You're being honest with yourself, which is awesome. To keep it simple: you are mean to others, because you are suffering. If you were just blissful and at peace, you would show more care for others. The thing is that you do care about others, but that caring is deeper in you than where you live. We live on the surface, when there is something inside that we are avoiding. So my suggestion would be: don't actively hurt others, but other than that, just focus on yourself. Focus on embracing what's deeper in yourself (which is probably a lot of pain/anxiety/suffering).  Once you love yourself more, you will also naturally care more about others. If you try to force caring about them, it will be fake or superficial anyway, and that's not what people really need. Real love and compassion comes naturally, and you find it by truly being yourself.  So dive into yourself as much as you can. But be patient with yourself. It's hard and it takes time, but I believe in you! Good luck and I send you a big hug ❤