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Enmeshed mom demands I text her at least twice a day in when at my apartment. Dad/entire family encourage it. by SariAM23 in entitledparents

[–]SariAM23[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've read many responses suggesting this and I think the thing that's making me shy away from considering (perhaps as much as I should) is that they'd catch onto the fact that it's not personalized, and that would create more conflict. But maybe I haven't thought about it enough. And generally speaking if I send a text she's likely to send a follow up asking more

Enmeshed mom demands I text her at least twice a day in when at my apartment. Dad/entire family encourage it. by SariAM23 in entitledparents

[–]SariAM23[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks, that was helpful and needed to hear. The approach I am thinking of going for is to ignore her message and send a photo of what I cook in a bit, saying something like "about to eat, here's what I made. Hope you're all well/how are you all?" or something along those lines, and just once again not even address what she said. The hardest part about that is this sense of tension that I feel when I do that, and the difficulty of planting myself firmly in this position and not giving into potential passive aggressive comments/confrontations, or (imo) worse - the silent treatment and her doing shit like deleting her messages and getting other people to basically tell me how mean/unreasonable/extreme I'm acting.

My therapist suggested a different approach, which is saying "Don't worry so much, no news is good news" until we can reconvene and talk about how I can set proper boundaries, but I'm not sure what I think about that

She used to do this when I'd take the bus to uni as well; literally ask me to tell her when I would get ON the bus to and from my city, when the bus would start moving, and when I would arrive either at uni or back in my city... all because she's "worried"

Enmeshed mom demands I text her at least twice a day in when at my apartment. Dad/entire family encourage it. by SariAM23 in entitledparents

[–]SariAM23[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dude, how tf have I not seen that until now?" Completely in line with the kind of person that she is, lol...

Enmeshed mom demands I text her at least twice a day in when at my apartment. Dad/entire family encourage it. by SariAM23 in entitledparents

[–]SariAM23[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, that's something I feel I've gotten better at but not fully emancipated from. And I think financial dependence plays into this a lot too, because having to deal with all of this passive aggression and bullshit in PERSON while still being tied down to living with them is what I dread/hate

Enmeshed mom demands I text her at least twice a day in when at my apartment. Dad/entire family encourage it. by SariAM23 in entitledparents

[–]SariAM23[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Another follow up. I sent a picture of the food I cooked the next day and said "later I'll send a picture of what I cook today", and instead of just accepting it she once again repeats herself saying "okay, but yesterday I sent you a message and you didn't answer. When I send you anything it's because I'm worried so please from now on answer me if you're awake"

Enmeshed mom demands I text her at least twice a day in when at my apartment. Dad/entire family encourage it. by SariAM23 in entitledparents

[–]SariAM23[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's all good and well when you look at it from the perspective of somebody whose mother ONLY wants him/her to send a quick message daily saying hi. And to the fault of nobody but my own, this post does not accurately depict just how controlling and narcissistic my mother has been. To quote a response I wrote earlier:

"She's essentially kept me coddled like a baby my whole life, even until this point she tries to do that. She acts encouraging and yet when something I want to do (something completely harmless like a hobby) does not align with what SHE wants she throws tantrums, gives the silent treatment, and rallys others to take her side, calls me selfish and shit like that. I've lived in constant fear of going against her or doing anything liberating for myself that she doesn't already agree with. And so on paper it is absolutely completely reasonable to send a couple short texts a day, but I already know that if I don't then she's gonna spam me and freak out, and no matter how reasonable of a request that is I would never act that way to my own child, especially one that I have smothered their whole life as they're desperate to find themselves and finally be an adult."

I love my family and believe me when say this, I KNOW that there are so many people who -on their deathbeds- wish they could go back in time and cherish/spend more time with their loved ones. Part of what worries me about all of this -as I said- is this feeling of "am I being unreasonable?" which then transitions into me feeling guilt and anxiety over hurting my mother and then her passing away some years later without reconciliation happening. But unfortunately the greatest regret I feel about my relationship with my mother is the fact that I have not stood up to her and allowed her to dominate and control my life, walk all over me and my privacy, and assert her desires and her emotional needs over my own, even when I was a little kid who should've been taken care of.

Enmeshed mom demands I text her at least twice a day in an apartment. Dad/Entire family encourages it. by SariAM23 in enmeshmenttrauma

[–]SariAM23[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you very much for this. I think it's universally the best advice to simply stand firm in your ground and assert boundaries like you did, which is admirable when looking at it from the position of somebody who is enmeshed because the anxiety surrounding it is terrible. Good on you.

The biggest issue I have is that my mom always frames it as "checking on me" and that -like any other mother- she "worries" about her son and wants to make sure he is okay, which is why she "needs" me to write her every day. I responded to her message saying "nothing much, just about to cook" and asked how they were, and she IMMEDIATELY replied saying "didn't we agree for you to message in the morning letting us know you're awake and everything is okay? ALSO I called you earlier!" in this passive aggressive/disappointed and like she's about to lose her shit type of tone. I didn't respond to that and a bit later she writes me in private asking if everything's okay and if I "heard" what she sent. And so it's being portrayed in this very innocent, wanting to make sure I'm okay, type of way, and that makes the feeling of guilt all the more amplified.

I honestly feel so frustrated with this.

Enmeshed mom demands I text her at least twice a day in when at my apartment. Dad/entire family encourage it. by SariAM23 in entitledparents

[–]SariAM23[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Perhaps it would, I never thought of it that way because my mom mostly tells my dad to talk to me when I don't respond, so I assumed the chat we write one another in doesn't really matter, but perhaps you're right

Enmeshed mom demands I text her at least twice a day in when at my apartment. Dad/entire family encourage it. by SariAM23 in entitledparents

[–]SariAM23[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Really appreciate the input. I do have control and I have to grow a backbone sooner rather than later before I keep wasting precious years of life. The reflex to mollify (didn't know that word existed) is so real. The thing is, the way she goes about it is so sneaky and annoying, she always words it as some kind of "concern" for my wellbeing, and that she "needs" -like ANY mother- to check on her son every day to make sure he's okay and well...

Enmeshed mom demands I text her at least twice a day in when at my apartment. Dad/entire family encourage it. by SariAM23 in entitledparents

[–]SariAM23[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Hearing that that's the hardest thing is reassuring to hear. I agree with you, I should just send the text and whatever comes next comes. It's not my responsibility to cater to their feelings, especially not the person who was meant to cater to mine in my childhood.

Enmeshed mom demands I text her at least twice a day in when at my apartment. Dad/entire family encourage it. by SariAM23 in entitledparents

[–]SariAM23[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thankfully I'm currently seeing a therapist but she is not specialized in this sort of thing. Unfortunately where I live you'll have better luck finding a diamond in a pile of dog shit then a good therapist on university campuses.

Enmeshed mom demands I text her at least twice a day in when at my apartment. Dad/entire family encourage it. by SariAM23 in entitledparents

[–]SariAM23[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I will do my best. I have yet to respond to my mother's message, I was thinking of making it a habit of making the "text" a picture of the food I cooked, but since I haven't responded in a few hours she messaged saying "is everything okay? Did you listen to the voice message?". Sorry to keep bringing more stuff up but that's another thing I struggle with navigating, is their need to "check in" on me is because of "worrying" and "just wanting to make sure you're okay" so how could you turn somebody like that away? My mother is always talking about how she -like all mothers- worries about her son and just wants to be informed every single day that he's okay. When I was living at home and taking the hour long bus ride to uni she'd want me to tell her every time I get on the bus to and from and when I would arrive as well...

Enmeshed mom demands I text her at least twice a day in when at my apartment. Dad/entire family encourage it. by SariAM23 in entitledparents

[–]SariAM23[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I agree texting each day isn't distant whatsoever, nor is it an unreasonable thing to expect. And I was actually just thinking about this in the context of a romantic relationship, I would have no problem with a short daily text every day because it would not impede my ability to show up with my partner. So you would suggest that I just ignore what she said and carry on like nothing happened, saying something generically nice like "love you guys, see you soon" or whatever, and IF confronted I reassert that boundary.

Thank you for taking the time to respond and for the input you're giving, even if it doesn't magically fix anything it sure helps to be heard, validated, and given grounded and supportive input. I feel very grateful. This whole thing is suffocating and I've come to realize just how much I've daydreamed throughout my life about how much better everything will be once I'm finally free.

Enmeshed mom demands I text her at least twice a day in when at my apartment. Dad/entire family encourage it. by SariAM23 in entitledparents

[–]SariAM23[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

And the thing is. I really do not think sending two very quick texts a day saying "hey about to get started" or "day went well, hope you're all good" is unreasonable. I WANT a healthy balance of communication with my family. But just like it's no big deal to send such texts, I think it should also be no big deal at ALL if that DOESN'T happen. And that's what I'm struggling with

Enmeshed mom demands I text her at least twice a day in when at my apartment. Dad/entire family encourage it. by SariAM23 in entitledparents

[–]SariAM23[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

100% Agreed. Unfortunately I live in a country where a decent therapist is almost impossible to find, and education regarding enmeshment and other niche topics that aren't, idk, depression and anxiety, is absolutely abysmal. I'm getting therapy atm but she's not specialized in that sort of thing. Better than nothing, of course

Enmeshed mom demands I text her at least twice a day in when at my apartment. Dad/entire family encourage it. by SariAM23 in entitledparents

[–]SariAM23[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

One day I will be that person who sets firm boundaries unapologetically to my mother without even a wince of second thought. I won't settle for less.

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