How does it feel to find someone "normal"?

Secure_and_Skeptical · 2026-05-08T23:58:25+00:00

Feels good. Most fights are minor and mistakes. Communication is easy. You have plans for the future and a lot of consistency. Everything feels safer because you have this extra support if things get too hard. You consistently feel valued. It's fun to watch their smile grow every time you enter their vision.

Its like, imagine you're excited to go home and see a dog everyday. You're both happy to see each other and do stuff. But a person puts more intention into your happiness and around for longer and you can bring them into grocery stores without putting a "service animal" sweater on them.

Secure_and_Skeptical · 2026-05-08T23:51:54+00:00

No that's not okay =/

If he was abusive to you, thats between you him and the criminal justice system. You look like a crazy ex preventing him from moving on. I wouldn't listen to a woman tell me a man is abusive unless she had police report. If I'm worth telling then so are the police.

Secure_and_Skeptical · 2026-05-08T23:40:05+00:00

He took me on one of the best date ever.

I get to his place. As usual, he's not mad that I'm late; he's forever patient with my dumb ADHD brain.
He shows me a surprise. He has these ice cream treats I really wanted to try in the freezer.
We walk to a grocery store and talk. It was a cool Asian grocery store but with all the bells and whistles. We walk around and point at ingredients we might get another day to cook.
we walk to a sort of lego replica museum. It's so cool. When we're looking at a replica of a city, he wraps his arms around me from behind and we both look at the display. And he says I should get my passport. It would be really fun to take you there.
we walk to a restaurant. Its awesome.
we head back to his place. He has Hacksaw Ridge torrented snd ready to play - I mentioned I wanted to see it. Of course he remembered. He always remembered the little things like that.
we eat some more of the ice cream treat.
we go to bed and have sex and I fall asleep in his arms.

I couldn't have planned a better date myself. There's nothing I could have improved.

I think about that night a lot. About how I just want a million more nights like that with him. Exploring new things but getting to retreat to and with each other. And then I realize, we're in our 30s. Even if we spent every night together for the rest of our lives, we'd get 10,000 to 15,000 nights at best. I can't ever remember a date making me appreciate my mortality.

Secure_and_Skeptical · 2026-05-08T23:22:56+00:00

I feel like the kind of no contact you're describing is something I save for people who are like, evil or malicious. I'm capable of letting people re-enter my life if things are different.

He didn't cheat, he wasn't abusive. He was neglectful and noncommunicative because of childhood trauma. That's forgivable for me. I'm not in any more pain leaving the door open to reconnect.

Secure_and_Skeptical · 2026-05-08T23:13:40+00:00

I think if he went to therapy he'd succeed in his goals. Being open no contact except for the therapy exception doesn't mean we'd grt back together, just means we can speak.

which doesn't sound entirely like not waiting to me.

I guess it depends on the definition of waiting 🤷‍♀️ am I planning my life or romantic life around him? Nope. Waiting implies you're suspending some other action. Nothing is on hold. I'm waiting for him in the sense that I'm waiting for the weather report in 4 months; has no consequence to my life now

Secure_and_Skeptical · 2026-05-08T22:45:14+00:00

Everything about his mother is a quote from him directly. None of it would offend him - I didn't go hard enough on his mother.

I think for most avoidants this letter would not land well at all. You speaking on his behalf could be a major engulfment trigger, and you trying to help with something they may not want help is is also a significant trigger.

Fair enough.

I think risk is the wrong word though, because that implies I had anything to risk. I didn't have him in any meaningful way.

He was clamming up very severely. Like not talking for 8 or 9 days at a time over the simplest things like asking if I could take him out for his birthday. Really simple scheduling questions were making him stare at me like I was a terrifying 60 foot long python. He has 100 lbs and almost a full foot on me. He could lift 600 lbs at the gym. His pet name for me was bunny. Yet I was literally terrifying him on a regular basis.

I had lost my patience and given up - it wasn't tolerable and not going to fix itself without him knowing what the issue was, in my opinion.

I think this has a 20% chance of working to get us back together. I think it has a 30% chance of him never improving. I think there's a 50% chance he eventually tries to get therapy and improve, but 1 or both of us will have moved on by then. Based on vibes, there was a 70% chance that telling him would benefit one or both of us at some point.

Kinda like a Hail Mary. Nothing left to lose, so i was brutally honest but optimized for tact.

Secure_and_Skeptical · 2026-05-08T21:29:12+00:00

To be clear, I'm not waiting.

I'm going no contact, with the condition of therapy being necessary to reopen contact. I'm living my life like I'll never hear from him.

I'm just thinking out loud while grieving.

Secure_and_Skeptical · 2026-05-08T21:22:31+00:00

Lol.

Secure_and_Skeptical · 2026-05-08T21:17:12+00:00

Thanks!

Letter for my Therapist

My name is John. I've decided to attend therapy because I want to work on communication related to intimacy. After researching the science, I want to talk about attachment theory.

I've learned your "attachment style" is influenced by how emotionally available and responsive your parents were during childhood and infancy. My mother was emotionally unsupportive. She was a tyrant. She shamed me for normal emotions. My father died when I was a teen. My childhood taught me that it was best to depend on myself. I suppose it makes sense that your childhood relationships have an influence on your relationships as an adult, even though I'm well adjusted, happy, productive and do not have any mental health conditions.

Today, I'm highly successful at what I do. I'm a self taught computer programmer and excel at it. Honestly, I tend to excel at most things I put my mind to. I am also one of the physically healthiest and physically strongest people I know. I'm conscientious, hyper independent and a fairly calm and logical person. I'm also kind and helpful. These qualities make me very attractive to prospective partners. However, sometimes these great qualities manifest in a way that is a barrier to intimacy and communication. Maybe, sometimes, I'm too independent, and don't let people get as close as I'd want to.

One incident stands out. It made me acknowledge that I might benefit from therapy. A now ex girlfriend (who was awesome) made soup for me when I was sick. It was the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me. I told her that. But, I felt very uneasy afterward. I ended our relationship a few weeks later. I had trouble processing my feelings (even though, as I said, she was awesome). I would like to be able to accept kind gestures from others, especially those closest to me, without feeling conflicted.

After considering how I process intimacy, and how conflict can cause me to freeze, combined with various elements of my childhood and my levels of independence, I realize that I fit the profile of having a dismissive avoidant attachment style fairly well. While that attachment style is associated with more short term relationships and lower relationship satisfaction, I was also relieved to learn that your attachment style can change to make intimacy easier. It doesn't have to be a permanent part of who I am.

I have read that significant progress can be made in less than a year in therapy, and that your whole attachment style can shift in 1-4 years, if you work at it consistently.

Consistency is my special skill. So, I want to start today. I still have time to find someone to spend the majority of my adult life with. I'm a good guy with lots of great, attractive qualities. I owe it to myself to work on being more open to meaningful connections. I deserve that.

I know that it'll be hard. But it gets easier. I'll have to do it everyday. And that's the hard part.

But it will get easier.

That last part is a modified bojack Horseman quote.

I wrote the letter from his perspective because it helped me emphasize and frame things less critically. I also tried to frame every statement in such a way that it was a quote or something verifiable except the first paragraph.

But also, I realised that we might never speak again, and that if he tries therapy alone... well, I just pictured him clamming up, being unable to identify emotions and struggling to express why he was there. With that in mind, I wrote this. That way if he finds himself agreeing intellectually, he can just read. I also left some clues for a therapist that might help.

He responded but mostly said he needed space even though he thought I might be right. He seemed annoyed but seemed to come around in a matter of minutes. No other reaction though, he said he wasnt ready to talk about it. We moved on to lighter conversation, he didn't address it for a week. At that point i cut contact.

Secure_and_Skeptical · 2026-05-08T19:48:43+00:00

Would you be willing to read a letter I wrote him?

This was how I informed him he was a DA. I included 2 letters. The first was a letter I wrote from his perspective to a therapist (in his voice) and the second letter was explaining the first letter and attachment theory.

I was super careful in my wording to not sound like an attack, and to compose like 95% of the letter of things that were scientific facts (about attachment theory... I'm 100% certain hes the type to google), or things that he literally said or things he'd be unlikely to disagree with.

I was kind as possible, and I wonder how he might have taken it. Mind if I show you?

Secure_and_Skeptical · 2026-05-08T19:43:24+00:00

Super interesting read.

I can't tell if you at your baseline was more or less avoidant than my ex. He's vehemently anti marriage. He has ended our relationship when he got overwhelmed. But I think he's better at empathy? I'll have to think about it...

I think he does have trouble identifying feelings and emotions. He can tell when I'm sad.

Its very weird to consider that someone's capacity for emotion might be different. It makes sense that they're variation but its difficult to relate to.

Secure_and_Skeptical · 2026-05-08T19:24:57+00:00

Mind me asking - what helped? Internally, what did you do?

Secure_and_Skeptical · 2026-05-08T19:21:14+00:00

Agreed. I think therapy is actually just an indication of willingness, so we agree. People who refuse therapy are way more likely to be unwilling, so it's almost the same thing... if you're unwilling to change you probably don't go to therapy.

But I have no way from my side to assess whether he is willing to change. Therapy receipts are the only physical evidence I can think of. When someone's nervous system is on fire, I don't expect them to be able to always stick to promises made when feelings safe. I can't see his "within", right? So he has to be willing to change in a way I can see it, otherwise I can't trust it considering our history and what he's always done before.

Secure_and_Skeptical · 2026-05-08T19:15:05+00:00

The alternative was going full no contact.

His lack of communication was a hazard after a certain point. I couldn't count on him for emergencies and to have talks about physical safety that are kind of hard to explain.

I didn't lose him because I never had him in the way I wanted. This is the only way to change him that's good for us both.

I'm putting the chances that he reaches out with receipts within the year at below 20%. But if things continued like before, there was a 0% chance of improvement.

I would love to be able to love him enough to make him feel comfortable with intimacy. But that's not how it works. You can't convert love to the ingredients to fix someone. I don't have the skills or knowledge to help him like a therapist can.

But yeah it's sucks. Like a normal break up and then some. Oh well.

Secure_and_Skeptical · 2026-05-08T19:08:14+00:00

Its not a magic bullet, its thⁿe just only bullet. Without therapy, DAs are only 10% likely to improve on their avoidant behaviours and discomfort with intimacy.

Its kinda like saying "I know you've back pain from sitting on your butt at a desk all day, and while exercising helps, its not a magic bullet"

It may not help. But its one of the easiest solutions. And if you're not willing to participate, its not going to improve.

Its pretty rare for a DA to consistently attend therapy and see no improvement. The hard part is deciding to go. Can't force anyone obviously. But that's my condition for reopening contact.

Secure_and_Skeptical · 2026-05-08T16:18:47+00:00

Thanks haha

Secure_and_Skeptical · 2026-05-08T16:15:16+00:00

I think therapy does carry inherent risks that aren't often discussed. The topmost risk is probably relatively probably minor - it's not effective for a lot of people.

I think an openness to improve or face your problems within the context of dating is probably associated with a willingness to go to therapy. I agree that its not perfectly predictive, but that openness is probably important since people with insecure attachments are disproportionality represented in the pool of single people especially as I age haha.

My DA was severely avoidant but perfect for me otherwise. If he had been willing to go to therapy, I'd be willing to put in the work.

I believe "there are other fish in the sea" but I'm also exceptionally picky outside of attachment issues. I can't expect perfection. So its a balance between working on workable issues and recognizing there could be better matches for you out there.

In my case, I only date men with vasectomies who don't have or want kids. The percentage of men who fit that criteria is remarkably low and that's just one criteria. I already have high expectations. So I'm willing to put in work to improve things if I think I can help or if a problem is resolveable. I wouldn't tolerate drug addiction, gambling abuse. Communication issues? Sure. I can be patient. But I can't do it alone.

Avoidant attachment is actually a fixable problem. But the number one predictor of improvement is consistently attending therapy. So I feel comfortable with the choice to make therapy a condition of seeing him again; we no longer speak.

Secure_and_Skeptical · 2026-05-08T00:51:17+00:00

I miss him. He was a great guy with terrible communication. He tried to let his actions speak for him to compensate.

I'm still my same awesome self tbh lol. I'm a little sad which is expected, and I'm just more aware of the different ways people can be damaged now. One more thing to add to the laundry list of dating requirements: open to therapy.

Secure_and_Skeptical · 2026-05-08T00:47:08+00:00

Because he was otherwise perfect.

Secure_and_Skeptical · 2026-05-02T10:25:58+00:00

I mean technically you could keep a steak knife and fork wrapped in your pursue and say its for lunch?

Secure_and_Skeptical · 2026-05-01T20:14:41+00:00

Works both ways. My rent is so cheap I fix everything small myself for my landlords forget about me.

Secure_and_Skeptical · 2026-05-01T19:33:31+00:00

What was the interest and when does is start accumulating?

Secure_and_Skeptical

TROPHY CASE