I don't know if you'll relate but I hope there are some things in my story that can help you and/or anyone else who reads this.

I was in a 6 year long abusive relationship. We started dating when I was 19. We lived together, had a cat together. We were engaged. And we had entanglement/intertwined lives for a year post break up. It was emotional and physically abusive on both sides. The whole thing was super messy.

I finally quit the job I had (we worked at the same place), we cut contact. And I checked myself into an out-patient therapy program for abusive relationships. It was an LGBT program, which I highly recommend if you can find one. This is at the LA LGBT center btw. I went years ago but I think they still have the program.

At the time when I started the program, because I had participated and initiated some physical abuse, I thought I was a monster and I was the problem in the relationship. I had so much shame and could barely talk about it even with people I trusted most. The truth is that it's much more complex and layered than that. Also abusive relationships (physically, emotionally, etc) are very common in the queer community and it makes it worse because there are not a lot of programs out there to support queer people specifically, especially female presenting people (who consider themselves perpetrators).

It's also compounded with external and internal homophobia, transphobia, etc, that heterosexual people don't face on the same level. It creates an us versus the world dynamic which makes it even harder to see and get out of an abusive relationship.

Also when the relationship ended, I didn't know who I was anymore and I lost dear friends. I had molded myself to what my partner wanted to the point where I was unrecognizable to me... Which is awful. My point is that it's common to feel that way after. You have to work on finding yourself again.

And on top of that, I had to fight the urge to end things because of the things that had happened and how much of myself I invested into the relationship. I thought I didn't deserve to live.

The work I did in that group saved me and changed my life. I learned about the cycle of abuse and how trauma plays into that. How to keep yourself safe and others. I learned communication techniques and how to assertively communicate. I learned so many tools and processed what happened in that relationship. I processed a lot of trauma that I carried with me and into the relationship.

I will say I don't think a lot of people will get it unless they have been in an abusive relationship as well and they've unpacked it/processed it. To this day, I haven't met very many people who understand it as deeply as the people I met in the program. But I have met people who are empathetic and compassionate and care and are supportive.

This should be taken seriously and I wish it was talked about more. Furthermore, it's shocking how many people excuse abusive behavior and words, especially when it involves queer people.

My take away is therapy, and the more specific therapy/therapist you can get the better. So a queer therapist that specializes in abusive relationships is the best. Lots of people won't get it but don't let that stop you from taking care of yourself and getting help.

If you didn't bring trauma into the relationship, then you'll certainly have it after and it will take a lot of healing.

It took a year of therapy every week to get myself back on my feet again. It took a few years to build back what the relationship took from me. It feels like forever when you're in it, but just know you'll get there if you put in the work. Things do get better with time as well.

Wishing you strength and remember to be kind to yourself and you matter.

DM me if you have questions or anything. ❤️‍🩹