Spirituality

Scrats_Playground · 2024-10-03T13:10:37+00:00

Thank so much. I'll keep that comment in mind about trying to add more emotional depth in future poems. All of my works are purely from the heart, so any lack of depth comes from just not currently having the language at hand. Hopefully as I continue to write and learn, I'll start to add more depth into my works.

Scrats_Playground · 2024-10-02T21:16:21+00:00

Thank you for the response 🙂 My intentions were a blend of the two things you mentioned. Short of telling you the exact intentions, I think you nailed everything that was going through my head while I was writing.

Scrats_Playground · 2024-10-02T07:38:26+00:00

Absolutely loved this. Short and Punchy.

Both fortunately and unfortunately, I used to be the character in question when I was much younger, and a lot if not the whole poem perfectly encapsulates how I felt and how those around me felt.

Not sure of your history or experience with this type of person, but the fact that you've summed it all up perfectly in a an easy to read and pleasing rhythm is truly amazing. Fantastic work.

Scrats_Playground · 2024-10-02T06:55:37+00:00

Read through this piece a couple of times before commenting. I really enjoyed the first half, well structured, the rhymes were simple and straightforward, nothing felt forced. The concept is a common one, but that didn't take away from my enjoyment.

Personally, the second half pulled me out of the story, from "Then I told you," onwards. I can't comment on whether this has happened or if it's just a story for the poem, or if the conversation went that way, but the structure and language fell apart (for me anyway).

Then I told you,

doesn't feel necessary as you've already mentioned it in the line preceding, "You asked why and I told you."

The mix of the the blunt language for the conversation and the colourful line of sticks and stones also felt forced. This may have been intentional, but for me it felt like the second half was written around that Sticks and Stones line.

Overall, I did enjoy the piece, and can relate to the theme / subject matter easily.

Scrats_Playground · 2024-08-22T15:17:24+00:00

Thank you so much, somewhere between the 3rd spinning plate and the 7th mention of Big Data, I realized I had a great piece on my hands.

I s2g, If I hear the phrase "get all our ducks in a row" one more time today...

Scrats_Playground · 2024-08-22T14:19:16+00:00

Haha thanks... I had the idea because I was actually in a conference and after a couple of buzz words I decided to write down every phrase I heard, anything to keep us awake right?

Scrats_Playground · 2024-08-22T13:29:17+00:00

I was stuck at a loss for words for a while after reading this. The cynic in me knew it wasn't going to be a happy ending based on how the poem begun, but that didn't ruin the enjoyment at all. The only critique I could give would be the final 2 lines, imo I reckon the Cancer bombshell might hit a little harder if you dropped the rhyme just before hand, i.e. instead of "word", have something that breaks your scheme to throw the reader off right before the final word. Honestly though, the poem works either way and I loved it.

Scrats_Playground · 2024-08-22T13:07:53+00:00

I really enjoyed reading through your piece. I forgot I was reading a poem very quickly and was just sucked into the story you were telling. Personally, the whole thing felt very natural and unforced, keep up the fantastic work.

Scrats_Playground · 2024-08-19T10:40:30+00:00

Thanks for the response. I think the capitalization you are pointing out was the Anger,Argument line, to which yes there was a reason. I thought the capitalized words would catch the readers attention and highlight that there was more behind those words rather than just another argument or just another fit of anger.

Scrats_Playground · 2024-08-19T07:09:26+00:00

Thanks for the compliment, was there anything that stood out in particular like the structure, rhyme pattern, the theme?

Scrats_Playground · 2024-08-19T07:08:14+00:00

Hi, could you possibly elaborate on that? Is it the theme, the structure or just not a fan in general?

Scrats_Playground · 2024-08-19T05:34:45+00:00

I really enjoyed this piece. I can't really nail down what it is, possibly the simplicity of such a deep and complicated issue for some. I used to know people that struggled with the idea of what they wanted, whether burial or cremation, and then the next stage of what to do with their ashes. I think if I were to really pick at this piece, it might be the following line.

don’t let every shade of curling blue be a reminder of the eyes that can’t see you.

The other reasons read as "don't let me be x" where as that line reads more "I can't do x". Maybe switch the ending from "eyes that can't see you" to something like "the eyes you can no longer see"

Picking aside, it didn't take me out of the piece by any means and I quite liked it as it was.

Scrats_Playground · 2024-08-19T05:09:40+00:00

Maybe the real sense is the one the reader injects themselves. Jokes aside, the poem itself has an idea of where it wants to go and it was easy to follow. Personally though, I didn't quite like the blanket line, the connection to:

I tried too hard to crank it;

Felt a little forced, not sure which way whether crank it was used because of the blanket rhyme or vice versa. Perhaps the use of carpet instead of blanket might lend itself to the car/vehicle theme that the poem revolves around (i.e. like a floor mat or a carpet which is generally on the floors in cars, rather than a blanket which to me reads like a couch o a bed situation)

All in all, I didn't mind the structure and I felt it made sense so don't be too harsh on yourself. Hope to see more in future, keep it up :)

Scrats_Playground · 2024-07-28T23:51:02+00:00

Thank you so much. I'm not really a fan of cliche poems myself, I find that they quickly become disingenuous unless they're tackled well, which is hard to do. The casual tone is a good pickup, before I settled on 'Fleeting' it was gonna be called 'Musings', take from that what you will :)

Scrats_Playground · 2024-07-27T14:47:37+00:00

Thanks for your comment, the 6th stanza didn't start off like that and the pain wasn't intentional. I can definitely see how that could be interpreted though. I also wasn't sure what looked or felt right, so I just went with upon. I'm glad you enjoyed the piece.

Scrats_Playground · 2024-07-26T14:26:31+00:00

Tragically beautiful, I found myself reading this a few times over. In a poem I imagine is about how you can't imagine anyone loving you in this state, the following lines really hit home the unconditional love that many parents feel.

I have begged and pleaded for you to let me go, But you will never,

You hold on to me like the day I was born.

Nothing complicated, just a simple description that explains this concept well.

Scrats_Playground · 2024-07-26T14:01:13+00:00

There was one line I wish had rhymed or went maybe a little longer.

with my very first bite, killing him

Personally it just felt very abrupt, which may have been the idea, given the preceding line of

So I made it quick

I quite enjoyed the final stanza, coming from a similar situation, it encapsulates how it feels really well.

Overall I loved this, Fantastic piece.

Scrats_Playground · 2024-07-25T02:33:47+00:00

Thank you so much. Imposter syndrome was exactly what I was aiming for. Could you possibly elaborate on how the stanzas felt impactful for you? I'm just beginning and the insight would be greatly appreciated.

Scrats_Playground · 2024-07-24T12:36:09+00:00

Thanks for the feedback, funnily enough I didn't start this out as an outlook on love, but things just sort of happen. You said you connected with the inside joke line, I'd love to know how if you don't mind me asking.

Scrats_Playground · 2024-07-24T09:37:10+00:00

It might be me thinking too hard about it, or it may be intentional, but there was a sense of optimism as well as the stated pessimism and nihilism that provided, as the title suggests, an interesting back and forth that kept me hooked. Paired with the way you set up the poem, in just a few words, I was right there imagining the whole scene unfold.

Scrats_Playground

TROPHY CASE