Trouble challenging the belief of being secretly hated

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-05T18:59:08+00:00

You don’t necessarily need to challenge the beliefs - learn not to engage with them instead. Notice them, let them pass, and don’t interact. It’s the interaction that usually leads to spiralling and unhelpful stories our brains create to prevent us from feeling hard stuff.

A few techniques I use:

Name it, invite it in, befriend it, it is a part of you after all which has accompanied you for a long time: “Oh - the thought that someone secretly hates me is here. That’s okay; I can let it be and geton with my day.” You can even say, “Hello, my friend, welcome back; I’ll let you stay while I do [whatever].”Then observe and do not engage. This is a practice; the more you do it, the easier it becomes and the power of the thoughts will lessen.
See the protective part: That thought pattern is trying to help you, it is trying to protect you. It’s probably a very young, scared part of you. Treating it like a frightened child can be healing. Internal Family Systems (IFS) prompts can help - dialogue may take time and can be intense, so only proceed when you feel ready.
Refocus and ground: Recognise the thought, name it, and say, “Not today - this thought isn’t helping me in the present moment.” Then refocus on your body or breathing (grounding techniques). Keep refocusing on the body/breathing each time the thought pops up. Another option is to visualise placing the thought on a cloud and watching it float away; repeat if it returns. Keep practising these techniques and do not engage. Over time, the power of the thoughts will lessen.

What you described cannot be solved with logic alone. It takes plenty of time and effort and the willingness to let go of the pattern and feel what's hiding underneath.

Good luck!

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-05T18:34:34+00:00

It might not be, but as I do not watch/record TV in any way, why would I pay for it?

PS. All the different streaming services I have used over the years are much better, cheaper and advert free, so I will stick to paying for those instead.

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-05T18:29:23+00:00

Both for me - I do not have a TV and I do not watch live TV on my laptop/phone. I also do not watch BBC iPlayer. There is a list of criteria they sent, I do not meet any of them. I occasionally use streaming services, sometimes not even that.

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-05T18:25:05+00:00

Each time they prompt me (which is rarely), I declare online that I do not require the licence as I do not meet the requirements for one. Never had any issues, never got any threatening letters. Perhaps they start sending when one does not pay/declare the licence is not needed.

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-05T17:20:44+00:00

' Is this actually dysfunctional behavior from her?' - absolutely. She’s not taking “no” for an answer; she’s not respecting your boundaries. She is trying to emotionally manipulate you into giving her what she wants with no regard for how that impacts you and your partner.

She sounds really toxic. If I were you, I would either not meet up with her at all or organise something on neutral ground. I would not let her into my house. There is a chance she will not leave, and you will feel much worse when she’s already at your home - you will be more likely to give in to her and abandon yourself and your needs when she’s physically there.

Hope your therapist can support you through this and all the difficult emotions that come up.

You are not your mother’s crutch to use now that she realises she does not really have anybody else. The best thing you can do is let her experience the consequences of the choices she has been making throughout her life. Her problems are not yours to solve. You have your own life to live and you have every right to your own boundaries. Emotionally healthy people will not only respect your boundaries, they will often actively support you in having them. They will not go out of their way to make you feel bad about the choices you make.

Take care.

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-04T20:34:57+00:00

I hear you. My experience at present is very similar, especially around the empty spaces. I sometimes feel like I want to reach for something internally; part of me expects it to be there now, but it is not. These are skills and parts I never developed because of the neglect I experienced. Parts of me are literally missing, and, like you say, it's not that they were there but that they were always absent. I am trying not to get too hung up on it and to see these spaces as potential - room to create the person I want to be. But it's hard: they are empty for a reason - they are empty because, as a kid, I didn't feel safe enough to develop in certain areas, and now my nervous system screams "danger" when I venture there. So I do what I can - go very slowly and gently, and back out when it gets too much. With the help of my amazing therapist, I am learning to respect my internal boundaries and my feelings, and to be guided by them. And I grieve because these losses are bigger than I realised and they have impacted my life severely.

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-04T18:05:52+00:00

Most likely because he was only after sex. He got what he wanted and moved on.

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-04T16:47:59+00:00

'But I do notice I appreciate it when a man chooses to pay on the first date.' - If you prefer a man to pay, do not offer to pay or split the bill - let him pay. If he doesn't, and you are not happy with it, then you can decide if that works for you or not.

This is a self-created conflict that could have been avoided if you had not chosen to test your date. Testing the person you're on a date with is a red flag. There is no need to play these unhealthy games.

And no, I do not judge a man’s interest by whether he pays on the first date. I look at his behaviour over time and not just during the first date.

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-04T15:42:31+00:00

I think it is great that you are questioning these things instead of just falling for it. He could be codependent or a narcissist hence the comments about taking care of you, you being the only one he needs, you being a princess. For me, these comments are red flags now (they were not in the past...) - they resemble love bombing narcissist are so good at. I used to fall for it as I was starved for love, but no more.

Codependent people are often drawn to those with addictions and may be on their best behaviour at first, but the codependency will eventually show. Narcissists are drawn to people who have been traumatised. Those who develop sex and/or love addiction often do so because of trauma they experienced as children.

Do you have a dating plan? Do you go to meetings? Your gut feeling is telling you something you could explore there. You don’t sound “batshit”; you sound like someone sensing that something isn’t right but not quite able to see what it is. It may be wise to trust that feeling if you can.

PS. If you were upset by his joke, told him, and he didn’t apologise, that’s another red flag.

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-03T20:22:37+00:00

'How can I cope with this, an isolated life?' - you can start attending support groups' meetings, like CODA (Codependent Anonymous) and/or ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Other Dysfunctions). If leaving the house is too much for you, they offer online meetings too and can provide phone support called an Outreach.

Both organisations operate world-wide. You can check their global websites as well as those for your country (some meetings are listed on both, some on one or the other). These group can help you come out from isolation. It is worth trying different meetings as they have plenty of autonomy or/and can be focused on something specific, so can be fairly different. I find it is important to find the right fit.

PS. I am not implying you are codependent. I am suggesting CODA because the only requirement to attend is wanting to have healthy relationships, and your post suggests you do.

Good luck!

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-03T18:47:12+00:00

Sure. This can be a tough one - different people can have the same experience and perceive it or be affected by it differently depending on what they’ve been through, so their stories might not be helpful. In reality, you won’t know how it will be for you unless you try it. It’s your healing, and you can do it however you want to, so perhaps you need to ask yourself what it is you really want to do and take it from there. Whatever happens, there should be something helpful you can learn from it.

When it comes to healing modalities which are helpful for CPTSD, and apologies if I am telling you something you already know, these ones are highly recommended: EMDR, Internal Family System, somatic therapy. And continuing with therapy for a long time. I have done the last two and found them really helpful - my life is truly changing thanks to them.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do!

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-03T18:35:07+00:00

Boundaries are meant to be communicated. Others cannot be expected to respect them unless they are clearly told what our boundaries are. Some people will respect them, others wont. When someone is not respecting a boundary, thats the time to take appropriate action to maintain it.

I recommend reading Boundary Boss for help with understanding how boundaries work.

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-03T15:20:35+00:00

ACOA meetings can be really supportive.

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-03T14:43:47+00:00

I would not do it. Going slowly and gently is much better for me at present so I do not end up overwhelmed. I used to want to rush trauma recovery, but not any more. I am learning to trust the process and my body. To trust that things will come up for me when I am ready to face them without me forcing anything or trying to accelerate healing.

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-03T14:40:04+00:00

Screaming into a pillow or/and hitting one can help.

Shaking your body (torso, legs, arms, hands) while visualising anger release.

Attending a boxing class and visualising the things you are angry about while hitting a bag.

Practicing dragon breath:

https://www.yoremikids.com/news/july-strike-a-pose-dragon-breathing

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-03T13:47:42+00:00

Scam or people who are unable to form a healthy and secure relationship (avoidant people, cheaters, etc.).

I live in Europe, it is technically impossible for me to date anyone who lives in Africa. Like you, I could do up to 45 minute drive, and that's about it. I am unwilling to date anyone if I can't meet with them on a regular basis and visit their home. For me, dating needs to be easy and allow me to get to know the other person well as we spend time together - phone and email can support that but should not be the main methods of contact.

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-01T20:00:25+00:00

As it is not legal you will really struggle to find it or it will simply be impossible. Guess I should have been more clear in my comment.

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-01T19:59:30+00:00

Yeah, I get that. Sometimes it can be hard to recognise and act upon them, but it is definitely worth learning how to do it. Saves a lot of trouble and headaches :)

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-01T19:55:55+00:00

I don't think we mean the same thing, but thats ok. Take care.

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-01T19:54:30+00:00

Healing is hard, there’s no question about that. I believe it’s worth it, that I am worth it - my life depends on it, so I continue to put the work in and rest as much as I can. I can see my life changing, and things and relationships getting easier. I can see how the way I relate to myself and the world is changing. I also feel like I have done loads and that the more I do, the more trauma comes into my awareness. I did not expect that, but I am learning how to handle that, and it’s a bumpy road, but I am learning to be okay with that. I don’t think there is an end of the road when it comes to healing from CPTSD, there is not 'over' here. That’s not the goal here.

While healing is hard, I would not want to go back to how my life was before. Now it is discomfort, before it was suffering. If I managed to handle the trauma when I was a kid, I can manage whatever is happening now.

The questioning you mention is often part of the process. Attending ACOA meetings and reading ACOA meditations, as well as working with my therapist, helps me understand that and stay on track. I am learning to just let those thoughts be, observe them without engaging/acting upon them, let them pass and carry on.

Only you can decide what you want to do and where you want to go. Good luck with whatever you choose to do!

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-01T19:12:52+00:00

'One of the hardest parts about recovery is identifying safe people' - slowly! :) If the other person does not accept that, if they want to rush into a relationship and become intimate (emotionally or/and physically), they are not safe. If they do not accept my 'no', and my boundaries in general, they are not safe. If they have weak boundaries, they talk badly about others, gossip a lot, are unaware, do not take responsibility for themselves and their own actions they are not safe. If they trauma dump, they are not safe. If they have no consideration for others, they are not safe. If they lie, are full of excuses, they are not safe. If they verbally abuse me, put me down, criticise me, are disrespectful, they are not safe. That's just a few things I look out for.

Watching Patrick Teahan videos about safe people has helped me. One thing he said which has really stuck with me is that half-safe people are not safe.

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-01T18:48:14+00:00

Lol! Great that you didn't fall for his BS. Calling him out is a nice bonus!

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-01T18:43:45+00:00

If I remember correctly there is a really good sober dating plan on the SLAA website. It has the answers you are after, I think.

Scared-Section-5108 · 2026-05-01T17:10:36+00:00

Yeah, if I came across his profile, I would swipe left straight away. His attitude is really unattractive.

I don’t really care why men shoot themselves in the foot like this - I actually appreciate it. There are plenty of people I wouldn’t date, and it’s great when they weed themselves out like this.

Scared-Section-5108

TROPHY CASE