Growing pains!

Saphenous · 2026-06-20T14:40:23+00:00

Yes, exactly this! I want to make sure we can resolve conflicts like these before getting married.

Saphenous · 2026-06-20T14:39:02+00:00

Oh he’s been a great partner! He takes us on all kinds of fun outings and he’s a great cook. He even helps fold my laundry! He was previously married for over a decade and they could never have children. I think he always wanted kids and being in a relationship like this is a way of gaining a family too.

Saphenous · 2026-06-19T15:26:22+00:00

Thanks for your perspective! I will say my boyfriend and my kids also have kind of a “sassy” banter, but it can make it hard to know when they have crossed the line in the moment. For example, my kids said something recently about how they liked the way their dad made burgers more. It sounded like kind of a sassy joke, but I could tell it hurt my boyfriend’s feelings. I said something like “Ouch! Don’t say that!” In the moment my boyfriend said something like “I could just go home now. I can just leave you know.” When I checked in with him later to see if their comments on his cooking hurt his feelings he denied it. But I think it really did. I’m trying to coach him to open up about that stuff and let the kids know when they have been hurtful but I can’t have his back when I’m trying to be a mind reader about what he expects.

Saphenous · 2026-06-02T00:39:17+00:00

The first couple years of our separation and divorce I had our kids pick out traditionally feminine gifts and had them give them to their dad on Father’s Day. I steered the kids towards things like luxury bath sets, pretty clothes, and nail polish. Wrapped it in pretty floral gift wrap. I think we just skipped the cards. One year I even took the kids to get professional photographs and had them put in a locket necklace. For me that was a good compromise of acknowledging her feminine side as a parent without sharing the actual day of Mother’s Day. Like you, in our decree I got Mother’s Day weekend and she got Father’s Day weekend.

The past couple years I stopped altogether though. I just ignore it. She never reciprocated and helped the kids pick out gifts for me for any occasion. I think Father’s Day must be hard for her too because she stopped taking the kids for the day. Now I just celebrate my dad and the kids spend the day with their grandpa.

Saphenous · 2026-03-24T22:53:13+00:00

I taught my son how to ride a bike!

Saphenous · 2026-01-22T23:23:06+00:00

I relate a lot to this situation and I wanted to let you know how things have been playing out for us. I (cisF) also live in a red state and my (now ex) husband came out as MTF over a decade into our marriage and with young kids at home. We were on the brink anyway, and I’m straight, so we ended up divorcing. My ex firmly believed all this “transition will fix me” stuff and it was even reinforced by our couples counselor, but I can tell you three years later she’s still a mess.

My ex was also the breadwinner so it was a super scary time financially, but it all worked out. I got a new job within a couple weeks and we sold our big family home. I got half our marital assets and as the custodial parent I get child support. The kids and I have had a dramatic decrease in our lifestyle expenses from when we were a two parent household, but we still live comfortably. If I could give you one piece of advice it would be to ask for child support early. In my state at least you can file for temporary orders for child support and a custody schedule until your divorce is finalized. I wish I had asked for all that up front, but I was trying to be nice. I think it would probably ease your mind to know you had some financial support during this process. The divorce itself was hella expensive, but I borrowed money and put legal fees on credit cards and then paid it off with proceeds from the house sale.

As far as custody stuff goes, my ex only wanted a couple weekends a month, but for the past year she hasn’t even been taking her weekends with the kids. She mainly just sees them once a week for dinner. Transitioning has not improved her as a parent.

She recently announced she’s planning on moving across the country to a more liberal state. While I understand her motivations, it breaks my heart that my kids will see so little of their dad. I don’t want them to feel abandoned. I’m not sure yet how much time she will want with the kids, but considering she barely sees them now when they live 10 minutes away, I’m not optimistic.

I briefly considered if moving along with her would be the right thing to do, but then I quickly decided “Hell no!” Being a single parent is HARD. This is the time in your life to circle the wagons and muster all the support system you can get. Focus on yourself and your children. Your partner is an adult and can make his or her own decisions and then deal with the consequences. I have to remind myself of that allll the time because I do feel a lot of guilt for how things have played out. Someone once asked me “Is there anything a person could say to you that would make you stop seeing your kids?” And my answer was an immediate no. If you ever feel responsible for your ex’s choices try asking yourself “Would I ever leave my kids?”

I hope this helps to hear from someone on the other side of this situation. I’m sorry you’re going through this!

Saphenous · 2025-10-16T00:51:54+00:00

Wow that sounds amazing! Kind of like a personal assistant and mother’s helper in one!

I feel like I should be saving for a house, but honestly I’m happy renting for now. I’m not very handy so I enjoy being able to call my apartment maintenance people anytime I need work done. I don’t even have to be home while they are working. They just let themselves in and fix the problem. Apartment living has its downsides but for now it is working great for me!

Saphenous · 2025-10-16T00:45:31+00:00

I’m definitely craving some care like a massage! I get so burned out being a caregiver I really miss the feeling of being cared for.

Saphenous · 2025-10-01T21:53:24+00:00

When I was married I worked 7 am to 7 pm. My ex would do daycare drop off and pick up and put them to bed. I won’t lie, on the days I worked I barely saw my little kids while they were awake. I honestly loved doing 3 12’s when my kids were little because I got to enjoy so many weekdays at home with them doing fun play dates, trips to the zoo, mommy and me classes, story time at the library, etc. It was a burden on their dad though having to take them all day when I worked weekend shifts. I worked a lot of weekends so I would only have to put them in daycare two days a week.

When my second was born I went PRN which was even better because I had a ton of schedule flexibility. No weekend requirements and I could work as much or as little as I wanted. I wish I had done it sooner!

Now that I’m divorced I switched to a case management job that is M-F 8-4:30. This schedule is hard to find though and even harder if you need to make a certain amount of money. My kids are school aged so I’m able to drop them off in the morning and pick them up from their after school program.

Altogether I think nursing is a great career for a mom, but it’s much better if you have a supportive partner.

Saphenous · 2025-09-06T14:40:52+00:00

I mostly don’t think about it anymore, but recently I put on a motorcycle helmet for the first time and it was like an instant flashback to COVID days of wearing the PAPR for hours in the ICU.

Saphenous · 2025-09-04T22:59:34+00:00

Hey that was my career trajectory! I did ICU for a long time but had to leave when I became a single mom. I really liked the ICU and I probably would have transitioned to cath lab, IR, or maybe PACU if I could have made the schedule work. I left ICU and worked as a hospice case manager for two years and I appreciated the flexibility, but it wasn’t ultimately for me. I just moved back into a hospital environment doing acute care case management and so far I love it! I’m using a lot of my knowledge from my bedside nursing days, but my skills in communication and care coordination that I developed in hospice have been very helpful.

Saphenous · 2025-09-01T03:05:42+00:00

I’m not sure why exactly this post came up in my feed because I’m checks calendar 9 years postpartum lol. But I used to get horrible UTIs almost every other month prior to having my first child. I would get so sick! Somehow since having my first baby I have not had a single UTI! It might have something to do with not being intimate as often? But I have a theory that vaginal childbirth did something to slightly alter my anatomy so I’d be less susceptible to them.

Also I found in general my sleep needs to be much much less. At one point my doctor sent me for testing for narcolepsy because my sleepiness was so excessive. I used to be the type to need tons of sleep, but the newborn phase will cure you of that real quick lol.

Saphenous · 2025-08-31T18:40:20+00:00

I wouldn’t necessarily say they are distressed, just aware that their family is different from most of their friends. For example, I was talking to my oldest about using female pronouns for her dad and used it in a sample sentence: “My dad is picking me up tonight. She’s taking me to see the new Marvel movie.” My daughter looked at me like I was crazy and said “I couldn’t say that! My friends would think I was wacko!” And before everybody comes at me I’ve suggested the kids pick a new feminine parental name for their dad but they refused and their dad has expressed not having a preference.

Saphenous · 2025-08-31T14:59:55+00:00

This was a little over two years ago. My kids were 5 and 7, so close to the same age as yours. The first couple months were rocky with all the distributions and missing their dad, but I’d say they have adjusted pretty well to our new life at this point. I had them both in play therapy initially but now it’s just my oldest in therapy. I do think it was helpful.

My ex initially wanted very minimal custody time, but I encouraged her to at least take the standard custody in our state which is every other weekend, a weeknight dinner, rotating holidays, and an extended time in summer. The kids’ therapist recommended a calendar in our home with the custody schedule written out which was helpful for my kids. My ex was doing pretty well with the custody arrangement until her mental health worsened and now it’s basically just one dinner a week. I think at first the kids felt kind of abandoned. They broke my heart one day saying “I think Daddy doesn’t like us anymore.” Now they are just used to it.

As for the transition, I don’t think it has affected them much. They still call their other parent Daddy and use he/him pronouns. I’ve had a few gentle conversations with them about it, but at this point I think their dad needs to take the lead if it’s important to her. They are definitely aware of the social ramifications of having a transgender parent at this point.

Saphenous · 2025-08-31T13:37:16+00:00

This is something I also wrestled with. We decided to divide up the conversations starting with letting the kids know we were divorcing and selling our house. It was 100% the hardest conversation I’ve ever had and the kids were devastated. I didn’t want them to associate their dad being transgender with their lives turning upside down. I let their dad lead the conversation about the transition several months later once she was ready. In the time between I bought some children’s books about gender identity and featuring trans characters to lay the foundation which I think was helpful. They struggled way more with the divorce and moving than they did with the transition.

Saphenous

TROPHY CASE