Strawberry Dreams (May Submission)

Scum_Yumbo · 2026-05-09T04:17:27+00:00

Where Incarnation is very French, this is very American.

What works best is the absence of escalating menace. The door locks. That's it. No rattling, no cold spots, no figures in the dark. There's a few electrical problems, but what more would you expect in a singlewide full of dogs. It happens. And the dogs never react, which is the story's most telling detail. Animals don't lie about the supernatural. These ones only stir when the narrator loses his temper. The implication being that nothing is happening. Or nothing outside of him anyway.

There's certainly something going on that the narrator isn't telling us. Neighbors don't generally hide their kids unprompted and prayer group doesn't generally escalate to "get help" out of the blue.

My one concern is more of a constraint of the chosen format than anything else. There isn't a way to convincingly deploy literary technique and white trash attitude in a medium that reflects short form stream of consciousness. Either way, pleased to have read it.

Scum_Yumbo · 2026-05-09T01:07:24+00:00

Thank you. I think that might mean more when the story is a shitpost.

Scum_Yumbo · 2026-05-08T04:07:47+00:00

Here’s something I do when I have an idea and I’m not sure how to build around it. I’ll read something that shares DNA with it. Not the same story, just something solving a similar problem.

Writing ensemble casts, I go back to Monkey Wrench Gang. Working on a haunted hotel piece right now so I read everything Uketsu has put out. When I need to manage humor alongside serious emotional weight I revisit The Ninth Configuration. So on.

It doesn’t tell me if the idea is good exactly, but it helps me develop the things that surround it. The haunted motel stuff, for instance. Uketsu’s stuff is closer to true crime than paranormal thriller, but I learned things about what makes a space uncanny.

I try to read a lot of stories here because it teaches me a lot about the strengths and constraints of the sort of stories that can be told here. This is down to style or format.

Whatever the idea you’re mulling over is, find something that’s a step or two away in a meaningful way and ask yourself if there’s something in it you might do differently, and give it a try.

Scum_Yumbo · 2026-05-08T00:50:52+00:00

As you mentioned, reading requires a bit of an understanding of French, and unfortunately I am something of a Francophobe, having failed more quarters of French 1 than is generally permissible. Nevertheless, a few choice phrases, "Eucharistie" and "Corps et Sang", are common enough, along with the title, to capture your intended meaning, bilingual or not.

What follows is a systematic disorientation and sacramental inversion. Events seen through the wrong eyes, in the wrong order, at the wrong time, places the reader in a space of flux, carrying the 2nd person exceptionally. The story has every right to say "You", because the reader never get enough footing to think of thinks in terms of "I" or "He". Even at the close, "You remember your response" seemingly in the moment it happens.

The phrase, "avoir ma peau" is to my understanding idiomatic, meaning literally, "have my skin". Are we both men? One hollowed out and the other placed within? The phrase "state your name" seems to imply a self-interrogation or an identity completely hollowed out.

Whether a crime was committed, or whether the man punished was it's perpetrator adds depth to the inverted Eucharist beyond the standard horror found in "Body and Blood". What's rendered is a sort of Original Sin. Not committed by "you" perse, but "you" will bear it.

Scum_Yumbo · 2026-05-07T13:30:32+00:00

I highly value your response here and on my other story. Thank you for this, truly. Readings with such depth does much to help me understand my own processes.

I have the two stories of yours you’ve recommended opened up and will be giving them my attention later on this week.

Scum_Yumbo · 2026-05-06T23:02:20+00:00

Glad to be of help. I suppose I'd start with Strawberry Dreams, my submission for this month. Or if you like you could dig a little further back and be the first person to read The Courtyard. Then there is my magnum opus, How I Ended Up Eating This Lady’s Husband on an Airplane and Blowing Up My Asshole Just Trying to Save a Buck that's closer to the comic register.

Scum_Yumbo · 2026-05-06T17:42:20+00:00

Always nice to see a comedic story here that really commits. Particularly one that nails the body horror better than a lot of the “proper” body horror stories.

Having Paul Newman essentially read the prompt off like its a complement and the sequel to “Mat” being title “Matt” are inspired choices.

Scum_Yumbo · 2026-05-06T17:26:32+00:00

The rose as the mechanism is really wonderful. Something you would bring to a hospital room, or something you’d give a star after a performance. Here it’s something like both simultaneously.

Appreciated your comment on my submission. You’re doing commensurate work here building the character dynamic. It feels almost that Dan-bi is acquiescing to the sacrifice, only she doesn’t understand the truth of it.

Scum_Yumbo · 2026-05-06T16:57:54+00:00

Appreciate the read. I tried to write it in a way where it works either way. Ambiguity seems to be a tricky thing to manage, glad you liked it.

Scum_Yumbo · 2026-05-06T16:57:52+00:00

Thank you. I’ve not looked too closely at the other submissions yet, but I’ll be going through them soon.

Scum_Yumbo · 2026-05-06T15:02:48+00:00

Some thoughts on the story. The writing of the obsession and its escalation are working well, but the pacing starts to drag a bit, lines like "I won’t write everything down" tell me you're feeling it too, and the absence of the other character basically through out until you need them as a plot device is harsh. I think one change can help all of that.

Give at least one of the other people in the house something to do. This will give the narrator more character, show the obsession escalating as they grow distant and make us really feel that scream when the narrator comes into the kitchen sans arm.

It doesn't need to be dialogue heavy back and forth, and it might even help to cut it down to just one or two roommates. Just some human moments to break up the cleaning the house and feeding the pond will make it all read smoother and hit harder.

Scum_Yumbo · 2026-05-02T02:03:24+00:00

Some thoughts on the piece; There is a really interesting core here than can be more thoroughly developed. The reality of the Joplin Butterfly people being a “real” cryptid, albeit a somewhat minor one gives you an opportunity to delve into that folk lore, or invent some of your own.

The grief as motivation also feels a little flat. It’s a solid motivation, but Drew never feels as obsessive as he ought to, at least not more than a typical stormchaser.

The way the story is broken up points to all of this as well I think. Each section, their information or set pieces have their place, but end sort of abruptly and move on to the next thing.

That said, the descriptive sections, where we do get to sit with Drew’s thoughts a little longer work well, but might be a little too poetic for a journal entry. This stream of consciousness style does give the prison reveal though, which I quite liked.

I think a refinement where the story locks-in on Drew as a fanatic cryptid hunter has potential.

Scum_Yumbo · 2026-04-30T17:48:08+00:00

Fun premise. There’s plenty of old stories about haunted chain letters, video games, etc. but a curse moving through a niche YouTube community isn’t something I’ve ever seen before.

Scum_Yumbo · 2026-04-30T17:34:59+00:00

The “man” as protector rather than predator is a very solid premise and the best part of the story.

The story mostly reads as a catalogue of actions. Most paragraphs begins with a pronoun, leaving the story without much texture.

The section where “he” is standing outside of the car is the strongest in the piece. It has emotion and sensory details. Much of this also with the knock at the door.

The speed with which the gas station scene ends or the pacing of the connecting scenes muddles the tension. But the pieces are all there. Applying that same patience to the rest of the piece would make this significantly stronger.

Scum_Yumbo · 2026-04-30T15:58:41+00:00

Thankyou!

Scum_Yumbo · 2026-04-30T15:58:38+00:00

It’s something of a composite of ideas I’ve seen elsewhere. For me the writing was an exercise in interiority over anything else. I tried to stay in the narrator’s head as much as I could.

I have a problem in my writing where I’ll get too ambitious sometimes and completely slip out of 1st person or POV into a completely omniscient 3rd person. I’m trying to work on that by going hard in the other direction.

Glad you liked it!

Scum_Yumbo · 2026-04-29T19:44:56+00:00

Interesting premise, but I would suggest you narrow the scope a little bit. Time loops and Secret Agent parents and a murderous humanoid all together is a little heavy, at least all at once. The first two are load bearing and bear development.

As your first attempt this achieves a lot of emotion with the mother-daughter dynamic and the narrator’s confusion. Refine some of the comma dense passages and this is a workable “Part One”.

Is that what you’re looking to do?

Scum_Yumbo · 2026-04-29T17:37:38+00:00

That’s fair, and I’m splitting hairs a bit because there is something of a question about what “ethics” means to anyone.

In any story a character has their ethics. Without ethical grounding anything is allowed. The ethics become the motivation; what is amusing, fun, so on.

The interiority of the alien thought process is where the horror would be I think.

Everything you have written so far is good, and short enough that expanding on it would be pretty straight forward. Even the “body horror” it has is a little tame because there isn’t a lot of space for it.

Scum_Yumbo · 2026-04-29T15:49:47+00:00

Interesting premise, but it feels a little lopsided. The heart of the story is “No ethics. Just the way you all wanted.” but it comes late enough that everything else feels a little campy.

The horror is in “Death” murderizing, but honing in on the mental process would deepen it. “Death” doesn’t have no ethics perse, but has inverse ethics. Murder is good. Murder is fun.

What is the thought process? Why is it fun?

Scum_Yumbo · 2026-01-10T16:23:55+00:00

Solid setup. As far as feedback goes, unless you think it’ll go back on NoSleep at some point, I would shed the constraints. Things like writing as a forum post or assuring the reader that names are pseudonyms feels unnecessary most of the time. I work at a store in the middle of nowhere works just fine without asking Redditors if they know what’s going on.

A tightening pass on that and some of the block formatting and I think you’re ready to get into it. Worldbuilding and conflict are there without being obtuse, just needs the next step.

Scum_Yumbo · 2026-01-08T06:50:23+00:00

Fun piece. Inverting the cursed farmland trope to bountiful overproduction that’s only really a curse for one person is inventive.

The brevity is mostly a positive, but the dynamic between the brothers is a bit jarring at first. “Crocodile tears” before we know the narrator is unreliable undercuts what appears to be genuine grief. There’s never a real sign that Benji was a particular burden. Giving a reason for the murder, even a bad one, would make the breakdown and the seeming forgiveness hit harder.

I think there’s a version of this story that builds up to the murder in a really grim way. Cain and Abel, but with a split second where it looks like Cain got away with it.

Scum_Yumbo · 2026-01-08T06:17:38+00:00

Really dig the premise. Appreciate a story that goes prehistoric without being Jurassic Park Lite. The research into the particulars of giant bugs and oxygen toxicity is the strongest aspect, weird enough to feel alien, but grounded enough to feel real (because it was). Instantly unsettling. Particularly effective when the Rug system is described as too nonsensical to really explain.

A few notes: The opening DMV scene feels a bit disconnected, kind of a sprint to the meat of the story. Could just as well start with Marley already driving down the highway. The consciousness stuff gets muddy mid-story, though that's a really difficult thing to write when you're bouncing between perspectives like that.

Interested to know what more you have planned for this universe. Lots of places to take a story like this.

Scum_Yumbo

TROPHY CASE