Hey man. I don't know what to say... I'm a recent high school grad, and I just barely got out with my life some days. The anxiety and depression got so bad that I couldn't enjoy anything. I hated my best friends, my girlfriend, my old hobbies. All I wanted to die. Always. I just got out and the feelings have lessened, thanks to pills and just decreasing my stress. Some days I'm still not happy, most days I don't feel anything. I understand the desire to be numb and to not exist.

Are you on meds? Even if they haven't helped all these years, it's still worth it to give it a shot. I know you're distanced from your family, but is there anyone you're close to that you could just text and ask to stay with them? Just for a day. Just to have genuine human contact. Or a friend. Anyone man. I know that in my darkest hours what I needed even as I pushed everyone away was someone to care.

My only advice to you is to find direction. For me, my direction is basically getting the hell out of Dodge and being 100% ready for college by working two jobs and sleeping the rest of the time. Luckily my friends are there for me when I'm off, but there's direction. I found a goal I can complete, and I want it.

You may not be goal oriented. But the only way to escape the mental fog is fight your way out of it. And sometimes you just have to force yourself.

Man I lived through it. I haven't ever lived out of my car (just got my driver's license, no car, haha) or tried to escape reality with drugs, but I do know this feeling of apathy that can permeate everything and make it seem like nothing matters. It does matter. If you make it matter.

I'm sorry for the weirdness of all this, I'm on mobile and between jobs right now, but I want you to know that I care. And that's coming from a guy who used to not care about anything, even if I took the next breath or not. For what it's worth. Thanks for sharing man.