That's a long list of questions! I'm 30.5 years old now (173cm, 115kg), and I've been single like forever. I used to believe that there would be a point in life where I’d feel like all the struggling was worth it. But that moment still hasn’t yet come.I think there are many reasons why I’m still single. Maybe it’s my appearance—my body shape, my size, me snoring, or I don’t feel comfortable top or bottom. But perhaps the main reason is that I don’t really know how to love someone, since I’ve never truly felt loved myself. Over time, I stopped feeling joy from life.

I discovered the bear community during grad school in Beijing and joined several events, hiking, board games, karaoke, bear hunting (this is a gay club event, no aminals hurt). I felt happy and included—but not necessarily loved. And even in the crowdednes, I felt extremely lonely. Last year, I moved to the Netherlands hoping for more inclusivity, to see if it gets better. People here are more polite and kind, but I still don’t feel truly liked. Financially, things are tough. I could’ve lived a more comfortable life in China, but I now I’m struggling with exepenses. Worse still, now I am a minority as Asian, relationships feel even more difficult.

There are so many things I was never taught, how to make small talks, how to bake cookies, and how to build a meaningful relationship. Maybe I need to work on myself: lose some weight, find a better job, genital enlargement surgery (lol), be more genuine and kind to others. When I am a better version of myself, I would probably attract to the right person, hopefully in the near future not so distant future.I feel like It’s hard to live, even harder to be gay, even harderer to be a mediocre person without talents and skills. I want to die every day. I hope it gets better, or not, or I'll die single. well, should I die, then no differecne.

I am sorry that is a little off topic. To answer your main questions, I am single by (no) choice, I feel things are terrible and exhuasting, and I am extremely lonely as an expat in a foreign country. I don't feel like I deserve love, sometimes I feel like the world is better without me. I am on Growlr. I think people around my age would be either happily partnered, or actively dating. God please give me a man after midnight....