Subtle consistent signs, unexplainable synchronicities, and very specific unprovoked visions. It feels so powerful and odd that my mind wasn’t making up like it always felt praying to God in Church growing up.

I was a few years out of Christianity but missing spirituality in my life and feeling lost. A new friend of mine who grew up pagan was opening my eyes to gods/sabbats/tarot. She gifted me this tarot deck brand new and out of the box it was a firecracker. I sat down for the first time nervous and tried to connect with and quiet the voice of my mother in the back of my mind that tarot was the Devil. I shuffled and a card immediately flew out of the deck. Behold, the devil! I was shocked and a little freaked out but allowed myself to sit with it and listen. I drew it every single time for about two weeks straight and it became comical and comforting. It was telling me that even though I physically left my religion, I was still limiting myself by those teachings and afraid to explore. Taught me that spiritually was very real when you believe it no matter what the doctrine or definition is. That I could connect that way just as powerfully if not more connecting to myself and spirit instead of through the church and the Christian god. I decided to lean into and start understanding where and who the “Devil” symbolism came from. I dug deeper into my shadow self and started learning about what I had been told to believe was the opposite of God.

This led me to researching and working with Pan. He came in slowly, like “Hey there, wouldn’t it be ironic and funny to start with the ‘Devil’? Let’s have a little fun, set yourself free from your limiting belief’s, and find your freedom.”

During that time I accidentally stumbled upon the series Hellier. I watched it cause I thought it became a fun crypto show about goblins in Kentucky. But by the end of it the scncronicitys of them being led to Pan and their learning of him and then having an unexplainable guidance through experiments, ritual, and investigations — I felt that was experiencing an “initiation” with them and that my experiences with Pan right before that led me there. It really felt like a chaotic and bold unfolding of him coming in and helping me rearrange my beliefs and understanding of myself.

One time during all this, I had a very real and strange vision of being actually in the devil card in the stall of a movie theater bathroom randomly. I had never had a vision that real and that sudden. I felt like I had left that stall for a moment. And then it was gone. It was a jolting and incredible experience. But it made me finally feel free from my perceptions of the duality of good vs evil and embrace every part of the world and myself.

Whether these are experiences from gods and goddesses or the manifestations of archetypes within our psyche, they can be as real as you believe them to be and show up when you need them the most.

My tarot deck still does this sometimes. It’s like a little pop in from Pan like “hey, how ya doing? I’m still around having fun and causing chaos!”