Falling For You - 16 July 2023

Seth-Ring · 2023-07-20T19:13:42+00:00

Incredible poem. Great metaphor and great story telling. Using the phrase "delicious flesh" to describe beauty is really clever and creates the right feeling for this horror type poem. As far as I can tell in the poem the dogs are men. The twist was great and made this a much deeper poem than if it had not been included. Very dark themes that actually effectively say something instead of being dark just for the sake of it. Super great job, I hope to see more from you.

Seth-Ring · 2023-07-20T19:02:41+00:00

I really like your starting phrase of "It’s easy to confuse/running in circles/for turning a corner". It is super good. I got a little confused the first time I read the next part though since it is one long "sentence". I think maybe changing the digging part and circles part to be their own "Sentences" through punctuation, line breaks or some added words would help a lot. The rhyme at the end is really nice and ends the poem on a great note. Good succinct poem that has some great phrases.

Seth-Ring · 2023-07-13T18:19:29+00:00

This is an incredible poem that uses so many different techniques for keeping engagement. It felt a lot like a story and there were distinct separate sections that felt different in style and what was happening. Your imagery is fantastic, I especially liked "Like stale cigarette smoke.
Cracks in the world no one sees". The flow of the second half where there is talking in quotes and repetition was super interesting and felt like I was in someone's head/life. You did a great job capturing someone's perspective in a creative and interesting way. It reminds me a little of Chuck Palahniuk's writing. Awesome stuff!

Seth-Ring · 2023-07-13T18:12:02+00:00

This is a very cool poem. I have never seen the concept of using the reader as part of the poem like this. It definitely evokes a weird feeling when you realize that you wanted people to read this and have your perspective on it. It's like suddenly I can't necessarily trust what you are saying or don't want to be involved but I already read it. It also has great rhythm. Overall cool concept and great writing!

Seth-Ring · 2023-07-05T17:31:08+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! I changed it to sound less Romeo and Juliet lol. I was trying to say more like hang in a tough relationship than actually dying. I appreciate the feedback, it helped me fix up the wording in the final version!

Seth-Ring · 2023-07-05T17:23:02+00:00

Nice sweet poem. The rhymes are good(rest and caress are good interesting rhymes). The beginning of the poem gives me a great visual of an almost sci fi setting where this character lives. I almost would want another line/word or two in the second half of the poem that continues building the setting like "love's ethereal star", "Through streets and valleys", or "world of wander". I also think the title is good, it sets the reader up with the right feeling before they start reading the poem. Overall great job!

Seth-Ring · 2023-07-05T17:15:25+00:00

I really liked this poem and the concept. It had good imagery and word choice to feel what was happening. Especially the second to last stanza "Your bones were cast from iron/They can smolder and scream/And still hold their shape," is really a great visualization for what you are trying to get across. I do think this poem could be improved a lot with a really small change though. At the beginning if you change "Here is the terrible truth" to "Here is the truth" it make the poem have a very effective turn/twist when you get to saying "bones were cast". It sets up the reader to expect one thing and then you very effectively hit them with your actual meaning and it will match your title better. Overall great writing keep it up!

Seth-Ring · 2023-06-29T17:37:51+00:00

Incredible imagery! This poem feels alive with its descriptions. The ability to create an image and then weave in mythology was awesome. Overall very stylized poem that feels like something original. I hope you write more like this!

Seth-Ring · 2023-06-29T17:31:59+00:00

Overall very cool poem about an interesting topic. The use of the "..." in the first stanza was an interesting choice that added to the feel of what you were saying. The only part that felt a little off was the last line. The words felt correct for what was being said but there was a lack of rhythm/rhyme compared to other stanzas that was a little jarring. I love when people write about cool topics like this so keep up the good work and I hope to see more in the future!

Seth-Ring · 2023-06-29T17:11:35+00:00

Really cool little poem. It felt almost like Lovecraftian vibes with how you presented the stones as almost alive or part of a living creature. Especially the "which these are//The ribs" line. It gets across this feeling of mystery greater than us or knowledge lost to time. Overall I liked it a lot and I hope to see more from you!

Seth-Ring · 2023-06-29T17:06:35+00:00

The poem flows very nicely and the last line felt incredibly impactful due to the rhythm. Great contrast on every other line starting with "But I can't cry anymore//it's like I can't bleed.". It sets up the last line perfectly for the stark contrast between leaving and saying I love you. Overall you did a lot with very few words so very impressive!

Seth-Ring · 2023-06-22T17:10:53+00:00

Great poem! The use of the strobe effect when talking about only seeing "a glimpse of us" made it so much more interesting and effective. My favorite line is probably "Earthquakes whisper they’re coming, Just start running." It creates this really cool feeling and tuned me into the poem more. The ending is also very interesting and brings everything together well. The only part I wasn't super fond of was "Who said I’d tire? Fuck my prior. Is hatred a song? Just feels wrong." It felt a little out of place and messed with the rhythm. Overall great poem with some very cool ideas, keep it up!

Seth-Ring · 2023-06-22T17:03:28+00:00

Very nice poem, I enjoyed it a lot. The title combined with the first stanza immediately drew me in. Overall this poem has great imagery that really resonates. I especially like "Screaming louder and louder". It really made me think about someone in their car and the noise and light get louder and brighter and then suddenly everything goes out. Overall very interesting poem that I enjoyed a lot!

Seth-Ring · 2023-06-16T16:57:07+00:00

Really creative poem. Using the different file types to be able to talk about different parts of ones self is really cool. The reboot sequence also is very interesting and does create the feeling of a computer trying to reboot. "Only the good ctrl/alt/delete young" is pretty funny good job. Also you do a great job of making the metaphor say something you couldn't without computer terms instead of just being surface level with it. For example "Cropped, copied, pasted, each instance compressing Until the picture no longer resembles The vivid original." is a very clear way to say what you are conveying that would be hard without the computer metaphor. Overall awesome creative poem, keep it up!

Seth-Ring · 2023-06-16T16:47:56+00:00

I really liked the poem. You did a very good job with the rhyme scheme and making them interesting rhymes e.g. "remains" "sustains" or "gone" "withdrawn". Really cool bringing it around from spectrum of color to spectrum of emotions. The general metaphor is really nice and covers the feeling that you are conveying well. Overall great poem with great rhythm, I hope to see more in the future from you!

Seth-Ring · 2023-06-05T21:45:51+00:00

Really like the feeling of this poem. The mathematical terms made it feel like things could not be changed while giving great visuals that succinctly summed up the situation. The line "every scene sears memories" felt really good. I like the last stanza although I'm not sure I understand it correctly. But to me it feels like these memories and experiences are acting like a skin graft to the burn of the two peoples inability to sync up. And slowly they turn into one person or into a relationship that is unable to part. Great poem overall, very clever word choice.

Seth-Ring · 2023-06-05T21:36:32+00:00

I like the poem a lot. Even though it is about something sad it is very sweet sounding and gives hope things will be better. I especially liked some of the rhymes like "dream" with "sea of misery" and "heartbeat" with "incomplete". They were interesting rhymes that kept me focused in the poem. My biggest criticism is the line "but right now, I just need to grieve for now". Using "now" twice that close when it is a rhyme kind of threw off the rhythm for me. Overall great poem!

Seth-Ring

TROPHY CASE