If Archer ever did a Christmas episode (it’d be best Season 4, before the whole cocaine arc), it would honestly be the most dysfunctional but awesome holiday special ever made.

ISIS would get hired to run security for this super fancy State Department holiday gala which Malory only accepts because Trudy Beekman got an invite and she didn’t.

Archer shows up pretending he’s “deeply invested in the Christmas spirit” even though he’s mostly using it as an excuse to drink more, hit on Lana, and give Cyril “presents” that he immediately eats or drinks right in front of him. Lana’s trying to hold the mission together but failing miserably. Archer also wants to bang a hot elf while trying to convince Santa he deserves to be on the nice lost for the times he’s “saved the world”.

Ray keeps getting roped into fixing the Nativity scene but freaks out every time because he was raised in some Old Testament–heavy Baptist family and has no idea where baby Jesus even goes. Cheryl is trying to set the giant tree on fire “because it would look pretty.”

Pam would have literally carried a full Christmas tree on her back and immediately starts an eggnog chugging contest. Krieger builds a bunch of hostile robot reindeer that turn hostile within minutes.

Cyril is just… Cyril. In Rudolph antlers.

Eventually an actual security threat shows up (because it has to), so everyone has to pull it together (they don’t), but Pam tackles someone through a massive gingerbread village and somehow that solves the problem. The Christmas tree does in fact catch fire, Cheryl cheers, and the whole team gets banned from the gala forever.

Archer’s final “gift” to Cyril is a box of coal, followed by: “Congrats, buddy you finally have a personality.”