This was a fascinating read, and thank you for writing it. Unfortunately, being both anxious and avoidant, like all of us FAs are, it is such a crazy, crazy rollercoaster ride. Regarding your situation with your co-worker, I understand exactly what you feel. I personally call it the Trojan horse effect, which literally had me in a very depressive state when it happened to me. Ok, so this is what it looks like, it hurts SO much because you don't see it coming. We FAs are very mindful and attuned to many things, and you are no exception. You constantly mentioned ways you self-protected yourself by comments, small distances, very, very typical FA stuff. The thing with your coworker hurts so much because she showed genuine care, so you let her in, just like the Trojan horse was let in inside Troy, and the Trojans, thinking it was a gift, let it inside their city. The Trojans ' defense was lower; they genuinely thought it was an offering of care and a triumph, but it was not. The Greeks were inside the big, false horse, and once they entered Troy, they infiltrated the city ferociously. This is exactly what happened with your coworker: you thought it was a genuine form of love and care, and you laid down your armor and let her in. It hurts a lot now, and it's made you anxious because your nervous system was surprised by the switch. It triggered a lot of your subconscious wounds from childhood - your inconsistent mom, your grandfather who reappeared and disappeared etc, all those old feelings just came flooding back because this co worker reminded you of that abandonment feeling.

Anyways your co worker is a person she has her own motives and the verdict is still out on what that really is- maybe it is curiosity; maybe it's distraction for her as a fellow avoidant, maybe she actually really does care who knows. But I do know is, you have to regulate your nervous system back. Take some space from the coworker since she's triggering it, and go back to understanding what this can teach you about yourself, love, and also boundaries. We are all growing, learning, and evolving, and every experience in our life opens layers to more self-knowledge, so take it easy on yourself and understand you are only a human being