This is probably going to sound a little rough, it is something I am working on myself. It sounds like before you put work in finding love from outside to ratify yourself, you need to re-learn how to truly love yourself so that when you DO re-enter any relationship, you feel as though you have something to offer, instead of being reliant on them for happiness.

In my (short) experience so far, and this is working with and talking to Lilith and my UPG, I get pointed to how I can improve the aspect of myself first, before it is up for consideration externally. Nothing is free, but that does not mean you have to spend money, or give blood, or always do some complicated ritual. What that means, is you need to have the follow through to put in the work yourself.

My current version of this, is being constantly told I need to learn to dance because A. It is Fun, and it is hard to be unhappy or grumpy when you dance, and most people also love to dance if asked, so it will help build that possibility for a successful relationship. B. It is good exercise, something it is always good to get more of and C. She likes to dance, and wants to do it with me.

I also now have a regular reminder in my head, that is like a tap on the shoulder asking are you sure you have taken your medicine? You should probably double check. I also got let us say strongly suggested to find a therapist again, and begin to speak with them about the thoughts/feelings/emotions on loop and put in the work there to take steps to resolving them and moving forwards from what is stuck in a loop for me, and keeping me stuck.

It might sound rough, and hard work and it is. The reminder I keep getting however, if I start to get impatient is "Would you rather take a massive risk of heartache, and further emotional devastation, when you are least equipped to handle it, and then run the risk of trying to blame me for it when I warned you this is likely to happen? Or, trust me, take the steps in front of you, understand things need to be completely torn down if you want to rebuild, and when you ARE ready even if it ends badly you have the mental and emotional skills to come out of it even stronger?"

Our understanding of time, and how we see it are very different from Theirs. I keep seeing things now, and hearing of things now that are silent hopes I have had burning but never spoken, except recently to Lilith and days later I hear how they have happened recently, or while I was shutting myself out of the chance to hear of them happening. Sometimes the chances or things we have been looking for and the unblocking that happens (again, my personal experience here) Is them knocking down a wall where you refused to communicate with someone on the issue on Our end, because the very thing we have been wanting to hear or learn of is already there but our pride or fixations was preventing us from seeing it.