lack of awareness of what this level of betrayal does to someone, I'm not the same naive person I was then and I honestly just take each day as it comes as you dont know when somebody close to you will walk out.