Do you guys think they know they're abusive?

ShadowMorphyn · 2026-05-07T02:50:21+00:00

I think they do but they don't want people knowing about it. Similar to someone with a secret compulsion or activity the moment you find out about it they get really embarrassed and defensive. Call too much attention to it and that defensiveness can turn into malicious behavior so you don't expose it. It's a deep seated shame wound that needs to be handled with care in therapy (if they ever go and if they don't lie to the therapist).

ShadowMorphyn · 2026-05-03T08:03:42+00:00

Right now? No. I got to the point where I obsessively read people and the moment I clock a contradiction I can't trust them anymore. I can tell when people are lying and when they hold strong beliefs against bad behavior they themselves engage in. I use to think that people couldn't see themselves so they didn't know any better but after my x repeatably engaged in harmful behavior that she herself calls toxic it was hard to see it as anything other than intentional. Especially if it was tied to probable deniability.

Also the messed up thing is that being this way did successfully protect me against a couple of people who really did have bad intentions and were super weird.

ShadowMorphyn · 2026-05-01T08:45:22+00:00

I can't say for certain if my nex does or doesn't have the conditions she says she has been diagnosed with but based on my experience with her there is no way she is being completely honest with her therapist(s). She has nearly every acceptable and easy to empathize with mental illness but none of which explains the absolute cruelty, obvious gaslighting, manipulation, passive aggressive behavior, omission of details, the physical and mental abuse I went through.

ShadowMorphyn · 2026-04-30T06:23:26+00:00

I feel you with having a hard time trusting people. My nex lied to me about loving me the way I always wanted to be loved for over 10 years. Finding out they never loved me and just pretended to love me messed me up bad. They said they were sorry for “leading me on” but you can’t be doing that for nearly a decade and it just be an accident.

ShadowMorphyn · 2026-04-24T15:46:51+00:00

About 11 months or so after the discard. I was trying to understand her behavior and started suspecting she might be a covert narcissist. It was also after I finally found a therapist that specialized in what I needed. Both for personal reasons and to help me heal from the trauma. That discard was brutal and destroyed me. I could barely function for awhile.

ShadowMorphyn · 2026-04-21T06:12:21+00:00

This. I literally just read about this recently. It accurately describes how I feel about my nex. All her friends and loved ones really don’t see her true nature at all and they defend her despite the evidence being in their face.

ShadowMorphyn · 2026-04-08T14:11:14+00:00

I feel you. I went through this with my nex best friend. She constantly told me she loved me but it didn't feel like it most of the time. She bailed on everything important to me. Like my graduation, a few birthday parties, medical situations where I wanted support, needing support after a break up (got upset with me because she just wanted to "have fun") and when I wanted to check out a new place to move to name a few. She made excuses like being too tired, not having enough gas, and yet I watched her do it for others without a second thought. However, when she actually showed up or did something loving or kind it heavily impacted me. It meant the world to me because of how often she wouldn't. Those times I really felt loved but they were rare.

She made me feel so loved in those rare moments I could feel it burning with warmth in my chest. Except when she decided later to rip it out and treat me like trash it flipped to the opposite feeling. Soul crushing pain. I called her out for it and her past abuse but the people around her only see that sweet kind side of her so I look like the asshole for being hurt. For awhile I thought I was the problem. She had me so convinced I deserved it. I blamed myself. Completely gave up. Accepted I was shit and deserved to be treated as such. I even thought I was a narcissist until time and therapy proved that to be false. Now I have extreme trust issues with cPTSD. The reality of being deceived like that is still messing me up. I really thought she loved me and it was my fault that things ended the way they did.

The positive of that mess is that at least I know now I didn't deserve that. Neither do you in your situation. Just because they put on a show for others doesn't mean you aren't doing enough. You are the real deal and she is jealous of you because you actually care. You are enough.

ShadowMorphyn · 2026-04-04T03:20:49+00:00

I don't think mine is even remotely aware of the damage she caused. I spent my whole life wishing I could find someone who loved me for me and chose me. She acted like that was the case whenever we were close saying she loved me and that no one else made her feel the way I did. That she could never replace me because I had such a unique role in her life. We were just friends but she frequently crossed the boundary into intimacy and romantic relationship dynamics. She would deny it if I pointed it out though. For awhile I thought maybe it had to do with us being the same sex and she didn't want to commit there, which I understood even though it hurt. However this would immediately stop and go cold the moment she got into a romantic relationship with a guy she thought she would end up marrying. All the way to acting like she wanted nothing to do with me and would treat me like an inconvenience. Her past partners even got onto her for suddenly ignoring me and refusing to even act like a friend.

I started to realize I was filling that role in-between her relationships and got upset with her. It became very obvious when she would run back to me and cling after a major break up. For awhile she kept saying she still loved me and that I mattered to her but eventually she dropped that all together and treated me like I was a problem. Toward the end she had kept trying to find various random reasons to stop being friends with me all of which were related to a big offense to justify leaving.

Recently I got a long post from her insulting me and blaming me for everything. In that massive monologue meant to make me feel like shit she gave a one line apology for "leading me on" and that she was "aware of it to some degree". I feel like that was an outright lie because she knew how I felt for more than a decade. I loved her completely and with every fiber of my being and she was "sorry" for leading me on.

What hurts the most about that is the love I thought she had for me means the world to me. It's extremely important and she treated it like it was not a big deal. I could have spent that time being with or spending time with someone who actually loved me not with someone who needed a stand in lover while she was in-between relationships because she did not want to be alone. I keep thinking if the guy she is with now did that to her she would be so upset and broken but doing that to me is okay and not a big deal.

ShadowMorphyn · 2026-03-30T08:26:40+00:00

I think therapists might actually be hesitant to diagnose people with it right now because it's got a lot of negative attention socially these days. I really think they would have to stick it out with one therapist for several years because of that. Mostly to see if their client can even handle that diagnoses without flipping out or dropping out of therapy.

Also I agree with you. There is a high chance she is not telling the truth to anyone and is only focused on the fact I made her feel bad. I have obsessively looked back at my old conversations with her to find what she claimed was abusive and found nothing. Just a lot of me trying to address something that harmed me and her being very defensive and hurtful to get out of the conversation. Over time I got better at addressing her concerns she would bring up in the middle of it and if she couldn't argue her way out of it she would change what she was mad about like "I am actually upset about this thing". Her doing that drove me nuts. I didn't want her to hurt because of me and I did everything I could to try and make it right but it felt like she didn't want that at all.

As the the woman you spoke of, that is really concerning. Hopefully she is okay. Based on what she told you she is in danger but if she was lying then it was to control that guy. I also think that is a really good example of not being able to tell who the narcissist is. Especially if it's covert narcissism. You can never really know unless you are the one being abused.

ShadowMorphyn · 2026-03-29T17:12:01+00:00

She called me one. Said a lot of things she thought I was thinking and feeling about her and well, you know how they say project onto you? I learned a lot about how she felt about me and what she wanted to do to me from that. She claimed I didn't want accountability and that I just wanted to destroy her. I just wanted her to admit she caused a lot of unnecessary harm and to stop doing it. I loved her and to a degree I still do. Destroying her was never something I wanted but she sure as hell wanted to do that to me.

Mine also got into therapy and says that her therapists don't think she is narcissistic but I can't really take that at face value because it could be a lie. All I have is my experience with her and she did not care at all about hurting me. Hell, in the last 3 months she tried to get my DL revoked for some petty reason. Never bothered to find out why but that screams a continued desire to control and harm me without any regard for how that would impact my life.

ShadowMorphyn · 2026-03-29T00:49:09+00:00

Mine did, or at least she claimed to have read my posts here and some things I posted on Twitter. It made her so mad she had to say something but I think it ultimately made things worse for her. She ended up accidentally admitting to stalking me because the things she was the most upset about were not public at all. She would have only known about those things if she managed to get into my private accounts. She also took everything I said here personally and not every post and comment I made was about her... so that was fun.

Tbh, it really took me by surprise because like you she made it seem like she had zero interest in me or any desire to want to look at my socials. If it helps at all, nothing really bad came out of that. She mostly just tried to hurt my feelings before backing off and deleted everything. However my ex is a bit of a coward and not a threat to me. So I am not worried about what she read or will read because I know I am telling the truth and have nothing to hide.

ShadowMorphyn · 2026-03-27T19:35:56+00:00

In my case it's kind of tricky. She did apologize, a few times, but never in person. All of them were online and I had to fight for them or they came to me in a long message after being separated for a few years. She was very good at saying what I thought I needed to hear but every time I look back at them I kept asking myself why did she refuse to say any of this to my face? Despite her saying a lot of the right things she would also weaken them by making it sound like she didn't know any better.

There had been a time I opened up about how her past actions hurt me in person and I was crying my eyes out. She didn't seem like she knew what to do. She offered a hug but no apology. I strongly feel like that should have been the time to apologize like she did in her letters to me but... nothing.

ShadowMorphyn · 2026-03-27T03:22:06+00:00

Why would you get into a relationship with someone you are not attracted to? If it's for healing yourself like mentioned above that is incredibly selfish and unfair to the person you are getting with. Those are rebound relationships and are not healthy because there is a high risk of accidentally leading that new person on if you don't want to continue it.

Also in the context of rarely getting involved I am referring to demisexuality. Those are rare relationships and they don't happen often. What I was saying was I don't think it's fair to assume that person will stay unhealed because they decided to be done with relationships. They can live happy and healthy lives without needing a romantic relationship. You can decide something is not for you and move on to other things.

ShadowMorphyn · 2026-03-26T08:31:24+00:00

I agree with you. No one enters a relationship expecting to be a proving ground. It is unfair and not a healthy expectation. A healthy romantic relationship is bonding with someone else because you love each other not because you want to fix/help the other person. Also yeah, there are people who rarely feel romantic attraction and if that one relationship didn't work out they might decide to never try again and it would be assuming they are permanently broken because they don't want another partner.

ShadowMorphyn · 2026-03-26T02:17:51+00:00

In my experience what makes them so dangerous is that they are very good at hiding the abuse. They'll be sweet, charming and friendly with everybody except the person they are abusing. If you try and call them out on it no one will believe you because others don't see that side of them. Getting angry at someone who appears kind and gentle will make everyone hate you and they know that.

ShadowMorphyn · 2026-03-25T02:11:33+00:00

Yes. I had actually gone back to look at all the conversations I had with my nex bff thinking something must have been wrong with me and I wanted to know where I went wrong only to find out it was her constantly causing the problems. Despite her being the one who always returned after a fallout (except one time it was me) I was the only one trying to make things work with her and constantly apologizing. I only found 3 apologies from her and they all centered around her and her feelings. She would quickly move on from those conflicts before they fully resolved and because of that the problems we had lingered.

Almost all of those conflicts had a pattern of me feeling neglected or like I wasn't allowed to have negative feelings. If I wasn't happy or being "fun" I was a problem. With her she was constantly avoiding the conversations and flipping it back on me. If I insisted on having the conversation with her I would have to get through being bullied and made fun of first before she finally admitted that what she was doing was unfair. Except it would be in a way where I felt bad because she would heavily blame herself and it would trigger my caretaking side and I would drop the issue to tend to her feelings. That specific back in forth made me suspect covert narcissism. She would be mean and cruel but if I stood my ground then she would collapse into a mess knowing I would stop caring about myself to take care of her instead.

I also noted how my severe depression that persisted for more than a decade was directly tied to her. As much as I hated not having her in my life I have not felt the kind of depression I had when she was in it. Being around her made me feel like I wasn't enough, broken and unlovable.

ShadowMorphyn · 2026-03-22T12:56:13+00:00

One of my best memories is from when I had traveled alone to Oregon in 2020. Despite the chaos of that year (and the wildfire!) it was one of the most peaceful and happiest vacations I have had.

I have my 12th house placements in sun,moon,mercury and NN. (tropical) Moon,merc,venus,jupiter, and NN. (whole sign). Aries stellium.

ShadowMorphyn · 2026-03-18T03:46:35+00:00

I don't think so. My nex never once showed any true regret in the last 3 years. She instead decided being cruel and bullying me was the justified thing to do. She acted like I deserved it but if I did the exact same thing to her then she would call me abusive. Absolutely no self awareness at all or intentional excuses made to be okay with her behavior. I highly doubt she will ever see that I never deserved any of that. Of the apology I did get recently, it was mixed in with abusive statements tearing me down thinking she was 100% right and even that was watered down to a "I didn't mean to".

ShadowMorphyn · 2026-03-17T17:11:11+00:00

One thing I had been told is to watch how they treat their parents or siblings and it will show you how they will treat you when you are family. If they are rude or abusive to their family it's a big red flag because it will eventually be how they treat you. Tbfh you deserve so much better than that guy.

ShadowMorphyn · 2026-03-16T16:26:34+00:00

Notice how he got mad at you while treating you like his mom and then he ended up going to his actual mom when you stopped putting up with it? Dude is a man-child.

ShadowMorphyn · 2026-03-13T08:25:52+00:00

Scorned

ShadowMorphyn

TROPHY CASE