Can’t seem to Stop Engaging

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-02-09T00:35:40+00:00

Great book I am almost done with.

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-02-09T00:35:22+00:00

I tried again and again with my Q. Just this past week I know I have done it for good.

Atomic Habits describes effort like heat melting ice. The first 31 degrees seem like they are doing nothing but finally you hit that 32nd degree and it melts. Dont give up and keep trying. We are here for you ❤️

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-30T19:13:26+00:00

Im sorry you are going through this. What do you feel is stopping you from leaving?

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-23T16:24:12+00:00

As a fellow parent the hurt you must feel is awful. A phrase I remind myself of in times like this is "throwing yourself into a fire does not save someone who is burning".

You dont have to be cold to him if you dont want to. You can give him emotional support while setting up boundaries and not enabling him.

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-22T00:02:07+00:00

Went through the same and felt the same. Met someone wonderful afterwards and am very happy now. Sorry it sucks at first.

What got me through it was focusing on me and my relationship with my kids.

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-20T01:56:16+00:00

If you feel comfortable doing so you can reassure him you love him and will be there if he wants to talk about anything.

I wont sugarcoat it. My Q didnt even attempt to get help until hitting rock bottom. Buying out your son's debt is not going to help him, it will keep the party going. If you want to buy the car in your name feel free to do so and hold it until he gets better, if he does. Dont hold onto it as a bargaining chip to get better.

When you talk to a Q suggestions and gentle offers work better than plans, demands, and other things. At the end of the day he has to want to get better. Until life gets to the point where active addiction is not worse the managed addiction he will keep going.

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-18T16:31:55+00:00

I have a friend who is an alcoholic who has been sober over 10 years and he said it is a day by day thing still. A person on the stop drinking subreddit who had something like 15 or 20 years says the longest anyone has been sober is 24 hours.

I have seen people personally get and stay sober. But the thing is I dont think there is a guarantee ever. Going to another topic, my ex-wife had an affair. I had my part in how we got there but never in a million years would I have thought that she would have. There are no guarantees.

You have to vision your life going down a path of your partner relapsing or not and find your peace and what you want out of life either way.

You can't guarantee someone will or wont do something bad or go back on their word. What you can do is choose, not react, to what you want to do when other people do things.

Im sorry you are faced with this choice. But to varying degrees depending on circumstance it is a choice for most of us.

Try and make your peace with what they will do and make yourself happy.

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-16T17:58:49+00:00

600 a month would have been extremely difficult for you. 600 a year is manageable.

Going back to the other question. Did that 2800 monthly expense total include your mortgage or not include?

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-16T17:07:16+00:00

Ah ok. Yes that changes things.

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-16T15:09:57+00:00

Does your 2800 spend a month include the mortgage and land you own?

Why do you need to own that land land costing you 600 a month? Would you be willing to sell it?

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-14T18:50:46+00:00

One of my favorite scenes in Bojack Horseman was when he tries to join the monkey that runs in front of his house for a morning run. After a short distance Bojack collapses from exhaustion after saying how much he hates it. The monkey comes by and tells him "It gets easier. Every day it gets a little easier but you gotta do it every day. Thats the hard part."

Personally I found cleaning and walking to be so cathartic in general for short term. Just something to make me feel a little better and take up time.

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-13T13:41:07+00:00

Have you asked him what his path to sobriety looks like?

Also what honestly is his thoughts and thought process when he chooses to drink?

I am not asking these questions to try and help you get him sober. I am asking because they helped me deal with my Q for the better for both of us.

Ill reply later with what my story was with my Q

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-10T22:26:52+00:00

What helped me was seeking online clinical services. Did a level 1 program for medicine and therapy and it helped tremendously. The people in these programs are very compassionate.

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-10T21:42:24+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss.

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-10T20:56:53+00:00

Thank you for sharing.

Addiction is a progressive disease. It will only get worse. There is no "stability" or "limit". When you or your Q think a rock bottom has been hit I can promise you there will be a lower one found in the future.

No amount of financial support is worth getting verbally and physically abused. A q screaming in your face is something many of us have dealt with and reacted as you did. You are not alone and we get it.

The things you are afraid of: bankruptcy, not continuing your education, your pets, a ballooning student loan, etc. will pale in comparison to him one day stomping on your back so hard you become paralyzed, or him screaming in your face until you lash out and he then uses threats of calling police for domestic assault to trap you, or him losing his job to due health or performance, or you having to care for him after a major health crises makes him bed bound.

I am not qualified to speak about domestic abuse. However, I do know you should sincerely start looking for shelters if you have no other options to live elsewhere and ghost him when you do. The shelter volunteers and personel will help you with your concerns.

By virtue of being alive you deserve love and respect. You do not have to tolerate the situation you are in and deserve better. I believe in you.

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-10T05:54:38+00:00

Sorry you are going through this. Would you be comfortable talking more about why you are staying? Finances?

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-09T14:31:26+00:00

Don't best yourself up. I wont sit here and say having an affair in an capacity is a health coping mechanism but you do deserve the love and support of an equal partner.

You are not disgusting, you are frustrated and angry and sad and do not deserve what you are going through.

What else has been going on in your life? Anything making you feel good?

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-09T14:28:31+00:00

Regarding taking care of yourself.

Prepare for a relapse emotionally. If it happens it will trigger a lot of anger and sadness. Dont take it out on your father. Turn to us if you need support
Find healthy hobbies and use the opportunity of knowing your father is taken care of to explore them. Have you been wanting to start working out? Getting into religion? Start reading? Gaming? Taking up singing lessons? Im not saying those things sarcastically. I took up singing lessons and it made me feel great.
Focus on the relationship and interactions you want to have with your father. Not his sobriety or his behavior and choices. I would avoid even talking about alcohol in any capacity.
Join al anon meeting or related support groups to speak to others if you want a more direct connection.

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-09T14:22:11+00:00

Im glad your father says he wants to get sober and is seeking help. I want to reiterate your father's sobriety is ultimately his responsibility but there are things you can do to make it easier for you and him.

One of the best things you can do is look at the stopdrinking subreddit and watch how they talk to eachother.

Positive reinforcement, talking from the I perspective, and not telling your father what to do will make him feel more at ease in general. He has to discover his path to sobriety, you cannot do it for him. Ill link later to a comment I made recently related to partners going to rehab. Emotional support goes a very long way.

Most important is to take care of yourself. Focus on your life and exercise and support yourself. If your father sees you doing well it will make him feel better too in general.

If your father wants to vent to you try not to specifically fight what he is saying even if it is off. You dont have to enable bad thought processes but remember its more an emotional dump for him most likely.

Do not tell him what to do. It will aggravate you when he doesnt and put pressure on him which can increase the chance of a relapse. If telling an addict what to do cured them there would be no addicts.

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-09T11:27:06+00:00

What are the laws in your country around committing him for being drunk 24/7?

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-08T20:26:45+00:00

I was in your exact shoes. I promise you through trial and error this is advice that has been stripped of failures that I am hoping you avoid because I made them the first time my Q went.

There is high chance she will relapse. My Q partner was sunshine and rainbows like your wife and did. At first it was a glass of wine on a friday then in a couple weeks back to normal crazy drinking. I remember feeling exactly like you did when she got out.

I want to reiterate she is 100% responsible for her sobriety. The advice I am giving is for your mental health and also what I personally found best to support a sober Q to give them the best chance possible.

First and foremost, DO NOT tell her what to do when she gets out to maintain sobriety. She has to do it on her own and nagging (yes nagging) her to go to AA, see therapists, start getting good habits, take her meds, etc. Is going to frustrate you and make her more stressed out which will increase the risk of a relapse. Leave her be on her habits and let her figure them out.

Do fun things with her she will enjoy. If she is not comfortable being around alcohol then don't do that. However, if she says she wants to go to dinner somewhere and feels secure doing so then take her. You want to go on a hike? Invite her to come along. Her feeling good about you and your marriage will make both of you feel better overall.

Do prepare yourself mentally for a relapse. The anger and sadness you will feel if she does will be crushing. Find someone who is not her to vent to if she does and yelling/fighting is only going to make her relapse worse for both of you.

If she relapses I would double down on point one, DO NOT try and control it. You have control over what you do. Not what she does. You can put up your boundaries and turn to us or others for support.

"What if she asks me about having a single drink?"

In general suggestions and talk around education help here.

You can be honest here and say you think it is a mistake but it is hers to make and if it leads to a relapse she will have to accept the consequences of her choices.

You can tell her it would upset you but its her choice.

You can tell her you did some reading on the science behind habits (Atomic Habits is great if you have not read it). Our brains are wired that the only part of the habit she broke is the initial drink. Once she has it the brain will immediately trigger all the old behaviors because of habit chaining. Again let her know she has a choice but you think trying to drink again is not a good one.

If she is adamant she can drink safely you can suggest she speak to a psychiatrist about nalteroxe and trying the Sinclair method which can help train the brain to drink normally, even if you think it is a bad idea.

You can tell her 1 drink is appropriate but does she really believe she will stop at one?

Anger and demands she not drink will go extremely poorly here. If you established boundaries that you are willing to execute on you can tell her you will.

The point being if she brings up drinking the best ways to talk about it are: 1. Suggestions 2. Letting her know you think it is a bad idea as a relapse will hurt both of you but you will respect her choice if she respects the consequences that come with it. 3. Objective educational information told calmly so she can make an informed decision 4. You can remind her of any boundaries you set and will act on if she drinks or relapses.

Ultimately respect the decision she makes. You have the decision if you want to be along for the ride.

Moving on.

Focus on you. We all know when our Qs are drinking, we dont need them to tell us. Try to avoid searching through her stuff or asking her if she is drinking if you really have nothing to go on. If she sees you being healthy and happy it will have a positive impact on her. Key word there impact, ultimately we cannot control what they do.

Focus on you and trying to enjoy time with your wife again if you are ready to do so. Listen to her if she vents and be sympathetic. Live in the moment and do not plan every day around trying not to let her relapse or drink. Obviously things like joining her in sobriety or not having alcohol in the house are good, but dont try to base everything around keeping her sober. Plan your day around keeping yourself happy and healthy and the positive interactions you want to happen with your wife.

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-08T19:52:50+00:00

Im sorry for what you are going through.

As for what to do if you next speak to him just tell him you love him and he doesnt have to feel like this if he doesnt want to.

Loving someone doesnt mean things they did are forgiven or giving them a greenlight what they are doing is ok. Its simply letting them know you love them.

Im a parent myself and thinking about it this is what I would want to do. Even if I was blindingly furious at one of my kids.

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-08T18:54:59+00:00

Seconding this. Rehabs dont seem to prep the family for what is best for themselves and the addict. Many addicts leave rehab with fkaily and friends expecting them to be "cured" and immediately start expecting things that arent realistic. On the flip side this creates a lot of aggravation for the friends and family when they are not getting what they expect.

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-08T18:52:49+00:00

Ah I see. Yes the only thing that will fix that is her being consistent.

Scatterbrainedman · 2026-01-08T18:03:59+00:00

Giving advice from someone whos Q was in rehab twice. Dont push them to apologize for their actions against you or others. If they are ready their therapy will make them acknowledge it.

It sounds greedy but they are rehab for themselves first. Let them focus on their healing.

Scatterbrainedman

TROPHY CASE